Women Who Emotionally Abuse Men

We’ve all seen it. And heard it. You’re in a restaurant. There’s a man there with his girlfriend. As people are eating and socializing, you can’t help but notice. When the man tries to speak, he is cut off by his girlfriend. She mocks him when he tells a story that might make him look good, and finishes his jokes for him. When the waiter brings the menus, she makes fun of his selection. While she complains about spending money on him all the time, you can’t help but notice that he is paying for all of her drinks. By the end of the night she is berating him outright, and as they exit the restaurant, the woman is in a full rage spiral, yelling about something unrelated to anything that has happened in the last three hours. No one says anything.

It’s called emotional abuse. It’s well-documented when men inflict it on female victims. Less well known is when women do it to men. While the emotional abuse of women is discussed on Oprah, in bestsellers, and everywhere in pop culture and in academia, there are virtually no resources for men who have been emotionally abused. Google searches turn up very few resources. Books on the subject are mostly broadsides that have not been properly researched and substitute academic rigor for attacks on feminism.

And yet every person I know—and I’m betting everyone reading these words—knows a man who has been victimized by emotional abuse. All you have to do is ask around. I did just that recently when I was researching the epidemic of men and suicide, and what I found was disturbing. One man, a friend from childhood, told a story that seemed like a kind of slow emotional torture.

When he met his future wife ten years ago, he was captivated by her beauty, but also by her wicked sense of humor and ability to intelligently cut others, mostly pop culture figures, down to size. They were like a team, and had a child together. After a couple years, something changed. Her wit was now more often than not turned on him, first as sarcastic jibes and then as outright abuse. She complained that he didn’t make enough money, and soon he felt like nothing he did was enough. She began to withhold affection, and her mood was so unpredictable that he felt like anything he said or did would be attacked. The sarcasm that once brought him a jolt of joy now cut him apart. More than once his wife called him in an incoherent rage about something he didn’t understand. Strangest of all, she began to lie about certain things yet seemed convinced she was telling the truth. Weeks after a weekend in Las Vegas—which he had paid for—she complained that she was “tired of paying for our vacations.” After the divorce, she insisted on having their daughter on the days when he wanted to take her to play basketball, her favorite sport.

My friend had married an emotionally abusive person, and someone who may have even had a serious personality disorder. The effect on him was devastating. He was depressed and felt confused, and even mentioned suicide. He felt anxious whenever she was around. He’s still dealing with it years after the divorce.

One of the few people who understood him was Dr. Tara J. Palmatier, the author of a forthcoming ebook Say Goodbye to Crazy: How to Rid Yourself of that Crazy Ex and Restore Sanity to Your Life. Dr. Palmatier runs a website, Shrink4Men.com. She’s one of the few people in the mental health field talking about the emotional abuse of men. In one post on her blog, Palmatier  itemized the ten behaviors characteristic of emotionally abusive women:

  • Bullying
  • Unreasonable expectations
  • Verbal attacks
  • Gaslighting (lying and then claiming he is crazy)
  • Unpredictable responses
  • Constant chaos
  • Emotional blackmail
  • Rejection
  • Withholding affection and sex
  • Isolating

The result?

You’re constantly on edge, walking on eggshells, and waiting for the other shoe to drop. This is a trauma response. You’re being traumatized by her behavior. Because you can’t predict her responses, you become hyper vigilant to any change in her mood or potential outburst, which leaves you in a perpetual state of anxiety and possibly fear. It’s a healthy sign to be afraid of this behavior. It’s scary. Don’t feel ashamed to admit it.

One of the difficulties with addressing the emotional abuse of men is that things today are so politically polarized it’s hard to have a calm discussion about it. Feminists have worked so hard over the last fifty years to turn men from ogres into enlightened companions that they feel any concession that women are also capable of abuse is a betrayal of the cause. There is a massive infrastructure in academia, politics, and pop culture that serves to support women who are abused by men. This is a good thing, as violence against women remains prevalent and a problem. Yet abuse experts have argued that emotional abuse can be worse than physical abuse. A punch to the face leaves obvious proof, evidence to use with the police to put the assailant behind bars. Emotional abuse, which men can tolerate and excuse away as normal, can go on for years, leaving a person weak, desperate, and profoundly suicidal. They have lost themselves.

On the other side of the political spectrum, conservatives tend to scream that feminism is to blame when the discussion of abusive women comes up. Every woman who gets off a funny line about men instantly becomes Medusa. This trivializes genuine emotional abuse, and often masks simple misogyny. (This, sadly, seems the case with Paul Elam, Dr. Palmatier’s co-author on Say Goodbye to Crazy. Palmatier is a brilliant analyst, but in video conversations with her, Elam comes across as angry and crude.)

Just as anecdotal evidence indicates that the emotional abuse of men is more widespread than the media reports, it also reveals that emotional abuse doesn’t have much to do with politics. The abused tend to become abusers, a terrible reality that has more to do with the soul and psyche than who’s running congress. Liberal and conservative women are caring and supportive partners. They can also—just like men—be pathological narcissists who torture their husbands and boyfriends.

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418 responses to “Women Who Emotionally Abuse Men

  1. I once lived with a roommate who was a narcissist. She treated me poorly, she treated her boyfriend poorly, she accused me of everything under the sun, including abusing her animals, who were the only things keeping me sane throughout the entire ordeal (I understand animals more than people. It’s sad). When I saw that they’d gotten married, I said a quick prayer that their marriage not be as miserable as their dating life. They were one of the worst couples I’d ever seen, and honestly, I have no faith in their marriage. it’s a ticking time bomb.

    1. No worry. Your life will be better if you are smarter.
      keep yourself in check and do the same with the others.

      1. And yet every person I know—and I’m betting everyone reading these words—knows a man who has been victimized by emotional abuse. All you have to do is ask around. I did just that recently when I was researching the epidemic of men and suicide, and what I found was disturbing. One man, a friend from childhood, told a story that seemed like a kind of slow emotional torture.

    2. Wait. Are you telling me there are women out there who aren’t narcissistic? I’m skeptical

  2. This is why I came to the conclusion that the only way I could maintain any respect for myself, and live with my moral conscience, is to not take women seriously, nor form any kind of serious pair bond.

  3. I find it telling that the picture above is an example of a man being passive aggressive. Unless the woman has a diagnosable personality disorder, men, you have much more control over this reaction from your female partner than you think. For example, much of what has been considered “normal” communication for men is actually passive aggression/avoidance. Yes, the two (PA and aggression/”nagging”) can feed off of each other, but I’m telling you, usually you have the power to stop the cycle. A great, non-condemning article about PA can be found here: http://www.lifehack.org/articles/communication/12-ways-passive-aggressiveness-slowly-killing-relationships.html?dgs=1&fb_ref=Default
    Women want your strength and cooperation. Just like you want theirs.

    1. Sure- its all the man’s fault- do you actually hear yourself? I dated a woman who would argue madly about any little thing- I thought I was starting a lot of it- so for a while I watched everything I said- didn’t work. She would just start stuff.

      Some women just like the drama- and feel they can get away with it if they are hot- or if you are married.

    2. How exactly do men control what women do? IS there a time when women become adults and accountable for what they do?

      1. I have this theory that most people never grow up. I have been consciously aware of my desire for self-actualization since about age 10 and have been working on it. I don’t think I “grew up” until I was about 30!

    3. Uh, no. Men do not control women’s responses. Women control women’s responses.

      Owning your crap is a mark of strength and cooperation.

    4. LOL. I recall rolling my eyes when my X would yell/lecture me. It was one of the few things that would make her stop. It was much more effective than engaging with her when she was mad/angry and letting me know it. What was really effective in getting her to stop was to keep my eyes up, open my mouth and move my head around. This stopped the attack and she would usually leave the room instead of escalating. In today’s world the last thing a man wants is to have an encounter with a female escalate.

      During the divorce on the witness stand she went on and on about me rolling my eyes. Those devil men rolling their eyes in an effort to abuse their wives/girl friends. Those male abusers just do not know how to listen, show respect and take it like a real man.

  4. I agree with Beks. I, too, had a roommate the same. When the lease was up, I was out of there. And I had a (former) friend who was a bully and a narcissist who believed hers was the only true path through life and was relentless until you went along. Dissension was not an option. The “friendship” did not last long. She was not passive in any way, and only aggressive and nagging. It is abusive and controlling, and as unacceptable from a woman as from a man. Unfortunately, there is too little social support for men calling women out on this bullying behavior, and too much stigma placed on men who do.

    1. I don’t call them out…..I ignore them………withdraw my money from them……have absolutely as little as possible to do with them……..and when I do have to deal with them, I am not pleasant, just polite. .

  5. One of the problems with these behaviors is that they fall generally in line with what is viewed as typical behavior. It is easy to dismiss claims of emotional abuse as just being married, etc. The behavior is also often reigned in when other people are around. Friends and family easily believe you are just whining about nothing. It can be a really tough situation.

    1. It is because most people are actually emotionally dysfunctional and a lot of people would have to admit they themselves are being abused. It all goes back to denial. This is what “making a marriage work” in American culture means.
      Denial is why my succubus of a wife destroys me emotionally and why she cannot change. Denial is why people keep believing in God and stay in dysfunctional marriages. Denial is why we keep believing that America is a free country and that we really did have a reason to go to war in Iraq. Denial is why we only have 2 political parties.
      American denial has marginalized me and rendered my life unfulfilling. I have a lot of potential I can’t use because everyone has their heads up their asses, making this country and it’s people a pale shadow of what they could be.
      Denial is why money is the only important thing in our culture and why it comes at the expense of everything else! You can buy a lot of denial when you are rich!

  6. “Feminists have worked so hard over the last fifty years to turn men from ogres into enlightened companions” Really? Are you joking, or have you at some point in your life been hoodwinked by feminist propaganda and indoctrination? The truth is that feminists have worked hard over the last fifty years to turn men from enlightened companions into ogres. Feminism, whilst claiming to be all about equality, is actually consumed by hatred of men.

    “This trivializes genuine emotional abuse, and often masks simple misogyny. (This, sadly, seems the case with Paul Elam, Dr. Palmatier’s co-author on Say Goodbye to Crazy.” You do Mr Elam a grave disservice here, as you will understand if you take the trouble to have a thorough read through the website ‘A Voice for Men’. He is absolutely not a misogynist, unless you confuse and conflate anti-feminism with being anti-women.

    As for him being ‘angry and crude’, he has every right to be angry in the face of the evil ideology that is feminism. The politely expressed arguments of Mr Elam and others, pointing out the damage inflicted by feminism on society and on relations between the sexes, in education, politics, media and the law, were completely ignored for years by society, until those arguments were expressed in more forthright, outspoken, crude and angry terms.

    1. When Paul Elam said he was outraged that a woman should get alimony “simply for spreading her legs,” that was it for me. Sorry.

      1. Perhaps you simply didn’t get the point he was making? Do you have a link to the article containing that quote, so people can see the context and judge for themselves?

        Otherwise, it may be thought that your comment reveals more about yourself than about the bulk of Elam’s cogently reasoned articles and arguments.

      2. Didn’t take much to convince you feminism is right and everything else, including facts, are wrong. Why can feminists be crude and lewd, but Elam’s comment threw you into a tizzy. Grow up. Reply with a cogent argument or admit you don’t have one. You know, some states have lifetime alimony – any comment?

      3. Then why are pay outs to women are always linked to spreading their legs? If a woman never spread her legs to a man – is there ever a payout for alimony or child support?

      4. I don’t recall Paul ever saying that he thought that sexual mutilation was “quite fabulous.”

        1. I think that’s a reference to Sharon Osbourne’s reaction (to a cheering female audience) to a woman cutting off her husband’s penis. I don’t think mark will get it.

      5. What does that have to do with men being ogres? Or does Paul Elam now stand for all men in your mind?

    2. “Feminists have worked so hard over the last fifty years to turn men
      from ogres into enlightened companions” Really? Are you joking, or have
      you at some point in your life been hoodwinked by feminist propaganda
      and indoctrination?”

      I thought this was a misprint. With Mark responding – apparently not. This goes along with those that think women civilize men. Perhaps he is projecting.

    3. I am so enlightened at this point that I am seriously thinking about swearing off women altogether.

      1. By a certain age, it’s the healthy thing to do. The odds of finding a self-secure, genuinely kind woman +40 is that proverbial needle in the haystack.

    4. Well, misandry is just as bad as misogyny, but institutional misandry has only existed for about 100 years, whereas institutional misogyny has existed for millennia. Both are evil when in purest form, but often the offenders don’t really understand their own behavior – it’s not like they decide to be misandrist/misogynist, which is why there is genuine bewilderment when they are called out. And both misogyny and misandry happens “intra-gender” as well. For example, when it’s man v man in job search, a man who is “connected” via some sort of fraternal order (fraternity, nepotism, “friend of family”) gets precedence over a man who might be more qualified, intelligent, or capable. Equality is not in play. Or, a man of average looks who “gets” a woman who is “desirable,” (I have to keep using quotes because I feel like these words are moving targets) automatically it is assumed that she is a scheming gold-digger, rather than assuming he has some qualities she desires that don’t have anything to do with money or looks. That seems like a dig against men. Of course this happens with misogyny among women as well. In feminism, women have to fight other women all the time. I feel like men do much better at the whole “old boys club,” where women don’t really have anything like that.

      I like this article by David Wong of Cracked, because it shows some aspects – it’s certainly not all inclusive – of how some men have been indoctrinated to think about women. One of the things I find interesting is that men are often accused of hating women, and they say “I’m not gay, I love women!” when they’re actions can be extremely misogynist. There is a difference between desiring women sexually and liking women socially. One can desire someone physically but be repulsed in other ways. Personally, sexual desire and liking someone go hand in hand, but many people can separate the two quite easily.


  7. This was a very good article until 3/4 way through it turned political. It was refreshing to read a article on domestic violence free of most gender bias, only to be informed it has to do with politics.
    I knew a woman who was cruel to her son, (my best friend in grade school). Now I know the cause for his whippings; elephants and donkeys.

    1. The author was apologizing to feminists for making a valid, negative point!
      Men tend to be shallow and superficial about chosing a mate. I am not going to apologize to men for saying that just because I am one who isn’t like that.
      When you are more worried about offending someone than saying the truth, you are a yellow journalist at that point.

  8. “psychologically breaking” men, will keep them psychologically castrated, while their labors can still be harvested.

    1. You make it sound like there is a global female conspiracy. The fact is most of the ones who are like this just have their heads up their asses, mentally and emotionally.

      1. There is a global female conspiracy. It’s not, primarily, the one’s who are “like this …(with) their heads up their asses”. As you and others note, they are simply abusers, who come in almost all ideological varieties. The conspiracy is feminists who deny that this is happening. To be clear, it’s not really a tightly coupled conspiracy, more the workings of a dreadfully misandrist worldview held fairly widely among Western elites.

      2. It wouldn’t be hard to believe, to me, that some orchestrate and come into collusion with eachother. Like-minded people, toxic or otherwise will band together for a like-minded cause.

        People could think the same with the controversy surrounding ‘Gamer Gate’, wherein the reality was something no one thought would’ve happened, that the Gaming Review/Journalists had a Top Brass of Hidden Elites who blatantly cooperated with eachother in secret to monopolize the industry, and Gamer Gate as a group came together to expose them.

        If ‘Corrupted, Elite/Top Brass figureheads meeting together to monopolize an industry’ can exist in Gaming, it can exist in Feminist agendas, because SJW’s and Feminism is a Business now. (Just look at Anita Sarkeesian, MILLIONS OF DOLLARS given to her for playing herself as a Victim) So much money gone to waste, given to her out of pity or because she requested donations while appealing to the emotions of people who sympathize with her deception. Wherein the money was meant to go for her videos that she’d create, she essentially has under-delivered and used up all her money without owing up to the promises of those she begged money from. Though, that’s where Youtubes’ thunderf00t is good at explaining and showing the evidence.

    2. Best statement I have read regarding the true and dark depths of our new captors. Do any others find themselves fleeing in a war of constant attrition?

  9. Feminism is abuse of men please don’t make excuses for it. This could be a good article but the author tip toes around feminism as if it were an abusive partner. To paint feminists as innocent bystanders who haven’t caused any problems is disingenuous to say the least. It is feminist who brought this into the political arena and they admit it by saying “the personal is political”, it is not the product of backlash. The author forgets to mention that there is no shortage of well heeled feminists groups the world over who are determined to keep male victims out of the discussion on domestic violence. The complete whitewash of feminist rhetoric, that often calls for gendercide castration and the celebration of harm to men, as a funny line is outrageous. The final two sentences are fruedian as they contain the only general description of the genders (other than men being ogres of the past) and fail to mention anything good about men. Even so the author should be commended for his courage in writing an article that takes even a shallow a look at the problem. He certainly risks becoming anathema to his peers.

    1. I fully agree. Feminism is simply the opposite of misogynism and ultimately hinders true gender equality.

      1. I keep asking people who are ‘casual feminists’ and not feminazi’s, what the point in being a feminist is if their goal is Equality for both genders? Why not create a new group that has the ideology of equality for all that is more contemporary? Feminism is broken and untrusted by men AND women.

        None have given me a proper response as to why it needs to exist beyond what we can ascertain ourselves. Feminism to this day and age, is a group that consists of women, and some men, who feel weak, lacking of purpose, ‘oppressed’ by a threat, whether invisible or real – and want to FEEL empowered by having a morally-engineered group that orchestrates the ‘objective’ of equality, but it is fuelled by the minds of those who live and breathe as a Fear Mongerer.

        People always say “I need Feminism BECAUSE-” – Do you know what they tells me? It tells me a Group, a Name, A label? Is a Status to them. How joining a group can MAGICALLY empower them to think that being IN IT. Makes them BETTER, makes them a better person. Makes them better than you. Makes them step into an ivory tower to justify cherry-picked ethics that were created from an individuals opinions, beliefs and ideologies, which lo and behold – aren’t always held accountable or are measured as Equal, or Logical, Reasonable. To assume that a group that is meant for good will only contain good minds is laughable, every human-made group will always attract the extremists who will change it from within like a cancer. Then the casual feminists who believe in the older definition will just call out the ‘Other Feminists’ as ‘Not True Feminists’ but the harsh reality is, they are all Feminists, the group simply changed without their consent, whether they’re innately good natured people or not. A group, a sub-culture, a title, a label that isn’t educationally-given is not, nor should ever be EMPOWERING. To be empowered, should only come from Achievements, Jobs, Educational merits.

        1. How about using the term “enlightened” for those people who really just want everyone to be equal?

          1. Sounds like ‘they’ would use it against you since it sounds pompous or pretentious.

          2. It sounds suspiciously like “supremacist,” which would be used by “others” against the “enlightened.” However, enlightenment is not really an achievable state. I think in Buddhism, an adherent never reaches enlightenment, at least not before death, it’s a constant struggle to reach because the finish line is always moving. Saying you are “enlightened” means you THINK you have arrived at that place, which would be smug superiority.

            How about men who say they are “evolved” when they are pursuing women? I’ve had a number of men – not saying all, but the ones who are trying to impress me – tell me they are “evolved,” meaning better than other men, I think? Meaning they are more worthy than other men? Are they trying to say they are more “in tune” with a woman’s needs than other men? Seems like some of the discord comes from within the male gender. As it does within the female gender in many ways.

          3. “Evolved” from a man does not mean “better than other men.” It means better than their prior self. Why make it an external statement? Guys, including myself, don’t look at ourselves that way – how do I stack up to other guys. It’s how am I better today than I was yesterday, last week, year, decade…

          4. Unfortunately, you are in a minority. I’ve heard it used by men who claim to be better than other men, mainly to jockey for a woman’s affection. It’s a turnoff.

          5. No I’m not in the minority with that understanding of evolved. Sounds like you’ve had some isolated experiences and extrapolate those out to the whole to be more than it is. Some women claim to “know” or understand men when they likely know very little. IMO

          6. Why let a small group of women own the word? Feminism was, in the beginning, a demand that women be treated, first, equally under the law (e.g., the right to vote and control our own property) and secondly, with equal dignity by society.

            Women who insist on having more rights than men should be called what they are – female supremacists. They are bigoted and hateful toward men and do not deserve the once-esteemed title feminist.

        2. I am a feminist by action, not because I’ve joined a cause or because I want to join a group. It’s absolutely true that abuse and inequality exists based on gender, socio/economics, race/ethnicity, age/ability/disability, countless areas of intersectionality and privilege (not all privilege is white privilege, and privilege is not what most people think it is, that’s another conversation). My goal is to treat people as equally as I can, to assist those who need assistance and to stand up for those who are being trod upon, regardless of gender. The reason there is still need for the term feminism is because the vast majority of women are still not considered equal. Are some women considered equal to men, in terms of pay equality and perceived ability? Absolutely. But in many places, in the Western World (US/Canada/Europe), women by and large are given short shrift. Does misandry exist? Of course it does. Do some men get the short shrift? Absolutely; all things being equal, if a man is more qualified for a job, he might not get it because society is still attempting to make up for times when overqualified women were not given jobs for being women.

          1. So your choice is (1) goofy academic-ese or else (2) “small” words? That is one giant paragraph that says absolutely nothing of substance. Your use of liberal arts academic buzzwords indicates you likely have zero actual “real world” success but instead posture and pose as if you do. And you throw “equal” around as if it has some concrete meaning understood to be “the same” by all, but it does not. No two men or women are the same and yet know-it-all academy pinheads propose we’re all the exact same so…EQUAL EVERYONE!! Yay!! But by all means waste everyone’s time with your drivel. No offense intended of course – just a critical take on your language use.

          2. LOL, I don’t log into Disqus often and I come back to this. First, I didn’t realize you are the arbiter of anybody’s success or failure. except your own – isn’t that what you said personal evolution is about? I thought it was up to me to decide, based on my own goals, how silly. Second, I want to thank you for proving my point, that at least for you, evolution seems to be a competition against others. From the few things I’ve said in this forum, you’ve spent some thought in building a profile of me. I can’t really tell, but it feels like your goal is that you want to feel big/smart and simultaneously try to make me feel small/stupid. Mission not accomplished, bwah, bwah, bwah. How deliciously devolved of you! This is the last I’ll reply on this subject, so in parting I’ll say “Good day to you, sir,” and since I expect you will bluster at another attempt to belittle me, “I said good day!”

      2. Gender equality us a fallacy. It can never happen. Equality was never the goal of feminism to begin with.

    2. Feminism is simply an outgrowth of Gynocentrism. Don’t misunderstand. It’s always been around in one form or another.

  10. I read this article and remembered so many scenes from my marriage. It only lasted two years and a lot of it is my fault, but most of these things happened to me.

    The worst thing was the arguing. I would express a grievance and she would immediately ask me to name a specific time when the thing happened. When I groped to remember, she immediately dismissed that it ever happened. Or I would express a wish, like maybe we could eat out less and cook more, or just fend for ourselves regarding dinner. She flatly explained she wanted a full meal and didn’t like to wait for it once she got home. That was it.

    She would make fun of things I valued and when I objected she would just say, “I didn’t mean to hurt you.” Guess what? That excuse never worked for me.

    Thank you, Mark, for the article, even though it brought back bad memories. That’s never going to happen to me again.

    1. How is a lot of it your fault? The double standard drives me nuts! I had an abusive ex. At the time, I thought some of it was my fault.. I could have worked more hours, I could have cleaned the bathroom earlier in the day, blah, blah, blah… The vitriol, and blatant aggression were never my fault… EVER. And I am willing to bet that the abuse wasn’t EVER your fault either. Did we do something that they didn’t like… Probably. But in any relationship there are going to be times when you aren’t happy with the other person. That doesn’t give you the right to be abusive.. You can be angry.. You can tell the person you are angry.. You can yell at the other person while you are telling them you are angry. You can scream “GOD DAMN IT, COULD YOU PLEASE JUST HELP ME GET THE HOUSE CLEAN, FFS!!” all of that is not abusive, it is expressing your anger or irritation at the actions (or inaction) of another. What is not ok, Is when you say things like “Are you so fu$%ing stupid that you can’t clean a bathroom?”

      All of these comments are missing one of the prime reasons that men are more often emotionally abused than women… It’s because everyone gives women a free pass to do it! The media, and doctors, and therapist, and talk show hosts, and tv shows, and radio, and movies, and everything else I can think of has been telling women that “it’s not your fault” for years…. Well, guess what… Sometimes it is.. Lets talk about guys specifically for a second.. Lets say that there is a guy that I can’t stand that always seems to be at the driving range when I am. Every time he sees me he has a rude, condescending, insulting, or just plain abusive comment to make… Now, I’m not one to shy away from confrontation, but I also have no desire to go to jail so I let this go… and the other guy decides that since I’m not fighting back that I must be a pansy, so he has carte blanche to increase the severity, and frequency of the comments. Eventually,I’ve had enough and knock him on his backside. ANYONE who has been around the situation will respond with comments like “he had it coming” or “I’da done that a long time ago”. Contrary to popular belief. This is a normal response to provocation. Eventually, if you push long enough, often enough,and hard enough, the other person will push back, usually with far more amplitude than you imagined possible. Of course, police are called, lawyers, etc, etc… and when the case gets to court there is a plethora of witnesses giving testimony to the fact that the guy who got blasted was the aggressor for months prior to this particular event. The final result? The guy who responded was found not guilty, and received a restraining order against the other party (this is a true story, wasn’t me, but a true story none the less)

      Why is it any different for a man and a woman. I know of one case in particular that the woman emotionally abused her husband for YEARS, and finally, on one particular weekend day, he had enough, and clocked her.. People rushed in to tell her that it wasn’t her fault, and how dare he, and she needs to pack up and leave… and most of them knew that she had been the aggressor for a very long time prior to that. Truth is… It was her fault. It was completely her fault, and she definitely SHOULD leave… and leave everything behind because SHE was the problem. it won’t happen that way, because women are given a free pass, and I’ve had about enough.

      1. This. And don’t underestimate the possibility that the justification of the abuse (because of this or that mental condition) can also mask the fact that you’re not dealing with some disorder in your house, your relationship and your life and that in actual fact you are dealing with a very carefully orchestrated campaign of abuse that is very hard to prove. Plausible denialbility and all that. It’s diabolical and I’d wager that men, far more than women, are at the receiving end of it. Duluth fascism, of course, does not cover this and other forms of female-on-male abuse.

  11. I just walked away from my abusive relationship. She has nearly left me homeless and penniless. Please review my gofund me page and help if you can so I can see my son again and make sure he is safe. His mother needs professional help. I had to leave before things got worst. http://www.gofundme.com/xar6p7ys

  12. I have been in an on again, off again relationship with a woman for 15 years. We recently got married for the second time.
    It’s not like she is abusive on purpose – she was just raised in a very unhealthy environment with a mother who cohabitated with her father who had been sexually abusing her from a young age. My wife’s parents divorced when she was three. Her parents were horribly irresponsible and she was lucky to make it out of childhood alive.
    She is and apparently always has been pathological liar and narcissist.
    My feelings simply don’t matter. Everytime I try to express that se has done something to hurt me, it always ends in an argument because she negates my feelings, while playing hers up.
    Fortunately she is not intentionally malicious but maybe if she was I would have gotten out a long time ago. Fortunately we have no children. She is wholly unsuitable as a mother and I am completely disinterested in her sexually at this point because of that.
    She is starting to acknowledge that she has a mental health issue but nothing is actually changing.
    Bottom line is that her mother, an abused agorophobe, managed to teach my wife never to take responsibility for her actions and now my wife is 41 years old and she has denied almost every bad feeling and guilt in her life and instead buried her head in the sand. She cannot learn from her mistakes because she does not accept them. It is analogous to the grief process. My wife has still not come to terms with ther mother’s death after 8 years because she is as dysfunctional about dealing with grief as she is dealing with guilt.
    This presents an enormous challenge to her recovery. Her mom caused most of these issues and my wife doesn’t want to think badly about her dead mother.
    I have given up at this point. I am just biding my time until I can get out of the situation.
    Even if my wife were to start to change at this point, after 15 years of her denying me as a human being, I can never trust her or love her again.

    1. Stop rationalizing her abuse, you are only empowering it. Make her responsible for her actions; and, of course you for yours,

    2. That essentially is ‘Appealing to Emotions’, if the person lived in an unhealthy environment, they will be prone to repeating the cycle, so what she needs is hard cognitive therapy. Not someone to push her cycle onwards, like yourself. It is as sunzeneise said, rationalizing and sympathizing with the ‘reasons’ does not mean it’s okay to obviously put up with the abuse. You can sympathize that her current self isn’t her fault, but her upbringing – but that’s where you draw the line.

      Intentionally malicious or unconsciously malicious doesn’t matter, because both result are malicious behaviour and that someone is going to be a victim of it.

      The safest thing you can do is tear away from her even if it hurts and not to rebound, especially if she cannot do cognitive therapy.

      1. He looks like he wasn’t far off that step in the learning curve. Lets hope he wasn’t far off it.

    3. I hope you will follow thru, I think just analyzing it the way you’ve done is a good step. You seem very empathetic, which is good in general, but also holds you back from doing what might be best for yourself. Good luck and best wishes!

      1. Wow, a lot has changed since then. We separated for a long time and within the past 2-3months have begun to reconcile after a period of about 4 months just being friends. We both have been in therapy. I also went through two hip replacement surgeries in November and March through which she was supportive and helpful.
        My wife has gotten a lot better at accepting responsibility for her actions and therefore can begin to see how things affect me. I have gotten better at focusing on my own needs and have worked on better communication skills, especially when dealing with issues in the relationship.
        At this point we are not living together but we spend at least a couple days together each week and are planning to have a kid together. We are approaching it like a coparenting thing, not necessarily a traditional family thing because we are still not sure about the relationship in the long run but we are likely at this point to at least always have an amicable relationship of some kind.
        I wish we had more time to be sure about the relationship before having kids but we don’t. I have never really been so comfortable with anyone anyway.

        1. Please, please, please reconsider planning to have a child together. Children need healthy parents and she is not one. It sounds like she needs to continue focusing on the recovery. It seems scary for you to say that you should be sure about your relationship but because the clock is ticking, what the heck. I would never plan to have a baby with someone when I am not even in a healthy enough relationship to live with them! Can you trust her if the baby has a huge crying spell or what she’ll say or do to a toddler with a defiant streak? If it happens, work as hard as you can to bless your child with a healthy life but it looks like you’re looking more out for both of your needs and wants instead of the child’s.

    4. Stop excusing her behavior. She’s an adult, not a child. She’s presumably not insane, so she can recognize the difference between right and wrong. Might she have issues? Sure. Bad childhood? Sure. But people manage to grow up and be decent people with unimaginably horrible childhoods. That doesn’t mean they don’t struggle and everything is hunky dory, but they manage to not damage other people in the process.

      Get out and stop letting her ruin your life.

  13. “This trivializes genuine emotional abuse, and often masks simple misogyny.” Sure, we can have a discussion about emotional abuse of men by women, but we can’t use that other M word: misandry. Until women own up to their rampant misandry, and repudiate the bitter feminist studies croons that screech 3rd wave feminism, no conversation is possible.

    1. We’ll know we’re making progress when we can just discuss the issue without feeling the need to get in some cheap shots on men and especially those meany conservatives to prove how fair minded we really are.

    2. Misandry happens all the time, agreed, and apologists will say “yes, but…” It needs to stop, and I think that it is as mothers teach their sons and daughters when they are small to respect everyone, and to fight against inequality where they see it. I won’t engage with misandrist behavior and will call it out. But I’m curious about this idea SOME men (to be clear, I can’t know that all men have this idea) have about calling themselves “evolved.” They never say “evolving,” they always say “evolved,” as if they have reached the pinnacle and nothing new to be learned. I have found those men to be rather more misogynist, but it seems like a slap to other men, a sort of “supremacist” view of the stratification of the male gender. What say you, men?

  14. The woman claims that the man is emotionally abusing her which becomes self fulfilling when he gets tired of that crap.

  15. WTH are you talking about in the article? I’ve never seen any such thing and I’ve been around for a long time. What did you do, just make up this scenario for effect?

      1. Perhaps some kind of feminist agenda. The same type of person who probably believes that men can’t be raped and that white men can’t be oppressed or that you can’t be sexist to a white male. Lol

    1. I’ve been emotionally abused, by my ex. I’ve seen other men abused, some physically, by both male and female significant others. Why we keep describing “domestic violence” in terms of male-batterer, woman-victim, is beyond me. Unless we’re talking about those who have their own issues.

      1. Fortunately, the conversation is changing and more and more abused men are speaking up and out.

    2. I grew up in a violent home, as a grown up (stupidly) ended up with a crazy psycho who liked confrontation, yelling, belittling like it’s nobody’s business, anyone can hurt anyone…also as a result of growing up in a violent home, I grew up thinking that I would never be like that, such mindset wasn’t necessarily the nicest when you live with a violent person, it leaves you somewhat helpless, so to say (it took me a while to figure it out). And yes words can mark anyone, regardless of who utters them, abusive people come in all sizes, shapes and colors…

  16. This is a serious and poorly understood issue. Women, by virtue of the inherent power of motherhood, can have enormous power. A general lack of self-knowledge and psychological illiteracy feeds the problem. Affected men should consider fighting back (verbally), and let the chips fall where they may.

    1. The chips fall means cops eventually arrive at your house and guess which of the two ends up in cuffs or ordered leave on the spot via a “protection order”. The police do not help men in these situations.

      1. Protection orders are not issued by police, they are issued by the court and the police enforces them. Generally calling the police is a way to show a pattern – a police report then enables the abused to request a protection order. We should make sure men feel safe enough and confident enough to be the ones to call the police. The abused should be believed, yes.

  17. Uh…. quite often this is driven by women’s depression. You do know that women are more susceptible to it in mid-life? The whole walking on egg-shells, memory not matching reality, everything cast is a negative light, blaming the other person, very typical of functional depressives–

    Highly recommend Anne Sheffield’s “Depression Fallout. How You Can Survive When They’re Depressed.”

    and her website depressionfallout.org

    You may be able to get them help, maybe they won’t– but you’ll have more understanding if you decide to leave.

    1. So if a man says, “Hey, I because of (whatever) would it make it any better? IF the abuse doesn’t stop, you must stop it, no matter why they’re crazy.

      1. Absolutely agree. But if part of what is driving it is depression (and there was a behavior change– i.e. the guy wasn’t stupid enough to just put up with this from the start), then a way to stop the abuse is for her to get treatment. Usually drugs combined with therapy is the most effective treatment.

        If they won’t get treatment– well, the guy has a decision to make. Put up with it, or walk away. I advocate walking away. Which is harder to do after a couple of decades and kids, but healthier for you and the kids to make contact with mom occasional and where the kids feel secure than daily.

          1. Yes it does. If you’re being abused by a spouse or significant other, then staying in that relationship makes you stupid, whether you’re a man or a woman. There’s nothing you can say to justify staying in such a relationship. Nothing!

          2. That’s over-simplifying the dependency and attachment that both genders can grow to hold dear to them in a relationship. It’d be idiotic to think that a person could be in a relationship for 2-5 years or more and not have an attachment to that and a fear of change by losing them, you shared a huge chunk of your life with a person, tearing them away from your life is the rational decision, but when you care deeply for someone, rational thinking isn’t always the priority. ‘Love’ is an annoying thing like that where hormones and chemicals have higher power over you than your ability to reason what is truly best for you.

          3. Its very hard to be completely rational and objective when you have a long time invested in what up to then, has been a healthy relationship. People do suffer mental illness in life, if you’re married and depending on how you view your vows to ‘…love, honor, and obey in sickness and in health…’ it can be tough to decide where being supportive ends, how much do you put up with trying to help them get treatment they need.

          4. Course, morality and ethics are very flexible and differs per person.

            It can be hard to cut things away, but sometimes it has to be done.

          5. Yes, in some ways it’s like drugs, a chemical dependency. It also might have to do with how you were raised. If a woman saw her mother being abused, is she more likely to be a doormat? If a man saw his father being abused, is he more likely to accept abuse as “normal?” And some chemical dependencies are genetic, in the way that some people are more susceptible to addiction. We have to recognize historical patterns. Conversations like these help us recognize those in ourselves.

          6. Ok, put whatever label on it you want- I won’t argue semantics. I don’t think staying in an abusive relationship is healthy/smart/a good life choice. Had a friend I worked with in high school at a restaurant, he had to leave one day in a rush to go home and beat up and throw out of the house his mom’s 3rd abusive husband (6th abusive overall live-in). Couldn’t help but wonder how she kept finding those kind of guys and how they kept finding her.

            If you’re in an abusive relationship- why?

    2. These women are not depressed, they are on a campaign of control and feed their narcissism by exerting in their spouses via emotional blackmail its constant and unrelenting. You are excusing their behavior because, quite simply, they are female abusers, and wouldn’t spout such nonsense if the abusers were men.

      1. I’m not excusing the behavior, and I’m not saying all abusers are depressed. Even so, just because they’re depressed doesn’t give them the right to abuse others. It means they need to get treatment, and if they don’t a man shouldn’t hang around tolerating the abuse. It’s something to consider prior to walking out the door, a hard thing to do if you have a couple of decades experience with someone and they’re hit with this in mid-life and you have a couple of kids with them.
        Do you walk out immediately, or try to salvage it?

        1. So my question to you is, would you say “they’re just depressed” if a man was abusing a woman? If you would extend the same understanding to a man, then carry on. If not…shut the f**k up.

          1. Well, isn’t it a problem if either a man or woman is depressed? Behavior gets erratic. I would submit that women do extend understanding to men and make excuses for abuse. Why do men stand for it? M A is entitled to say what they want, so the STFU comment comes across as hostile. M A did say that working things out via some sort of therapy might be in order, especially if the couple’s history includes a significant chunk of life and possibly even children. But of course the depressed party does need to recognize it. Maybe interventions with friends and family are warranted.

          2. Well, in my experience, stfu accurately describes the feeling created in me by people who dismiss these kinds of problems. I’m not trying to start an argument though. I agree with what you’re saying. I’m just checking M A for any signs of double standards and dismissal. (And my “carry on” comment is real. Not a sarcastic psychology tactic to express disdain. If he actually would extend the same understanding, then he truly may carry on in my eyes)

          3. Sorry, I didn’t say “they’re just depressed” for a woman abusing a man. No where do I claim that depression excuses the behavior. It, however, can be a driving factor. Would I start or continue a relationship with an abusive person regardless of the cause, no. If my partner’s behavior makes a fairly dramatic change would I try to determine the reason and whether I could return the relationship to a mutually beneficial state, yes. If my partner wouldn’t cooperate in that goal would I end it? yes.

      1. No where did I say this applies to every person. However, mental illness is real, sometimes it develops later in life. As you can see from my comments below my perspective is colored (as so much opinion is) by experience. If you’re in a relationship for 15 years and the behavior is a change (i.e. they weren’t verbally/emotionally abusive until then) it is something to consider. Particularly if it’s someone you love and have sworn to be there for even ‘in sickness and in health’. Clinical depression involves a change in brain chemistry, a significant decrease in neurogenesis (ability to make new brain cells) and actual shrinking of part of the brain involved in emotion/positive thought processes.

        A disease doesn’t excuse bad behavior, we’re still responsible for our actions. However, if it is a factor it needs treatment. I don’t have much sympathy for someone who won’t get treatment for a medical condition.

        Who do you trust?
        You ever read ‘Mindhunter’ by John Douglas, an FBI profiler? He interviewed inmates who studied the psychiatric diagnostic manual and claimed they could get themselves diagnosed by the psychiatrists for any condition listed. I guess you read, study, use your best judgment which always tends to improve if you know more.

        By the way, I would have responded to you earlier but I took my kids cross country for the week to see their grandparents (my ex’s parents). Been years since we divorced, I have custody simply because she really doesn’t feel much for her kids. They stopped being a priority to her. She’s not on drugs, not an alcoholic, holds a responsible job and everyone who meets her tend to like and trust her.

  18. Popular culture used to be full of depictions of women emotional and physically abusing their husbands, usually to comic effect. It was realistic abuse being dramatized, but pre- feminist society thought a man getting verbally belittled in public or struck with heavy pans and dishes was hilarious. It’s only with the rise of “victim as Saint” that men stopped being depicted as victims.

    1. I know! Off hand I can think of at least two Laurel & Hardy films like that, an old show called Hee-Haw that had a character called Ida Lee Nagger who constantly nagged her husband till he looked suicidal and I think she used to hit him with a frying pan and rolling pin too, and an episode of Everyone Loves Raymond where the wife was shrieking like a lunatic at the husband for liking her fake breasts she put on.

    2. It’s also interesting to note that most of those pop culture shows are created and written by men. For example, Ray Romano wrote most of Everybody Loves Raymond. So, he’s feeding the abusive archetype into our culture. Frankly, when I watched that show, as a woman sometimes I hated Debra for being such a bee-yatch. I would yell at the screen to tell her to stop being so crazy. But be fair. He was often oblivious to the pain and hurt he caused her. Not because he wanted to be abusive, but because he was unthinking, but it still results in the same thing.

      1. So anotherwords, it’s really his fault that she was abuse towards him since he was “unthinking ” . One more proof that weak men are even lower on the totem pole than abusive men.

        1. Your straw man is on fire. You want to blame women for the ills in the world, go ahead, way to make sure neither side takes responsibilities for mutual understanding.

  19. It’s not that hard to get sucked into a relationship with a psychotic. However, you need to make damn sure of their mental stability and emotional compatibility before you start knocking out kids with them, because once you do that, you’ve signed up for a lifetime of drama and heartache. A divorce won’t solve it.

    1. What if they don’t show any signs until children come into picture? That they know ‘That’ is the time they can let themselves go and be their ‘real’ selves? Using the children as a form of contract to hold the guy hostage? Am sure that’s not far from what some can plan ahead of time.

      1. If you’re really afraid of that with the woman you are with, then she’s not the woman for you. Don’t feel pressured. You sound like a good guy who wouldn’t walk away from his children, but a lot of men do it, and divorce is pretty routine nowadays. If a woman can’t work with you to build your relationship, either you go to counseling and if that doesn’t work, you part ways and seek your bliss elsewhere.

        1. How does me asking metaphorical questions somehow make me afraid and that I have a woman I’m afraid of? Nowhere do I suggest I’m talking about myself or suggest I’m looking for help, this is very peculiar.

          1. There is the “collective you,” which people use to talk in the abstract, not “you” personally, but “you” as in anybody reading it. Let’s go again – The PERSON who is afraid his woman will do that to him is not with the right woman. He should get out of the relationship because he fears of an outcome that may never happen. Part of getting into a relationship is taking a leap of faith. When the anticipation of the good outweighs the fear of the bad, a person should take a leap. As Kierkegaard said, “Life can only be understood backwards; but it must be lived forwards.” But nowadays, with the prevalence of divorce, if a PERSON finds himself/herself in an abusive situation, they can walk away. Whether they have the strength to do it is another conversation.

            A guy I used to be friends with was bewildered why his wife walked away after 15 years and having a child and then got a restraining order, he had never beaten her. But the reason was – he didn’t want the divorce and he wouldn’t stop talking, seeking her out to talk with her, pushing his will on her, because everything they did had to be on his terms. The restraining order was for her to have some peace from his “logic” (which insinuates she was stupid). Abuse comes in many forms. I am no longer friends with him because he is resistant to just listening and he is a verbal and emotional abuser. When he started to try to make me feel stupid and verbally manipulate me, that was the end of that.

          2. No idea why you’re attempting to explain or lecture me on things when you have no idea what I know, don’t know, or what my situation is, are you that itching to explain your life story? I’m a bit lost on what your reasoning is. If you do not know the person at a personal level, but are referencing a collective ideology on, say, common tropes or the like. Then it’s a bit pointless in this situation.

          3. I guess, then, we are not having a conversation and yes, you are correct, I should not bother because I do not know you and you are expressing disinterest in a conversation. Good day.

  20. oh my gosh. I always think I’m an incapable man or something. it’s happened when I was still with my ex. she’s a moody kind of person. I know being moody is somewhat normal thing for women. but she is, I guess, much more special. High expectation at how am I must be, she wants me to read her mind, get angry easily over trivial matters, start to showing me that she’s no longer respecting me as her man. I don’t know what I have to do anymore. everything I did just make her temperament getting worse. It lead to the moment when I feel awkward every time she’s around me. She told me, in sarcastic way, “you’re not capable and fail guy so fuck off”. aaand… we’re break up. she’s got new boyfriend one week later, I end up in my room questioning my capability.

    I thought love is hurting, I thought I’m not worthy enough to get respect from a girlfriend. I don’t want to have love life for a little while. About 4 month later, I finally met my current girlfriend. She’s a cheerful, positive thinking and understanding kind of person. Until today, no problems like what I experienced with my ex, happen again. and then I saw this post. So yeah… it’s clears things up. I’m not a loser. I was just dating an unstable young woman with a little bit abusive tendency.

    1. When you said awhile… I thought you meant like five years… Then you follow up with, “About 4 months later”.

      Dude… You know of no celibacy until you reach at least one year.

    2. No, being moody is not normal for women, it’s normal for all humans. For every abusive woman out there, there’s at least one doormat. Glad you found someone who is good for you, and good to you. We women are not all the same.

    3. It takes time and distance to gain perspective on what happened to you. It is like being a hostage after you willingly and unwittingly walk into their lair. Make no mistake. Abusers, male and female, know what they are doing. I had a twelve year marriage to an extremely emotionally abusive man, and I find that I can spot it dead on now, even when I see a woman abusing her mate. Abuse is abuse is abuse, and these creatures work whatever system is in place to gain personal power over someone close to them… and while we run around decrying the systems in place that allow it to happen, they are always prepared to work their darkness in ANY system, and often go unnoticed, and unaccountable. You should be VERY proud of yourself for gaining your freedom from this succubus. I wish you every happiness, my friend.
      Know this: people who have suffered abuse have a unique understanding of the human heart, and are very special human beings. You are a worthy child of the universe, deserving of love and respect. Never forget that.

  21. I just got out of another situation like this- with a therapist. She wanted to Co-habitate, but keep the house in her name and never marry. When my work situation improves, she became more distant. She picked fights using vague statements, asking for clarity made her even more angry. I feel she was a control freak- wanting someone to help pay off the mortgage- but never making more than her… and I was a wimp- ever devoted, tried to make her happy. I think some women have an issue with the new equality. I mean, same sex couples can wed, women can fight in combat- women can be CEO’s- so, in my experence, when some women feel they don’t measure up they have no excuse and become abuseive.

    It’s nearly runined me- however, all the stuff I did to be better still stands, and she can watch from afar, as I keep improving- with more time for work thanks to being truly single.

    1. I don’t think women have an issue with equality, I think humans have an issue with equality. At the hands of this woman, you are experiencing something that many women have experienced at the hands of men, because it is about who has power. In some instances, society gives power, and in some instances, individuals give power. You have given her power over you.

      Women are learning to use their power and to be less nurturing and accommodating to men – we all have one life to live, and many women don’t want to live it under the thumb of a man. Unfortunately, SOME women mistake that to mean they should keep a man under their thumb. SOME women see the success abusers have achieved and believe they can achieve that as well. Yes it is wrong.

      More power to you if you have walked away from this woman. I hope you can find peace, and maybe a good woman who is interested in true equality and can be a partner to you. Best wishes.

  22. Is your husband cheating on you?Are you on a verge of separation, abusive relationship,arguing,hate Get all this problems sorted before you regret any action made today. I have been dating Carlos for 3years now, I never knew he was seeing another lady,until he called off the our wedding 2months before.I was depressed and heart broken, i needed answer and solutions to why i have been abused and used by Carlos. I went online search for similar problems and solution, then i stormed this great prophet Osaze, which i mail and poured out all my problems and worries, i called and we talked at length,He told me not to worry all will be fine and perfect than before.During this call section, He told me why carlos has done all this wrong to me.Carlos was Bewitched and under a spell from this jealous mistress (EX). He assured me that Carlos will return home 24hrs after we have spoken.I was very happy and pleased with anxiety,joy when i received a call from Carlos,asking were i was,stating he is confused and don’t know what he is doing at his ex house and i should come pick him from there. On getting there this HOME WRECKER, began confessing to her evil deeds to my love.Am 2years marriage and blessed with 2kids now, i have come open to people having similar problem”NEVER NEGLECT YOUR LOVE ONES WITHOUT ANY REASON OR DEEP SEARCH TO THE ROOT OF THE PROBLEM”Contact this great prophet Via Email: spirituallove @ hotmail.com

  23. The reason why there is a correlation of attacks on feminism when discussing emotionally abused men is a simple one. The same reason why many feminists mock male victims of abuse by women and why they try adamantly to silence male victims of abuse because many of these male victims’ abusers were feminist women! Its not simply overt male hatred on feminists part to silence male victims of abuse but to try and suppress evidence of their crimes and to avoid jail time and the best way for them to do that is to undermine the evidence against them by constantly harassing the victim by themselves or in a group effort (which i myself purposefully experienced) in order to make them remain silent. Another way for them to suppress evidence is for men’s abuse shelters to never see the light of day because if their victims do get a support network and sympathy from others who aren’t indoctrinated into your venomous religion then these male victims would regain their confidence and report their feminist abusers to the authorities. For the public to learn this would make the slow creeping death within feminism turn into a inferno resembling that of the Hindenburg and THAT is why feminists try so damn hard to mock and silence male victims of abuse. Hell they use #ibathinmaletears. to do it regularly.

    1. I might venture a simpler explanation (though yours isn’t without merit): pure chauvinism. There’s nothing more chauvinistic than feminism. The reason male victims of women are mocked is because these people don’t take the idea of a “weak” woman ever doing anything to really harm a “strong” man seriously. Or if she does hurt him, it’s merely the subject of some sexual joke and then move on.

      The useful idiots who subscribe to feminism as though it’s some legitimate movement and not a branch of Kulturmarxism don’t see how they’re being played for suckers, and if they do, they miss the point entirely. (Case in point: using leftist talking points to attack an institution dominated by leftists and then offering that certain groups carve out their own niche, such as black feminism, Asian feminism, LGBTXYZ, etc.)

      1. Nothing in that comment indicates an openness to equality among the genders. Maybe equality means that there is some risk that some people – male or female – are culpable for abuse. Instead of “turning the tables” and using a traditionally male word to describe SOME women, everyone would be better served to throw out these pejorative words and just talk to the issues.

        1. ‘m just pointing out that nothing happens in a vacuum. I agree with you that abuse is abuse and anyone who engages in it is fully culpable for their actions.

          I think human behaviors, good and bad have always existed and both sexes were and are equally capable of them.

          I’m talking about the disconnect between what happens and how what happens is perceived both by the individual and by society.

          If you are always on your spouse or significant other, telling them what to do, belittling their ideas and achievements and doing everything you can to make them feel less than and remove their sense of self, that is emotional abuse.

          Yet what did and do we label this behavior when it is the woman doing it? Nagging. She’s a nag. If this were merely an insult towards her, it would not be a problem. Insulting abusers is nothing I have an issue with. But this insult doubles back and hits the abused man in the face. It labels something emotionally devastating as mere annoyance. It trivializes and normalizes behavior that no one either individually or collectively should put up with.

          I should have made it more clear that when I talk about both patriarchy and feminism in these contexts, I am talking about them as world views and lenses in which things that actually happen, then get filtered and distorted.

          So to break it down:

          What happened?- A wife yells at her husband and hits him in public.

          The patriarchal filter- He lost control of his wife- he deserves what she does. (I site medieval France where men were dressed in women’s clothing and forced to ride a donkey backwards for the “crime” of being abused by their wife.)

          The feminist filter- She was acting in self defense, probably after years of his abuse. And yes, preemptive self-defense counts because the larger culture is hostile towards women.

          For the record, I find fault with both of these filters. They both blame the man for what someone else chose to do and both trivialize the woman’s behavior and the man’s suffering.

          In dealing with any kind of abuse towards anyone, we need to examine our cultural assumptions, because our cultural assumptions color our beliefs and our beliefs influence our actions, which is how we handle situations. But in order to do that, we need to be honest about what these assumptions are and where they come from.

          And I would challenge anyone to find a feminist root for the concept of “nag.”

      2. Because feminism is a response to chauvinism and patriarchy, things are going to be filtered through that lense. Patriarchy says that men are strong and women weak and that this is good and natural. Feminism can unfortunately agree with that statement but re-frame it as a bad thing without really examining the core assumptions.
        Power dynamics are not so simple. I came across an article not too long ago that found the higher status (more educated, higher income) were more likely to be the victims of domestic abuse than the less educated, more financially dependent spouse. This is true for both men and women. That blows a lot of feminist assumptions out of the water. But it also blows a lot of more old-fashioned assumptions out of the water as well.

    2. Just as men don’t like being painted with the same brush, neither do women. I am a feminist. That means I will open a door for a man if needed, and thank a man for opening one for me. Because we are equal. Because the goal is to bring forward everyone to the same playing field. Do people take advantage of that? Of course. So now women are doing what men have been doing for ages and being called out, and that’s fine to call out women who do it. As long as you don’t forget that women AND men contribute to this problem.

      Consider this – if a man complains about being the victim of abuse, to whom does he complain? His male buddies, who will call him a wuss? Tell him he’s whipped? Tell him he’s not a man? Will it make him feel supported and validated if his male buddies treat him like he’s weak and stupid? Or pass it off in crass jokes? Because I see that happening a lot. We need to evolve to become more thoughtful and recognize pain for what it is, and not just cover up our discomfort with tasteless and questionable humor. There’s a time for joking, and there’s a time for serious, and it occurs to me that men need to be supportive of other men and just listen to them, instead of taking opportunities to take pot-shots at women. We’re all culpable and we all better realize it.

      1. Nice attempt at deflecting the conversation away from the fact that many within feminism coordinate in the facilitation and application of abusing men in romantic relationships similar to what i myself and eron gjoni of the Quinnspiracy experienced…but I and many others are not swayed by your attempts to put words in the mouths of your detractors.

    3. Above all maintaining the dominance of patriarchy theory is the primary concern. Acknowledging anything resembling duality in matters pertaining to “abuse” is a grave threat to the ideology. It knocks a foundation stone out of their house of cards.

    1. Yes because humankind is the only creature intelligent enough to have such desires to cause harm. Well, unless you include dolphins. They don’t torture but they do kill others for fun.

          1. And yet they train humans to a degree the would make a lion tamer envious… Perhaps they are the perfect example of Nietzsche’s will to power.

  24. This is sad but true. My divorce from a controlling and abusive wife was final about a year ago. I am still dealing with the effects of the smear campaign. I think it’s fantastic that you’re speaking out about how men are abused, but lest we forget, personality disorders are also part of what drives female on male abuse. There is a much wider gap comparing this (which is bad enough) to the damage of a long term marriage to a woman who has a lot of the traits of a severe personality disorder, and married to a co-dependent people pleasing man.

    I have been doing EMDR for close to two years and things are better. At the same time, I am a social pariah in my community because she has claimed I was the abusive one. There is proof of her games and manipulations, a small start is public record that during the divorce, she did not file her financial disclosure until the day of the settlement. A nasty trick that cost me over $10,000 extra that I had to pay. She has crafted a story that I made her pay that amount, and no one will listen to me. So not only was I strong armed into that payment, but she has lied to others that she had to pay me!

    I was the one who suggested marital counseling, I went into personal therapy while still married. I worked on improving myself in the hopes that my marriage was going to improve. I did, the marriage did not. I left the house, I left out of fear. I filed for divorce within 3 days of leaving her. That’s not what abusers do. They also don’t spend three years breaking out of co-dependent patters, they don’t improve themselves, they don’t hold themselves accountable for the mistakes they have made, and gone on to correct what they can, or learn for next time so they don’t make the same mistake. Abusers also do not get isolated after splitting from a victim. Yet stories are told, people believe her and I am the outcast.

    That, to me, is the worst part of it. That as a woman, all you have to do is claim abuse, and you are believed. As a man, if you speak out, you are mocked, laughed at, ridiculed, humiliated, told “it didn’t happen” or any variant of that statement. I now understand why male victims don’t come forward. If I knew then what I know now…..

    What I’d like to see. More information put out here on the personality disordered abusers. More on the smear campaigns. People are fooled by charm and manipulative behavior so easily today, I feel sick even thinking about it.

  25. It’s a pretty good article, although, I don’t think that typically the men who are against feminism are “misogynist”. I think there are misogynists who use it as an excuse, but there are legitimate issues that feminism has caused for men. It’s basically saying “men against feminism are against women” which is so far from the truth. A lot of men AND women who are against feminism are only in conflict with feminism.

  26. I’m so glad you brought this issue up. Maybe you’re going to have to lead the way in awareness of this issue. The beginning of the piece sounds just like how my mom acts to my dad. It’s heartbreaking to watch.

    I firmly believe that negativity is equally dispersed between the genders, but women usually do emotional abuse, and men physical. But because women are more verbal and express their emotions more freely, they talk about their abuse more. And because of sexism and men usually being less comfortable expressing their feelings, men don’t want to appear weak by talking about the abuse they experience.

    In both cases, I think it’s low self-esteem that keeps people in abusive relationships (and causes abusers to abuse). I’m sure this gets passed down to the next generations too in a monkey-see, monkey-do kind of way.

    1. I’d disagree that one type of abuse is confined to a gender. My father abused all of us, but especially anybody female, physically, sexually, mentally, emotionally, spiritually. He passed that on to my brother who has a violent contempt for all women and he abuses physically, mentally, verbally wherever he can get away with it. I have no evidence of sexually, but he has dumped perfectly nice and quite beautiful women after they fall in love with him, so I figure that’s there as well. Yes, my mother was also abusive verbally, but only because she is not physically imposing. People can choose to continue the cycle or break out of it. I have to work very hard not to hear my mother’s words come out of my mouth. And I am hyper-vigilant to abuse among my friends. I will call out anyone, male or female, if they are abusive.

  27. A man who complains he’s being abused is likely to get even more abuse from other males in his social circle – they will call him a wuss or other names. So part of the real isolating problem with men that will make them despair because they have nobody to go to. I think this is a good article and we should all be vigilant against abuse, whether it’s against men, or women, or children, or animals, and we need to recognize that anybody can be the abuser, or the abused.

    1. “A man who complains he’s being abused is likely to get even more abuse
      from other males in his social circle – they will call him a wuss or
      other names.”

      One could try alternate social circles.

      “So part of the real isolating problem with men that will make them despair because they have nobody to go to.”

      Environments which were once limited to males are now virtually non-existent due to female demands for blanket access. Even male change rooms are not out of bounds. It’s not that boys and men have nobody to go to. The places that may have facilitated it have been changed in ways that largely remove the possibility.

    2. I don’t think that is the case at all. I can’t imagine a scenario in which a guy complains to his friends about his relationship and they make fun of him. You’re working off of a caricature, not reality. He wouldn’t say “I’m being emotionally abused,” but I can’t imagine a man who wouldn’t complain about his girl to his friends and have them be receptive. Of course, they’d offer advise: some on how to fix it, other recommending leaving, but again, your first statement doesn’t match any scenario I’ve witnessed (three younger brothers, fraternity, Marine Corps… lots of relationships with “strong” males).

      1. I agree with Citogal here …. men do not share this sort of thing with their buddies. I know I never did. If I’d have complained that my 100lb wife was abusive, always mentally, sometimes physical, they’d have laughed at me. I weigh nearly twice what she does. But I just sat there and took her abuse for 7+ years. She’d slap me across the face. She punched me in my face on several occasions, typically hard enough to make my nose bleed and leave a slight black eye. But I never told anyone about her abuse. It seemed like something I should just take and ‘be a man’ about it.

        If I had ever confided about any of it I’d would have just been met with laughter and taunting to grow a set – and, unfortunately, that is the mentality of 95% of men overall, if not 99%. We are brought up to be tough and just plow through things. We are also expected, within our circle of friends, to be ‘men’ about things, period.

  28. You know what’s interesting? This occurs in the LGBT community as well – woman on woman violence, man on man violence. It’s not really a gender issue. It’s an abusive personality issue.

  29. Would help if men didn’t turn up their noses at decent, caring women while kissing the backsides of that sort!

      1. I’m doing no such thing – victim blaming would be if I said it was his fault she behaved like that.

        1. Unfortunately, some potential partners will start off as caring and considerate, with the abusive nature and patterns coming out much later after a commitment has been made. It can also make complaining about or confronting the behavior difficult, as well as finding support when her public-face seems to be sweet.

          Much like how decent men will wonder why women hook up with bad-boys and then complain about their behavior, I understand your comment to be concerned with men that enter relationships with women that treat them like crap, right from the start.

          Unfortunately, many abusive people are adept at keeping that aspect (mostly) hidden from public, and their spouse gets the brunt of the abuse when out of site, or what is done in public just seems petty and insignificant. It follows a trend of isolating and controlling behavior that eliminates most outside contact, making him feel that no one would believe his complaints that she’s very different when they’re alone.

          Then again, our society seems to find women abusing men, physically and mentally, to either be humorous or justified. I’ve seen too many men, after a physical assault from their spouse, be asked “What did you do to make her mad?”, or “You go, Girl!”

          Not taking this abuse seriously is just more of modern feminism’s infantilizing of women.

    1. Because decent, caring people don’t “love bomb.”
      “Love Bombing” is when someone showers you with so much love and affection early on that they hook you. For the first view weeks or even months of the relationship, they treat you like the best thing in the universe. They confide in you and tell you awful details of their past that in a normal, healthy relationship would not be addressed until actual trust and affection has built up.
      Then it stops and in comes the belittling, cruelty and devaluing. It is understandable that someone would be highly motivated to get the love bomb back.
      As for a relationship with a decent, caring woman, after you’ve been with a love bomber, it can be like trying to make do with coffee after a cocaine addiction.

      1. Insightful and accurate. Sadly, probably a part of our biological history (behavior is linked to brain structure and our brains have evolved for hundreds of thousands of years to encourage breeding, and with lifespans which seldom exceeded 30-35 years for millennia) which initiates this behavior. As discouraging as this may seem, we may be stuck with it and can only seek mates with lower levels of these traits (some seem evident in all females) balanced with empathy and compassion learned as they developed in stable-loving homes. I like the cocaine comparison, our brains are bathed with phenolethylamines , dopamine and oxytocin during youthful sexual interchanges. Our limbic systems are changed forever and we seek to reclaim the thrill. It occurs is females too, as we see the classic pattern of naïve late teen, early twenties females (decent on the surface) becoming attached to sociopathic men and ruining their lives to meet the ancient/irrational mating needs.

    2. I understand your frustation as a good woman. From my experience, I didn’t know that she would change. I honestly thought she was a nice and caring person. What they do is start arguments and getting verbally and physically abusive, blaming the man for her being abusive. So he stays thinking that he’s the problem. The abuser plays hot and cold. She’s sweet one day and slamming doors the next. She doesn’t want him to have contact with his friends or family, who tell him something is wrong with her.

    3. You mean like how women like the bad boy, while ignoring the nicer man? It is a sad needy argument and so is yours.

        1. But isn’t it funny how the very same oft neglected ” good girl” tends to gravitate all to readily to the ” bad boys”, when the good guy becomes ” boring “.

    4. That sort often disguise themselves until the men are ensnared in a contract with her and The State, so she can use the force of The State to control him.

  30. I really appreciate you sharing your story. I’m coming out of a relationship exactly like you described just this week and I feel completely devastated emotionally. She took everything I had to give emotionally and physically, so now I feel like an empty wasteland. It really helps to know I’m not alone in having endured that kind of abuse and that you were able to move on and find a rewarding and satisfying marriage afterwards.

    1. Hang in there man …. it gets better! Much better! It is very hard to see it so soon outside, but with some time you will realize how much better off you will be going forward. You will learn from the mistakes of this terrible relationship and apply it going forward. I knew more of the ‘crazy’ to look out for, and I also knew I would never invest time in someone who I didn’t know was going to be the right girl for me ever again!

      It took me a good 6 to 8 months for the fog to start lifting and really get over everything, and by the 1 year mark I was starting into a new, serious relationship and was so much f*cking happier!!

  31. I was a prisoner of a tribe of sociopaths for 15 years..Now 11 years later she is still in the business of causing problems in my life…A vicious psycho controller…..and her minions…Her Motto was/is Control or Destroy….

  32. Im going thru exactly thru this i feel sad i feel like if ill never find anyoneelse i read the stories and wow like if u guys saying my life idk what to do its not healthy anymore

  33. Michelle Langley’s “Female Infidelity” can answer a lot of this; in brief, a woman becomes biologically compelled to dump her mate after 4 years and/or one child (roughly); known as the 4 year female feral sexual cycle. Throw in the natural male-hated that is Feminism and you get things like this; .

    1. No. Just no. I’m a feminist; my best friend is a guy, and I’m trying to help him get out of an abusive relationship. You have no idea what you’re talking about.

      1. That’s precisely what feminism is, and was always about. Enslaving the masses of lower class powerless men, so that a few powerful elite man can retain all the power. All under the guise of “empowering women”.

  34. Hi i have a problem not really sure whats going on thought i might get an answer on here. About 11 years ago i thought i met the perfect woman she was beautiful sweet and just different then anyone id ever met but as time went on things started to change it started with i didnt spend enough time with her. So i decided that i wouldnt go out as much and not much longer after that i was spending most my time with her and things went fine for a little bit now lets fast forward some now im to the point where the only pepole i talk to is family i no longer have any friends around me. She drops a bomb and says one night she was out and made a mistake and kissed another guy and that she did it because i wasnt sweet or romantic enough so like any man it hit my ego we got into an argument over it . Then we made up i understand that anyone can make a mistake and i took the blame for it and tried to be more romantic and show her i loved her so we moved in together one day i came home from work and got on the computer and found some msg to another guy she then again said it was my fault and i was misunderstanding it so i wrote it off again she then started to be little me mainly at home when we were alone told me i was little didnt do anthing for her and shed had way better lovers in her past and why couldnt i b more like them this was happening on a fairly regular basis and was constantly telling me i was abusing her and she was gonna leave and did leave a few times and stole money from me and it did get to the point where i started lashing back at her for it yes i felt bad but i didnt know what else to do things got so bad in my head that i started to believe nobody but her would put up with me and i wasnt happy i even tried suicide a couple times bit i didnt do it right she has turned her entire family against me and even tried turning mine against me no it didnt work but here is my delema i finally worked up the nerve to leave it hurt especially since there is a kid involved but now im left with the qestion of am i that horrible person that she has described to everyone or am i the victim of abuse that just finally said id had enough i know i dont want to be an abuser and i dont want to be abused and here is somthing else here the last 2 months she has been really trying to get me back but i dont wanna go back i know she is just going to hirt me more and things will get worse but on the other hand it feels like im kinda abandoning my son by saying no and kewping my distance from her what should i do im so confused

    1. You are the victim, she abused you. Never doubt yourself. You walked away from your abusive ex, not your son.

    2. Sounds like what a friend of mine is going through. Get out.

      And you’re not abandoning your son. You’re giving him an example of not allowing yourself to be treated like that. You deserve better and so does he.

    3. Understand that the best thing she’s ever done for you was to give you a child but aside from that you are at war. Not only that but you are at war with an adversary devoid of a conscience, so be prepared for anything. Protect and prepare yourself for the combat to come dealing with this personality disordered women.

    4. Make sure you build a case. Documentation and recordings for the divorce. What state are you in?

  35. My abuse is still on going! I am a 28 year old male I’m a usual type of guy I can be a little annoying at times I have some lazy habits and I’m not perfect ! But!!i am more than aware off my faults and I do try to address them my girl freind on the other hand is 6 years older and is undeniail off anything she does wrong she refuses to talk about any off our problems unless it’s making me look bad and working in her favour ! She usually screems and shouts so loud it’s peircing! She has been accusing me off all sorts off unfaithful things since I can remember also made me close down my social media profiles it got so bad I had to get rid off my cell phone on numouras occasions just to proof in not using them at work but it’s one rule for me and not for her she always says iv done nothing nice for her when iv always done nice things for her she’s got that bad after months off her accusations and her nasty moods her cold nature towards me her bitterness and mental abuse that I have lashed out towards her pinning her to the wall in anger telling her to get off my case and quit it she freaked started screaming and the domestic argument got worse I’d finally snapped I’d stayed silent for to long !! Every time I tried talking to her about the subject prior she would cut me off by getting louder than me and not get a word in edge ways always leaving me feeling frustrated yet I would back down because I’d rather not have an argument . So I had to get my say across !!! I pinned her to the wall I told her exactly how she was making me feel that I was feeling worthless and that I wasent happy she then managed to turn it around saying it was me I’m not there for her and I’m useless at being a partner then started saying I was going crazy and I need anger management wich I agreed as I was very aggressive in that one argument ! But I got help. yet nothing on her part changed still making me feel bad on a daily basis treating me like a mug asking me to do this do that get her this pass her that take dog for a walk and so on while she does nothing if I try talking and creating a convo it usual ends up in an argument wich she always starts and wins she refuses to admit were she goes wrong always kicks me out for stupid little reasons but I’m stupid enough to go back because I love her and iv nowhere else to go ! She’s started to make me feel like I’m going crazy like It really is me she doesn’t let me play my guitar at all says it’s annoying and I care more about it than her she I spend all my money on her and when I’m broke and have no money she makes me feel bad and says she gets nothing off me so why should she help me out ! I take daily abuse off her not so much in the form off insults but more in the form off guilt I’m actually beleaving I’m useless and iv done wrong by not being there for her but I love this girl so much when she’s being nasty I look at her and I’m secretly hating her but that all goes away when she says some thing nice or justs treats me reasonable for a few hours but it’s not too long and she’s just horrible again ! I can’t leave because I literally have nowhere to go I depend on her so much but I do love her sooo much too but it’s been getting worse I take so much crap day in day out I exploded and I again pinned her up but this time by the throat she wouldn’t stop screaming and shouting and for the first time in my life I had been violent to a women ! I just couldn’t take it resulting in me retaliating and becoming just as bad as her but I can only take so much crap for so long but she just won’t stop and I explode like a slow pressure cooker ! Now I’m loosing sight is it me who is the abuser or abused??? I admit were I have gone wrong and violence is not acceptable in any shape or form I am in the process of getting help but yet she still won’t admit she has done wrong to or has any issues her self she is so indenial !! In her eyes it’s just me to blame and it’s all me I’m useless violent selfish and I have issues??? I do have anger problems! I must do ! But I’m not going crazy like she’s trying to make me beleave! She has always been the alpha in the relationship what she says goes I agree for an easy life and back down but our arguments are getting worse resulting in me getting arrested ! We argue she screems and shouts so loud the naibours hear and call the police but it’s only her shouting and me trying to talk but yet police have arrested me becouse she’s in tears and crying and I’m male so it must be me who’s the aggressor ? Really what do I do ??? I need to know what any body thinks please ?

    1. You have to really, really examine your own behavior to see if there is, in fact, credit to her claims. Also how have your other relationships ended? If there is a lot of mysteriously being dumped, or women acting similarly to her, then the problem is, in fact with you (if you are a narcissist, then you won’t be able to see that the fault is with you – that’s a big problem). However if all your other relationships were pretty normal, and after deep thought you conclude you haven’t done enough wrong to merit her behavior, then it’s probably with her. Try to be as objective as possible. And consider ending the relationship, it sounds toxic regardless of who is to blame.

      1. Erin, you are so full of crap it is unbelievable. This poor guy has been mentally abused by his gf and you try to put the blame on him and imply he may be a narcissist. Go hang your head in shame.

      2. “There’s no excuse for abuse.” Feminists used to say that. Now that we know the #1 physical and emotional abuser in relationships is the female, feminists have gone strangely silent.

      3. This is not the response of a normal person to a Borderline/Narcissist/Histrionic, this is the desperate musings of a victim of such a creature.
        I can’t see how you could possibly believe what you posted. Did you read Nathan’s post? Is it your goal to trip him up and ensure further suffering?

      4. You are right but no it was just this one relationship she is genuinely a syco Iv since got out and can see clearer than ever it’s come to light she accused her ex befor me off rape he was later found innocent an old friend off hers contacted me and told me all about her past and I am so glad I got out off there Iv since spoke to that ex partner in question he was a victim off her abuse too I’m so lucky to have been able to get out but thanks for the advice my my problem was I was too blind to see the warning signs and fell in love with an absolute syco

    2. Iv been in long term relationships befor and they was fine and I actually ended them due to normal reasons I wanted to get out and spread my wings the uther was becouse off working long distance it wasent working I’m very honest to my self I admit I snapped but this is due to not being able to take no more off her greif she’s made it so I physically depend on her after pushing all my freinds away including family she has a history off abusive relatoinShip and u was warned away from her wen we first met ! But you can’t help who you fall for I’m constantly spending my wages on her yet she claims it to be the uther way round she demands things from me rather than asks she’s constantly got my trying to earn her love and respect and whenever we seem to be getting on she has to kick me down a level so she’s on top never complimenting me or nothing I came on here for advice and your doing the same as anyone does forget the fact iv asked for help and turn it around to her that’s the victim like she manages to make out all the time so what a waste off time this was

      1. Leave her. Don’t ruminate overif it’s her or you just leave. Trust me, when you leave you’ll be able to think more clearly. Right now she’s messing with your head.

      2. This is only the beginning my friend. She’s grooming you for more elaborate and severe abuse in the near future.
        Get out of this toxic relationship and resume the life you had prior to meeting her ( friends, family, hobbies, etc…). Get some therapy to work out your own issues so you never experience place yourself in this toxic situation again. Go “no contact” if at all possible but put yourself first.

    3. Get the f**k out asap. Love ain’t support to hurt my friend and it damn sure doesn’t come with a jail sentence.
      Get away as fast as you can. Do not let her know you’re leaving or risk retaliation. Do everything you can to protect your money, your identity, and your credit and leave when she’s not home. Go live with friends, or family even your car if you have to cause this situation will continue to worsen. Eliminate all contact with her because she will attempt to “Hoover” once your gone. Make a list of all of the abuse you’ve endured as a reminder of why you left in the first place and get some therapy. This relationship dynamic will repeat itself if you don’t figure out why you would allow someone to treat you so poorly yet still crave their approval. Good luck my friend.

    4. Run away. Pack when she’s not around and run away. This will not end well for you. And what ever you do, no hanky panky. You cannot afford to have an “oops.”
      Some people can’t be helped because they don’t think they have a problem. Research Cluster B disorders.
      You’ll find you don’t have anger issues when you don’t get abused every day. Bright days are ahead for you if get out now.

  36. i might not realize this problem for certain amount of time, i was blaming my boyfriend for neglecting me or sidelining me when having gathering with friends. sometimes, he blurted out that he was afraid of me being edgy or randomly losing control of myself. Maybe sometime, i overreacted a bit and bring him a lot of mental pressure without noticing.

    however, it would not be so serious as being constantly on edge, walking on eggshells, and waiting for the other shoe to drop. such traumatic response are impossible for my boyfriend. but it’s important to care about their feeling and don’t take anything for granted, respect each other’s need.

  37. tolerate and excuse away as normal

    This is what typically happens with female misbehavior. Bad things men do are criminalized. Bad things females do are understood.

    Feminists call that ‘equality’.

    1. Don’t blame us. I condemn Female Abuse too. The 50’s was the era for abusing females. Now it’s the abuse of males. When will we get to the era of abusing NOBODY?!

  38. I have too been in very mentally abusive relationship, I’m trying to get over the effects and resonate with everything from this article and more so, keep your head up and DON’T feel like it’s your fault or take the stiff upper lip approach, you’re a good person, just some people are toxic…

    she was rather twisted, what’s worse is she is a psychologist and have since found out that I’m not the first one this has happened to… We don’t have the role in England, she is an American PA in Psychology, we met travelling and she was 10 years older not that you’d of known. I just kept making excuses for her abuse ways and thought I deserved it, for nearly 3 years, my family and friends have been so worried about me as I’ve not been able to see it…. I compromised myself and became lost in abuse and love. It was utterly horrendous, so twisted, what she’d get me to try and believe & do, completely ostracise me, words can’t articulate how torturous it all was. I don’t understand how I could stay and now I’ve paid the price and has had a serious effect on my physical/mental health… I’ve been so close to taking my life, It has compromised who I am, someone with some much passion and love for life, she couldn’t take my kind generous nature from me…

    I would recommend talking to someone, anyone, it’s hard, it’s been 6months to the day since I managed to part from this sick twisted person and have started to talk to someone professionally, so I can move on, process and deal with this to get over the anxiety and sick things. I think it’s crazy just because she is a women, she gets away with it… She started to get a bit physically abusive towards the end, got a nice little scar for my troubles. I’m just glad I got out before she trapped me any further.

    It is very unfair and worrying that she gets to continue on like nothings happened and repeat the cycle with someone else… I always thought I should report her to the board after the kind of things that she done to me and said about patients in her care, but why would they believe me I’m just the “crazy-ex” right… funny I have every single text message from the first to the last, including abusive recordings saved just in case she tries something.

    It’s a weird feeling wanting yourself back… building yourself back up from ground zero is so dam hard. One of the hardest things I’ve had to do and trust me, I’ve been and seen things way more than my years, so I’ve always had an older head on my shoulders. Time is a strange thing, and I can only hope the future is still bright, but I don’t want to waste it. I’ve avoided anything to do with her social media, friends the whole shebang. Surround yourself around good people, try to do new things, things that make you happy, travel you name it.

  39. When I see an emotionally abusive female striking out at her man either verbally or physically, I speak up and call her on it. “That’s emotional abuse” or “That’s relationship abuse” is all I have to say. Usually the female tries to laugh it off and the man is embarrassed. I say no more unless one of the pair tries to engage me in conversation.* Just one little sentence is all it takes to put female abuse of men out there where it is seen for what it is, at least for a moment. Better embarrassed now than in the morgue later.

    * Then I usually say little more than “Training someone bigger and stronger than yourself that hitting is ‘love’ is probably going to turn out bad someday” The female is almost always the one to try to make excuses, saying something like, “I love him and he’s so big I can’t hurt him anyway.” Other times I might say no more than, “Uh oh, there’s no excuse for abuse.”

    1. I love this! I hope no matter the person’s gender, this is spoken accordingly to the partner who behaves abusively and the survivor (with whatever necessary edits in regards to size).

  40. When did men become such docile wimps? Got a woman constantly belittling you? Tell her off. If she keeps it up, get rid of her. Men used to be problem solvers, now they’re y running (apparently) to the nearest female psychologist to learn how to “cope”. Ridiculous

    1. STFUdonny:

      It’s not about being a docile wimps, it’s about knowing , the moment you really deside to shut her up. And we are not talking about a knock out of even a slap. Just a strong Man move. that the police will come and you will be arrested, 3 days in the can, 1 year of DV courses at 50 dollars per week, 1000.00 in fines, a blurp in your record, a restraining order where she can stalk you but you can not go near her, all of which prevent you from getting better jobs. etc…..

      No, the guy who bides his time until he can cleanly escape is anything but a docile wimp. He is a POW survivor.

      You are assuming that this person is a normal person and they just plain are not.

    2. Females became pigs themselves and like pigs(a guy like yourself the way you sound) Smdh Females like animals not real men. They stupidly think “real men” are pigs.

    3. I think this comment is particularly unhelpful. If people are reading this article – many will be looking for strength to escape or overcome a partner like this. Comments like yours make the person feel more ashamed. What if the person you loved started manipulating you slowly and blackmailing you? If you don’t know about these things or have no experience of it yourself just don’t weigh in.

    4. tradcucks and feminazis, gender traitors all.

      here, without a doubt, is the most perfect and pristine example of the traitorous tradcuck white knight, blaming men for women’s mistakes and faults.

      they were never on the side of men.

  41. It’s not just husbands or boyfriends; it’s in the workplace too. I have a member of staff like this, who until recently has gotten away with it because of a pre-existing friendship with my boss. I had to take it to HR in the end, and now she’s pretending that *she’s* the wronged party, despite many witnesses to her bad behaviour!

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  43. I’m in a emotional abusive relationship right now….. I’m almost positive she’s borderline too.

    1. Women abusing men tend to act in self-defense. Think about what it is you are doing that threatens her so. Your privilege may blind you.

      1. dont do that. thats called victim blaming. were not talking about normal women. this is about abusive women.

        1. Then what about abusive men? Men who reject cultural and biological programming to not hit women have certainly taken leave not only of empathy, but of their desire to belong to society in any true sense. That is exactly why, even if misogynist research pointing to 70% female perpetration is true, I STILL consider domestic violence against women to be the bigger problem. Just look at the murder rates: across the world, spousal homicide against men is between 20% and 30% of the total.

          And yes, that figure INCLUDES women who killed their husbands in self defense or with battered wife syndrome.

          1. Their is no way to clearly positively respond to abuse this article is stating that separation from abuse is necessary. Abuse is abuse and yes women abuse too in numbers that society has yet to take into consideration.

        2. I’m not blame it on a mental illness. I was abused too. We just need to leave abusers. They call pedophiles mentally ill and we do not choose to keep them around. Why do it with anyone who acts abusive to you? Tell her she’s an abuser and do it public and be proud to walk away and never return.

      2. You better be sarcastic. I believe in privilege too, but that happens to be part of female privilege.

        1. I get why men would disagree. It is hard to give up privilege and accept women as humans. But for a woman to exhibit such callousness to women defending themselves from life-threatening violence in a world run by men, for men, and protecting male abusers, is downright callous. While I condemn the use of “misogyny” where it is not warranted, this is truly approach the original sense of the word.

          Even I, as a gay man who has never used violence, am privileged by the system. If I ever get into a fight with a woman, I know I can beat her up all I want and that the system will be on my side. And even if I she bumped into me, and I beat her to a bloody pulp, if I answer honestly to the surveys that purport huge levels of female-perpetrated violence, my case will be recorded as female-initiated reciprocal violence. MRAs will actually feel oppressed because of incidents that put women in hospitals. I am sad, because many of them are good reasonable people: they are only blinded by an overwhelming sense of entitlement – and the women that they control, of inferiority.

          1. Fine, that case is a part of male privilege. But what about a case where a woman beats a man up, and the man fights back?! Some cases are cases where the man is in the wrong and it’s a MRA’s whining. Abuse is abuse. I’m glad to met a fellow feminist. Maybe I need to learn a thing or two to figure out the truth.

          2. 1% of the population is psychopathic. Mostly men, but also in the US alone around a million women. They would probably feel little compunction about beating up or even murdering men. And with gender roles and popular culture sending the message that slapping men is fine, of course women will do it. In fact, underlying the denial of female violence is exactly the kind of idealisation of women that devalues them in the work place. You don’t trust a billion dollar company to someone you perceive as a weak, pure victim. Neither women nor men.

            But I do not think the issue is neither systemic nor a major threat. A man who slaps a woman instills much more fear than the other way around. And our justice system is skewed to favour men anyway, so male victims are much more likely both to get justice if they are victims, and to escape it if they are perpetrators. Brock Turner got out after six months after raping an UNCONSCIOUS woman. Just imagine if the genders had been reversed? MRAs would have called for the death penalty!!!

            In fact, if the overwhelming majority of opinions in these comments would not be so one-sided and at times misogynist (a term I prefer to use sparingly), I would have shed some light on this sight of the problem. But nowadays, all we hear is about what a terrible deal men get. No need to add to that.

          3. You just wrote that the justice system was skewed in favor of men? This must have been a typo. . .
            You strike me as one who has a passionate view of the topic and won’t let facts and evidence sway you.

          4. Misogyny is never warranted. It by definition implies that men are of greater value than women. That would be horsesh#t. We are all in this together as humankind. We all have our part to play and those parts are of equal value.

          5. Hmmm it is either a definition OR an implication, right…? But English is not my native language.

            I do not think that misogyny is about how we value women. We consider it misogynist that women were not able to, say, practice medicine (I made that up, but it has to have been the case somewhere). But that is about thinking women are less competent, or about wanting to protect women for anything that could be dangerous. In fact, much of misogyny stems from considering women TOO valuable, which justifies treating them like children: we love and cherish them, but we do not let them drive.

            A tribe that did not consider women intrinsically more valuable than men would never survive: for most of humanity, we lived for less than 30 years, saw up to half of our children die, found ourselves in perpetual warfare with other tribes, and knew nothing about disease. If we had not organised society around giving women the protection they need to bear the average of 4-5 children per women needed for the tribe to survive at all, we would all be dead by now. Of course, for a few generations now, we live in a society where we can be who we want to be to extents previously unimaginable, but we are of course held back by the cultural and biological programming that enabled our survival for 99.9% of the history of our species.

            I am an amateur in this. But to me, this is a basic and straightforward insight that we are amazingly good at ignoring. Perhaps that, too, is the protective instinct at work: if we admit that we as a society has to prioritise women, we are inviting the question of what that means for gender equality. Cue the misogynists of the day, the men’s rights activists. We all hate them, and I think that is fundamentally because they are threatening the very basis of our civilisation.

            We call all of this misogyny. And sure, somewhere out there, there are definitely people who deeply hate women, something enough to resort to violence. But that has little to do with the structural problems holding women – and non-conforming men – back.

          6. Anders, I have witnessed narcissistic abuse from both men and women. “Privilege” is a pretty wrapper to protect perpetrators of abuse from owning their abusive ways and being accountable for them. I am a woman. Female narcissistic abuse can be more covert and not fully manifest itself until the “supply” is fully enmeshed in the relationship. Goes for female narcissistic individuals that I have had the misfortune of befriending; why do you think such a woman would not use the same technique on a romantic relationship with a man? I have had it relatively easy with such narcissistic women–I didn’t share my bed or my body with them (which for many good men creates an indelible bond which makes such crazy-making behavior hard to recognize, deal with, and walk away from).

            In fact, narcissistic abuse can be a debilitating issue in gay or lesbian relationships. None of us are immune….narcissistic individuals come in every size, color, gender, creed.

          7. You said English is not your first language, so maybe you don’t live in the US, but try beating up a woman in most parts of the US, or even just shoving her aside to get past her if she won’t let you leave the room, and be prepared for felony assault charges in the first case and fourth degree assault (misdemeanor) in the second case. Be prepared also to have a protection order taken out against you triggering confiscation of your legally owned firearms, restrictions on visitation with your children and loss of employment in certain occupations, and a quick trip to jail if you have any contact with the woman in violation of the protection order, even if she’s the one who initiated it.

            I practiced family law for several decades before my recent retirement, so believe me when I advise you NOT to assume you can beat up a woman here with impunity. Bad, bad idea.

      3. You are a homosexual male, so you haven’t ever seen this up close. Trust me, a woman might not be able to overwhelm you physically, but she can cut you apart in about a million ways mentally, emotionally, and spiritually. Further, she can use objects against you, and even if you try to defend yourself, the police will be all on her side.

      4. So if a man abuses a woman it’s his fault and if the woman abuses him, it’s still his fault. Seems to me the “privilege” belongs to the woman. (Or maybe you were being sarcastic?)

        Men who abuse women also “tend to act in self-defense” in that they are defending their conviction that they are entitled to control the woman, and the woman does something that threatens that. If you think we women are immune to that desire (to control our partners), you don’t know too many of us. Like most people, male and female, most women keep it under reasonable control, but those who don’t can be viciously abusive. Women’s lesser muscle mass and upper body strength may put fewer men in the hospital, but women’s greater emotional skills help put vastly larger numbers of men in the suicide statistics, so it’s not like women’s emotional abuse is a victimless offense.

    2. I’ve done so much research on Npd and Bpd, in an efffort to fix my relationship, that I should have an honorary degree. It sounds like you have been doing some research as well so you know that your relationship will not improve.
      I speak from experience when I say you will lose yourself in her drama if you refuse to take the research you’ve done and her behavior at face value. Hopefully, you don’t have any kids with her and aren’t married because that complicates matters. Regardless the solution is still the same.
      Get out while the abuse is still uncomfortable to you.
      Attitudes like the reply posted by “Ander’s” is what keeps good guys in bad relationships even after recognizing something is chronically wrong. I would bet money that Ander’s perspective would be the opposite if the gender roles were reversed.
      Get out and save yourself my friend. The deeper you entrench yourself into this toxic relationship, with this personality disordered women, the worse the damage you will incur. You deserve to be happy and have a good life. Once you’re gone get back to being the old you, work on improving yourself, and get some counseling to deal with the abuse and trauma.

    3. William, do not blame it on a mental illness. You just need to leave. They call pedophiles mentally ill and we do not choose to keep them around. Why do it with anyone who acts abusive to you? Tell her she’s an abuser and do it public and be proud and walk away and never return. Keep you head. up. I hope you read this.

  44. Your wife being upset about attractive women on tv is so far removed from being a logical argument that it’s ridiculous. If your past infidelity is the main issue then you were definitely wrong and if you love her it MUST never happen again. That aside, what does she expect you to do, live an apology for the rest of your life? Listen to a YouTube vid of Patrice O’Neal and Marc Maron speak about this very subject. I hope it offers some clarity.

  45. I just got out of one. The first few times she said things, I let them go. Then I finally said enough is enough with the put downs.

    She was more of a man than me
    Ask to fix something, I would start, then it would be you dont know what you’re doing. Stop. It;s all wrong.
    Chastise me for ironing my clothes before going out
    Constantly laugh at me for fixing my hair. Telling me I was worse than a woman
    Belittle me for eating food. Its no good for you. You need to eat like a vegan
    My opinion on any topic was wrong.
    She would say something, then say “did I hurt your feelings” while laughing
    I wasn’t supposed to have any feelings on anything
    If I mentioned a story about something going on at work, it was always my fault.
    She would finish my sentences and when I would tell her to let me finish, she would say that what she said was what I was going to say
    Her feelings for me were based on my income. Because my retirement account was not high enough for her, she could only ‘like’ me
    I wasnt allowed to leave her side when going to her friends house to talk with the man of the house and other guys
    She would ask for pictures of my ex wife to she if she was as pretty as her
    When she needed to talk about her life, I was there 24/7. When I needed to talk about things, she would tell me “you will figure it out”
    She made so much fun about the car that I drove, that I gave it away and bought another one.
    She said that I was there for her entertainment. That I had to keep her amused at all times
    One of the things that really ate at me was the fact that she would shame overweight people and other womens bodies and their clothes
    The final straw for her was when I didnt text her good morning because I was really busy at work. She ended it the next day with a text that said I was toxic
    She would laugh and tell her friends that I treated her so good and she didnt deserve it

    It hurts so bad as I fell in love with her. I did treat her great because that was how I felt about her and wanted to let her know that.

    I’ve lost a ton of weight because of the break up (over a month ago). I’ve broken down and cried, even at work. Going through things she said and done, I am so mad and angry because I left myself in that position.

    At the end, I even apologized for failing her as a man. I thought it was my fault. After going through things in my mind, I didnt do a damn thing wrong and my anger is staggering over it. I have isolated myself from everyone and sit in the house after work in the dark.

    1. Thank you for sharing your story. I am sorry too that you have experienced this in your relationship. I am glad you have shared your story though for others to read as it may help them identify emotionally abusive relationships they may also be in and not realise.
      My wife too was similar to your story…..probably even worse. Its hard as you try and try again to make the relationship work as you love this person……but that blinds you to the abuse. I always wondered how women who were beaten by their partners would go back. I think now I have some better understanding.
      I feel from reading the way you wrote your story you are probably a good man. I have come to the realisation since seperating that I don’t need anyone else to feel whole or complete, nor do I need their validation. I hope you realise that too and enjoy your life.
      Good luck to you.

    2. Dude, I hope she could suck the chrome off a bumper, made Kate Upton look dumpy, tasted like honey, was as tight as a 16 year old virgin, and wanted you in all three holes twice a day. That would be in addition to contributing a large amount of money to the operation of the relationship. Anything less, and the big, overwhelming question immediately becomes: are you INSANE? I mean, I can take abuse with the best of them, but quid pro quo, man. Like I said above, I would take the abuse in exchange for ALL of the above. Anything less and any straight guy with reasonable looks and ok income would be gone faster than spit on a griddle. Like they say plenty o fish!

      1. You are wrong. Many perfectly manly men are in this situation and not with “perfect” partners (other than being abusive). That is the whole point; men can be just as vulnerable to a narcissist or abuser as a woman. To suggest that a man should be able to overcome this kind of situation “faster than spit on a griddle” is to suggest that a “normal” man would be stronger and not get caught in an abusive relationship. This is a backhanded way of suggesting that those who do are weak, and that is not the case.

        1. Weak is defined by abuse without quid pro quo. It’s what slaves get: abuse without wages. The slave might love the massa, but they’s still a slave! So, if a woman wants to treat a strong man like crap and he stays, it’s got to involve some Ferrari and Jemma Jamison level compensation. We will save the prostitution discussion for later.

          1. dz, I’m not sure your understanding of human behavior is very comprehensive or maybe you just like to throw out those Jemma Jamison references for your own masturbatory purposes, but in matters of love and relationships things are just not this simple. Strong men (and women) are NOT weak in the sense you are implying. Men need the same emotional and physical connection to another person as women, but can be just as vulnerable to the charms of an abuser as anybody else. Strong men remain entangled with abusers for lots of reasons, whether trying to preserve a relationship because of children or real love for their abusive partner or fear of repercussions of some other kind. This is simply not weakness.

          2. You don’t need to feel guilty or blame yourself for staying in that abusive relationship. Hopefully you’ve already walked. BTW, strong people don’t stay in abusive relationships. Loving someone who, for spite, is cruel to you is a psych disorder called masochism.
            It’s ok. Just leave. You’ll be a better person and happier too!

        2. Rowina I agree with you. I’m a survivor of abuse. What I have learned is I need to find out what I need to identify in a woman to know she is an abuser ahead of time. Some of us men have no idea what we are getting into till its too late.

          1. Aaron, I know this to be true; I have seen it in more than one male friend but particularly in a friend who is still married to his abuser. They have been estranged for most of their 25 year marriage, but he swears she changed dramatically within the first few years of their marriage and his description is of a classic narcissist. He is berated constantly; blamed for every problem they have; subjected to insane jealousy (can’t even talk to female co-workers at work); she withholds affection of all kinds; accuses him of being gay even when he talks with his men friends; and tries to keep him from his daughter and siblings…..and then threatens suicide or to destroy their property if he leaves her. It is the suicide threat that keeps him in this insane situation…that along with his own history of childhood abuse and abandonment. This man joined the Marines at 17 yrs; served in Iraq; is still a Blackhawk pilot; and is valued in his job. He is NOT WEAK; but rather a strong survivor who walks on eggshells and tries to please a woman with a personality disorder and who cannot be satisfied. As far as identifying these things ahead of time, I’m no judge of that, but I would say that an abuse survivor should work with a counselor to identify their own vulnerabilities to particular people. Narcissists are supposedly very charming and ensnare their “victims” before they show their true nature. My friend tells the story of his wife throwing a raging fit when she found out he consulted his sister to pick out her engagement ring. She said he should have done that by himself, knowing what she liked. I told him that was probably a clue that she was not an appropriate match for him, but of course hind sight is 20/20. I would again suggest counseling to improve future outcomes. And I am sorry you had to be subjected to this; no one should have to give up their dignity or identity for love.

          2. I truly wish I had someone like you as a friend. The hardest part of this is being alone, terrified of losing my children, my home, everything I have worked so hard to create. Those you are your friends are lucky people indeed.

          3. exactly Rowina. It all starts out nice and cozy and the shift is so gradual you bearly pick up on it until you’re in an abusive situation comparing then to now. You can’t tell. We live in a society where women merely need to cry, make a couple of phone calls and bleat endlessly about abuse because a guy didn’t hold the door open for her and she’s believed. A guy who is genuinely abused will not only more likely be chastised, but almost definitely be forced to leave his kids with the abusive woman and have a restraining order taken out on him so he can’t even rescue his kids when she’s bullying them. That’s beside the point. We enter into a relationship, sometimes against our better judgement or not, with the idea the other reciprocates our feelings by accepting us; at least that’s what I thought. Everything starts out as hand holding and coffee in the park, you’re honest with them about your history, habits or vices, but eventually she grows dissatisfied and wants more. She envisages a relationship as something more complicated. That’s exactly how it began with me. I was honest about smoking, about my ex who kidnapped my son overseas, my ambitions and plans for the future, she accepted that and wanted a child with me; it happened a bit sooner than planned but I cherish my kids. Then her parents came from overseas to stay for about 6 or 7 months. I got to know them of course and though, ok, I’ll be accepting, as long as they’re respectful of the fact that, that’s my son, do things a bit more my way; her parents gave herover to their parents to look after until she was 5, that wasn’t happening with my son. But meanwhile I began to see how her mother was, saw how domineering and dominating she was to the point of belittling her father. Now I see that she’s the same. But mycurrent partner is not only verbally abusive of me and the kids, she’s physically violent too. She’s scratched me until I’ve been bleeding as I sat at the table, she’s hit me with a stool as I’ve held my son, she’s thrown things at me, she threw my favourite coffee cup and broke it, on my ankle, thank you, it did hurt like fk. She’s accused me of everything, denies any affection, ridicules the suggestion of intimacy or affection. It’s got to the point I’ve just had to shut out the adult affection aspect of my life down. But if I leave, I lose the kids, have to go to more expense than I can oafford to resettle, have to confuse my life with fighting for child custody, meanwhile fk knows how much abuse they’ll receive, they’re 2 and 4; meanwhile I’m trying to maintain a relationship withmy eldest son with another abusive ex partner who manipulated the system against me. I put upwith a very physically violent and verbally abusive childhood and how abusers manipulate is very insidious. They behave abhorrently when no one else is around because they know someone will side against them, but when you’re alone with them, that’s when it gets scary, on the ride home. Aaron doesn’t really seem to have suffered extensive abuse by the look of a lot of his comments here, “oh, she didn’t like the way I made coffee. She wouldn’t give me a kiss when I got home.” It seems his calibre of abuse amounts to such complaints. After abuse you get verty distrustful of anyone when you’re just alone in a room with them, no matter who it is; even a job interview. But the worst thing is not necessarily when people are dismissive of abuse, but when they claim they’ve been abused but haven’t really. That not only diminishes the cases of genuinely abused people, but in the eyes of outsiders who are trying to discern the legitimate abuse survivors and the poser’s,it totally obscures who is genuine and who is not. Aaron’s view of relationships wouldn’t be so carefree, he wouldn’t even contemplate a future relationship if he was really abused. Why would you? It’s just a future catastrophe you’re setting yourself up for. He talks about future relationships too readily to really indicate he’s an abuse survivor.

    3. I’m so sorry that she treated you in those ways. You deserve a healthy relationship where you are never torn down and there is always respect even in the midst of conflict. There are providers who serve all survivors of domestic violence no matter their gender, and a couple national resources that may be useful to connecting you to them are loveisrespect & NDVH. Please, take care. Praying for you.

  46. A home should be a sanctuary – not a war zone. Feminism has ruined any chances for a harmonious domestic life in the first world, this is by design.There’s also a 70%+ chance she will initiate the divorce. Then she can accuse you of the most horrendous acts with impunity as the legal system will fall over itself to grant her alimony, custody, child support, your future earnings and your pension. It’s not going to get any better in the near future so don’t get married (or co-habitate) in the first place.

    1. So much of what you are saying is true.But treating males and females with respect is the moral and ethical thing to do. Our answer which personal i wish i could do is standing up for our individual freedoms.

      1. oh aren’t you just nice and cozy in your simplistic little boy world. This is about when women have been disrespectful already in the extreme. Your ignorance isn’t helpful and it’soffensive

    2. I agree. It is a different type of Feminism that causes the harm though. A real feminist stands for equal rights and does not hate on men.

      1. I find the difference is observable along generational lines, I have found women in their 50s onward are more for equality whereas the younger SJW types (think Big Red) are full of seething man-hatred, boxed wine and excessive body fat.

    3. maybe there should be some kind of pre-nuptual, or pre-relationship legal cavet in place that clearly states that if she proves to be abusive and you have kids, she must leave the family home. It’s far more difficult to escape into the night as a guy when you’re in an abusive relationship, let alone when there’s young kids involved.

      1. I agree with the concept but in Canada at least, the family and divorce court legal systems are so infiltrated with man-hating feminists, manginas and corrupt politicians it would be a near-impossible task as our system thrives on demonizing men and sanctifying women in general. The ongoing marriage strike is the only way that we are going to force the issue by refusing to participate in the first place. By starving the beast and going MGTOW (the beast being the Divorce Industry, Family Court industry etc.) there hopefully will be an eventual collapse of these monopolies due to a lack of willing male victims.

        The Canadian government is already trying to bring in alternative revenue by considering a bachelor tax and also massive immigration from countries where traditional marriage is still prevalent to increase their tax base.

        I plan to permanently leave Canada soon and at that point I will not be subject to the taxation that supports this system.

        1. It’s the same in the states too. I have firsthand experience. As for my second wife, we have 3 kids together and im beginning to feel as though this is an emotionally abusive relationship. Unfortunately, we have the kids, and so far I’ve been told that if I leave, she’ll take all my money, she mocks me or laughs at me when I try to tell her how I feel, she continually tells me I’m the cause of all of her misery because of a rocky patch we had early on in our relationship, and nothing I ever do is good enough.

        2. Have you done research to find where you may go without such a system? I’d be interested to know if you found such a place.

          1. Dominican Republic is one example, they don’t recognize common-law marriage and are very traditional in their cultural outlook.

    4. My friend’s wife abuses him because she is a bad person with serious mental issues, not because some people believe in gender equality.

      1. She likely also abuses him because she can do it with impunity as the police and the courts are far less likely to charge and prosecute her. Reverse the genders and the mere suggestion of abuse from her to the cops without any evidence is a guaranteed 30 days in jail for him. Your friend should leave this person.

    5. No, feminism, or capitalism, or whatever ism isn’t the problem. Perhaps feminism did start a trend of victimization of women, but that’s not what’s making anyone be abusers. But before that a man being hit by a woman would be embarrassing for the male anyway, so it would be as likely for them to get help as it is now. As someone else said, mental illness and possibly an early case of abuse make people be abusers. Blaming things on feminism of whatever won’t solve anything, and the day things are that simple will be a very happy day on earth.

      1. It absolutely wad the rise of neo feminism that caused this massive wave of disrespectful abusive women. We arent talking the susan b anthony right to vote feminism, we are talking man hating mysandrist feminism that only sprouted up in the last few decades.

  47. Well no, I wouldn’t just go ask around. There’s a lot of abusers who play victim the moment the victim fights back. It’s better to learn wtf abuse is and learn to identify it for what it is. From Websters dictionary to thick amounts of googles information, you’ll get a wealth of stories and symptoms, but not too much information about the deeper rooted issues of entitlement and control.

    If you were to ignore all the signs… it boils down to simple control and power over the victim. The devaluing process weakens the victims spirit making them not only easy to control, but also maluable to take on all responsibility to the problems in the relationship (when its really not the victims problem).

    But there’s one thing I really want to bring focus to; it’s not easy to control high self value, and it’s not easy to control someone when you don’t have advantages to coerce another. Be it physical advantage (when you see physical abuse/domestic violence), ecomonic advantage (when you see isolation and threats of homelessness), emotional advantage (when you see a lack of remorse/empathy, devaluing/name calling, and more), or any advantage one can use to blackmail/coerce/control.

    Side note: I suggest anyone reading this to look up “covert abuse”. The manipulation within abuse can run deep. There’s so much I could share with you all, but I simply don’t have the time.

    Always remember, self value and independence is your strongest weapon against abuse! And equality is the only way to end abuse. Treat your partner as if their feelings, thoughts, and needs are equal to your own and let go of rigid gender expectations.


    1. “Always remember, self value and independence is your strongest weapon against abuse! ” – it’s far too late when you’re already in the relationship and young kids are involved. Your comment is useful up until then

      1. I agree it is much more complicated with kids involved. I would note, however that the abuse you put up with in front of them models that behavior to them as acceptable and it is not.

  48. I know a guy in this kind of situation. It bothers me because there is nothing I can do. HOW can I get him to realize it and get help? It’s complicated because they are married and have a kid.

    1. When men do it to women it can be reported and investigated occasionally. Hotline and see what happens.

      1. key word, OCCASIONALLY. You know men get the blame,women almost always get the benefit of the doubt, and we lose our kids and they’re forced to live exclusively with a psycho. Don’t be niave and duplicitous please.

    2. there’s nothing youcan and there’s precious little he can do. I’m in the same situation; random outbursts of shrieking, emotional and intimacy deprivation, having to intervene when she is screaming at my sons, watching my sons go through absolute confusion, fear and despair. As a guy you know you’ll lose your kids, that’s just the reality of it, and you’ll always worry about how they’re being treated. You might get to see them for for 8 hours a month on a weekend. I’m forever on egg shells, I avoid her like the plague. I’ve even been afraid while I sleep that she’llshove a knife in my throat; I lock the bedroom door on those occasions. She’s hit me with stools,thrown things at me, broke a coffee cup on my ankle, yes it fkn hurt thank you, she’s hit me while I’ve been holding the kids, scratched me drawing blood. Not to mention how she is verbally abusive. Just three days ago everything seemed nice, I felt relaxed with her even there in the roombecause she had been calm for a while, then she just starts escalating the conversation raising trigger points for herself which were clear signs she wanted an argument. Sometimes when I caution her strongly enough she’ll back down, but the next morning she just starts bullying the kids and blames me for it. Something eventually has to give, for your friend, I don’t know what that will be. But no, there’s not much anyone can do because as soon as domestic issues are brought to the attention of the authorities, it must be the man’s fault and we kinow it, so we don’t bring it up.

      1. I am saying this with all sincerity. Please get out and take the boys with you. Put up Nanny cams if possible to catch her. If she is yelling at you or the boys Nanny cams will catch it all. The police will see that and arrest her. It is child abuse. If you don’t feel you can do it for you, do it for them. Check state laws to see if you can videotape her without her consent.

        1. My first thought was to record it. Absolutely. Especially if she is abusive to the children. Then take it to a divorce lawyer FIRST.

          My second thought: call an anger management clinic, talk to a therapist about the situation and ask him to recommend a good therapist for you and your kids while you’re going through this. These people have seen and heard it all, and they can and will help you if you are ready to get help.

        2. Yes – record and/or document everything!
          These high-functioning Cluster B’s are highly manipulative and can put no a good front in public. You need evidence to use against her.
          Please start taking steps to get out of this situation for you kids.
          I know as a man it’s rare to get custody. What state are you in?

  49. Those of you who have been in abusive relationships did you go back ever to try and make it work? Did you have to cut yourself off from family and friends to make her happy? If an old friend/ex-lover reached out to ask you if you were okay, what would you have done? Would you have been rude, mean, dismissive?

    1. If you go back you deserve everything you get. Let me see if i get burned if i stick my hand in the fire this time. . .

  50. Dear Mark,
    Thank you so much for this article!! I can
    only hope my Ex reads this and sees what he is into. And gets out.
    My ex-boyfriend, the father of my daughter is
    in an abusive relationship just like you described. My daughter and I flew to
    Hawaii 2 weeks ago, for him to meet my daughter (2.5years old) for the VERY
    first time.
    He and I, had no drama. His girlfriend kept texting, calling, during
    the first 2 hours. He had to leave and go pick-up his gf and take her to dinner
    where she got drunk and accused him of cheating on her with me and screamed at
    him. It just went downhill from there. He and his GF were on the same island as
    us for 56 hours, and he only saw his daughter for 8 hours total.
    He sent me this email apologizing for
    everything that it was all his fault, because he broke his GF’s heart by not
    including her. But he was with her the entire time. We were the ones left
    bewildered and heartbroken. I flew 2000 miles for my daughter and her father to
    meet. Not to have to deal with the whims of an emotionally abusive She-it.

    I am sending him this article, but I doubt it
    will work. She has her claws into him good. He has her painted as the victim
    instead of his daughter

  51. I really don’t know why people get married anymore. The downside risk is so much more than the upside.

    1. Because not everyone is an abuser. There are wonderful men and women out there. The key is, both partners need to be willing to sacrifice for the other. I am so very glad I found a wonderful man.

      1. My first wife was a gem. I knew her since we were 9 years old, got married in college, but lost her 2 years later to cancer.

        My second wife was nice, but a closeted alcoholic. She hid it for the first few years we were married. Then the verbal and emotional abuse started, specifically when she was drunk. As time when on she was drunk far more often than she was sober. It never became physical abuse, but there was no intimacy either.

        She finally realized she couldn’t go on like that, checked into rehab, got herself clean and sober, and our relationship got better. However, she realized that we really couldn’t be together anymore because, quite frankly, she had used me as her crutch because she believed I wouldn’t abandon her. We talked it out and decided to go our separate ways. Our son was already out on his own so that wasn’t an issue. (Frankly, he was relieved that we decided to split up as he knew what I’d gone through as he’s witnessed what she’d done to me, and of course, to him as he was growing up.)

        Both of us went to counseling during her rehab and I came to realize that she’d been far more abusive than I’d thought. She mocked me, disparaged much of what I loved to do (not that it stopped me from enjoying them), complain that I should be making a lot more money (for her to spend) and would randomly start arguments over things that were trivial.

        The thing that got me was that it took place so gradually that at first I didn’t notice it. It wasn’t until one particularly bad episode I realized what was going on and I told here I wasn’t going to put up with it anymore. It was shortly after that that she checked into rehab.

        This has certainly made me more cognizant of this type of abuse, and I’ve seen too many acquaintances going through similar experiences. I’ve told more than a couple of them to get the heck out of the relationship and to run, not walk, as far away as they could get from their abuser. No one should have to put up with that kind of crap.

  52. News flash: people of all genders and races posess the capacity for horrible behavior. Putting a gender label on the behavior isn’t helping. Imagine if this entire article was just intended to educate potential victims of any gender. Otherwise, it’s just fuel on a fire.

    1. Here’s a news flash for you: this article has been out for about two years. Every time I come back to it, I think about how lucky I am to be rid of my emotionally abusive ex-wife. So, I think it is helping, and neither I nor most other readers care a bit about your opinion.

    2. The article raises the issue of abuse towards men. “News flash”, not enough is said and advertised on help for men in these situations. Women have so much out there, men have next to nothing in comparison. Rather than silencing this article (although not referenced which I’m not delighted about), you could share it as an act of awareness to the other side of the story. 4in9 cases of domestic abuse have male victims, AMEN are the only support, no refuges, no 24/7 support, and no social support. Awareness than silencing

      1. I have never had a female friend come to me because her husband or boyfriend was abusing her (except for guys that cheat, and then my answer is always the same), but I have been the “sister” for at least a dozen male friends being physically or emotionally abused by a woman. Women have a peculiar advantage here: we can beat the tar out of a guy and (because he wants to be a man) he will generally not retaliate. When an abusive woman finally gets a violent reaction from the man, she instantly becomes the victim in society’s eyes. This emasculates men and infantilizes women. And many women are just fine abusing this situation – some have told me it’s fair because of the “patriarchy.”

        The whole thing sometimes makes me ashamed to be a woman.

        1. I agree! The way I see my female friends treating their husbands and boyfriends is appalling. I fear for my sons to grow up and enter the dating scene. Women can be downright manipulative and awful!

    3. The article does not need to be balanced by equal time, Shana. The article is part of the equal time.

      Hint: Men are people too.

    4. Sure, but this article is specifically addressing abuse toward men and that not enough is said about it. Nobody is debating that men can be abusive. That fact doesnt mean that we shouldnt talk about men being abused.

    5. you miss the point of the article completely; refusing to admit women are as bad is part of the problem.

      the present culture lies to us and tells us only men are bad, and you want us to avoid saying women are just as bad.

  53. I just don’t know what to do. I used to understand things so clearly and know the path to be taken but i can’t even think correctly anymore. I can’t go one single day without hearing how bad I am and how good she is. The only thing that keeps me held together is my children and being there for them every moment. It hurts to be stuck in this situation without an outcome that does not hurt my children or myself.

    1. I understand.

      This isn’t about you or her. Your kids need you. Let them ground you.

      But there are those of us out here who know and understand. Know that you have treasures beyond price. Focus on what matters.

      1. Thank you Grey Paw. I try to push forward focusing on the treasures of my life, Children, God and just being able to live. It just gets so hard when the attitudes and yelling start because they don’t end for days and sometimes weeks. The only time they calm starts right away is when I agree with her and accept what she says even when my heart and soul tell me other wise. I feel all alone. No family near and no support. I tried to have a friend but she didn’t like him and it was just easier to let him go then worry about losing my children over her not liking my friend.

    2. Have you tried relationship counselling?

      Often with narcissists (if that’s what is presumed, though I wouldn’t know without more info), they have a hard outer shell and soft inner core, they can be vulnerable when reality is put at them, but I’d highly recommend you either try relationship or one-to-one counselling.

      1. I have and I am still trying to get her to go to counseling with me. She refuses to go. She was arrested late 2015 for domestic abuse and was forced to go to anger management. To this very day she put me down about that night and blames me for sender her to jail. I can’t send anybody to jail. I do not have any authority to do so. I had such hopes of working out our relationship for us and our children. Today was another particularly horrible day and last night was another night of fighting. I have to listen, and I do, but I have learned that I can’t respond. I have valid points too. I always hear from her “I hurt you but it was nothing bad but you have hurt me and that is inexcusable!”. I love her but it hurts so much to try and work through any problem with her. I accept my errors and change behaviors but I can’t get any empathy from her for what she does to me or my son or how she makes me feel. If I sit down to talk she just throws the “you’re acting like a victim” response at me every time but if I react to her moods or anger she gets worse and yells more, makes threats of leaving with the children and tells me how i make her feel bad. Then there is the threats of “If you don’t like it just leave” or “If you don’t stop i’m leaving with the children” and the ever most popular is “I want to separate because and the children are going to live with me.” I was raised to value love and family. I pray to God to keep me sane and to not lose hope but I’m am so down now that it’s so difficult to go to work and look people in the eyes. I don’t know what to do other than walk away and suffer the loss of my family and drudge on with the pain. I feel used and emotionally scared and I fear every time the phone rings and see it’s her calling or hear her walk into the room. Please pray for me and our children.

        1. Hello, Thank you for posting. I’m in your situation. Wife was arrested 3 times for domestic violence and got off each time. Now, she blames me for sending her to jail when it was the neighbors who called the police. She’s currently in anger management but continues to blame me for all her troubles. All I want is peace and safety for me and our children. I don’t know what to do. I need to find a way to make her stop harassing me through the phone, text, email and people who are involved with our kids lives. I blocked her contact but she sends threatening messages to me through my mother. Now, my mom is blaming me for whatever happens because I avoid speaking to her. I can’t take anymore of this controlling and abuse behavior. It’s like I’m being punished for trying to protect myself from her continued abuse. Someone please help!

          1. I have been listening and reading the bible for guidance and I have found a passage that gave me some peace and I hope will do the same for you. With love:

            Hebrews 13:1-7

            Keep on loving one another as brothers and sisters. 2 Do not forget to show hospitality to strangers, for by so doing some people have shown hospitality to angels without knowing it. 3 Continue to remember those in prison as if you were together with them in prison, and those who are mistreated as if you yourselves were suffering.

            4 Marriage should be honored by all, and the marriage bed kept pure, for God will judge the adulterer and all the sexually immoral. 5 Keep your lives free from the love of money and be content with what you have, because God has said,

            “Never will I leave you;
            never will I forsake you.”[a]
            6 So we say with confidence,

            “The Lord is my helper; I will not be afraid.
            What can mere mortals do to me?”[b]
            7 Remember your leaders, who spoke the word of God to you. Consider the outcome of their way of life and imitate their faith. 8 Jesus Christ is the same yesterday and today and forever.

            I think God is pulling us to him through our pain and tears.

          2. This was helpful for me:
            Deuteronomy 24:1-22
            – When a man hath taken a wife, and married her, and it come to pass
            that she find no favour in his eyes, because he hath found some
            uncleanness in her: then let him write her a bill of divorcement, and
            give [it] in her hand, and send her out of his house.

            There’s a few more about adultery. I’d suggest hiring a PI to see if she’s cheating.

          3. Leave, divorce, do whatever it takes; it is the best decision you can make for yourself and your kids. These people do not change, anger management, therapy..are just other hideway for them to play the victim whereas they are the one making other suffer. You can go to the police and ask for a protection order. You show the text she sent you to the judge and she keeps on doing it; she wil go to jail.I have been married to somebody with a personality disorder and tried to make it works just broke me. By the way, it is not your mom’s business; it is your life and your kid’s life. You don’t have to talk to somebody who wants to hurt you.Take care.

        2. Keep a record of everything. You can even get a tumb-drive sized recorder and record conversations.
          Build a case for her being abusive, irrational, and dangerous. Most divorces (i’ve heard 90%) are initiated by women. Once you start slipping out of her control she’s likely to strike.
          I understand your aversion to divorce, but you weren’t married under God anyway, you were married under The State.
          You need to build a case and file for divorce before she does. Highly functional Cluster B personality types are impossible to deal with. Running away is the only option.

      2. A narcisist cannot go to counseling where s/he might face s/he is not “perfect.”

        By definition, a person would either be able to recognize that, and hence not need couples counseling; or is a psychotic narcisist, this would deny and be unable to comprehend s/he is imperfect, and thus would be unable to participate where there might be shown true that s/he is not perfect. Deflection would take many forms, from waste of time or money, to “collussion” between the other spouse and the therapist, to just not “worth it” or “not needed,” but it would be there.

        BTW, I just thought of something strange. I do not deny nor even imply that there are no male abusers of females, but it just popped into my mind that “the female is the deadlier of the species.”

  54. I used to look down on people who got divorced and cheated until I got married. That says it all.

    1. Maybe you should look into the family laws in your state that you didn’t know you were signing up for. If you do a search on “truth about marriage license” you’re likely to find out what you were presumed to have done.

    2. Joejoe222 Same here. But, our life is about choices. Don’t choose to stay with a dysfunctional woman. The outcome is not going to change.

  55. When I see a female hitting her man, I call her on it. Just saying, “Hey, that’s relationship abuse!” or “There’s no excuse for abuse,” is enough to get her to quit, at least while I’m still in sight. Yes, I say it in public too. If in public, I don’t say anything more unless spoken to.

    Often the female answers with excuses, “Oh I can’t hurt him, I love him,” or some such nonsense. (If she’ll beat on him in public, who knows what weapon she’ll grab when she’s alone with him.) Sometimes her man will agree with her. Then I simply point out that she’s not smart to train her larger and stronger man that hitting and smacking around is “ok” or even a sign of “love”. She’ll be in big trouble if her lessons take hold and he treats her the same way.

  56. My son married one of those women. She has done those exact things to him. He left about two weeks ago he couldn’t take it anymore. I even have been the brunt of her abuse. She accuses me of not raising my children right (she is 27, I am 56). She accuses me of spoiling my children then on a good day, she says I am a good mother. She accuses my son of not making enough money then tells him he needs to work harder ( he is in school full time and works full time yet not enough) and that its his turn to suffer). While he was out of the house, her parents called him. her father talked him into going back – if there is any part of her you love, you have to go back and make this work – against my better judgment. I did not call her nor did I tell him what to do, that needed to be his decision. now he went back, she swears she won’t do it again, she is in counseling but yet she cuts me down and says I am not impartial like her parents and now my son has gone back in denial and thinks she walks on water and won’t speak to me.

  57. I need to talk to someone asap…all of the stuff…from bulling down on that list…she has abused me and is trying to blame me

    1. Please read my post. im 44. And been with the same woman since 1995. If my experience and wasted time can help just 1 guy. Id be happy. Abused males are mocked and not taking seriously. I hope u get something outta my post. its 100% true.

    2. Hi Michael. I’m Aaron. I don’t know what is happening with you but I’m coping with emotional abuse right now as well.
      I’m replying to you because I need to talk too. My relationship has been over for about 4 months but I’m still feeling the effects of the abuse today. If you would like to talk, I’m here to listen.

      Take care.

      1. I think that severe abuse like that may leave the victim with PTSD. It may be years before a person gets a handle on PTSD.

        PTSD is not limited to soldiers. It is not a “military only disorder.”

        Post Traumatic Syndrome Disorder affects many and can affect anyone; even men “merely” subjected to marital abuse.

    3. Hey, Michael. What exactly is happening? Is she trying to sue you or blame you for her abuse? If you need to talk about it I can give you my email or something like that.

      1. I am just very affraid of her and what she may do next to me or my son, or even perhaps herself to blame me or him. She manufactured “evidence” by taking pictures of her self-inflicted bruises, claiming that it was me who hurt her; she would also start screaming “Help, help, he is hurting me! come save Mom!,” when our son was in another part of the house, even screaming it out the windows during summer evenings. No, I did not touch her, I was just trying to talk to her away from our son about the irresponsible spending of her. No, the bruises were not even from rough “relations,” it was about 4-5 years by that time since even last hug I received or been allowed to give (it has now been about 16 years since last hug or embrace that I was allowed to give or receive.). The bruises she managed to do to herself, though how does one bruise oneself on the arm, I think, escapes me.
        Couple days ago, when I told her I would be just leavung,

    4. Abusers always tell the victim its their fault. Its the one thing ive noticed that they all have in common.

    5. Not only do they try to blame you to try to make you believe it. Nice acid test for that one is Soul search and if you come up with innocence. Then recommend that you both see a counselor, if she refuses you got your answer. There’s only one culture that I can think of where refusing to talk to a counselor might need some extra explaining. If you marry a Chinese wife due to the cultural Revolution some of the older ones are afraid of anything being documented and used against them unfairly. But if she was born the West there is no excuse for rejecting a counselor in my opinion short of her being afraid of what will come out. Best wishes in finding your happiness.

  58. Its strange that i made this search and found only one paragraph pertaining to the subject. All others were men abusing women. Ive been a victim to this for almost 20 years and it has recently become more profound. Every symptom stated hits the nail. The bullying. the emotional blackmail. threats of calling the police or a psych ward everytime i become loud and vocal to defend myself. turning my own son against me. recording my outbursts without my knowledge…im leaving her tho. men and women have informed me of the game she is playing. She claims i ruined her life. And she will make me pay for it until the death of one of us. When all i did was stick by her and my son. Apparently its a thing or a grudge some women pull. Where they blame a man for their life not being what they wanted it to be. I hope maybe some other men see this and wake up. If ur going thru it. yknow exactly wat im talking about. Leave her and move on. Dont waste all the time that i did. Be strong brothers and find a good woman. they are out there. trust.

    1. Your last phrase makes it seem as if you are staying positive, and I hope you are. Hang in there. As someone who has undergone some kind of abusive situation as well, I can tell how tiring and harmful it can be. I tried suicide five years after said situation ended, so please remember that it is important now to get yourself together and take care of your mind and body before anything else. Take a step back to analyze how it has affected you. I wish I had done that, so, you know, just general advice. Stay strong.

    2. Well i have been engaged 4 times and never made it to the alter. Im starting to highly doubt they are out there. After 3 years, my current relationship is going down in flames.

      1. Maybe levity is not appropriate since this is a very serious topic, but I am so stressed and battle weary that here it goes:

        I think there are nice spouses out there.

        My friend and I did a rough estimate after too much coffee at a local coffee shop. We think there are about 1/100,000 happy mariages in USA. I think, therefore, there is likely to be 0.5 × (1/100,000)^2 probability to meet “nice” marriageable persons in a large enough population (like the USA).

        I am not sure how this holds for smaller populations.

        It was a lot of coffee, so I may be off a few.

        As a corollary, that might mean that we, members of this forum, to maximize our chances of a happy marriage, should start an internal dating service, and just marry within this forum.

        Just saying. 😉

    3. And what a game they do play. My son is living with us for the past 2 months and his wife is as crazy as they come. He is a very Zen like person and has come from a home where life was level into a home with an insane woman who has made him become a frustrated and angry man. Just in the two months he has been here, we have seen a calm and happiness come to his face that is a blessing. But, she is playing games with the children and all of a sudden being nicey, nicey to them, she is up to something. The road ahead is going to be rough.

  59. I just left home four months ago after 15yrs of an abusive marriage. Its left my soul crushed something that took me too long to accept.hardest bit it separation from my two sons 2 and 5yrs.after doing some research and lots of soul searching(if I had any left),I decided to call it quits,moved out with only my clothing and documents.I’d gotten to the point of not valuing anything in life.not even myself or sister.I’ve considered catering for my sons from a safe distance a better idea. Im not sure to what extent i can limit contact with her considering the boys.im Considering divorce since she still uses the boys as vindictive tools.she still threatens,turns vulgar as usual every now and then.i had to engage a lawyer when she threatened to denie me access to the kids on some flimsy argument she’d created.one of the valuable lessons ive accepted over time is you cant reason with an emotional abuser.i tried severally and failed.the west is still trying to get a good grip around emotional abuse of men.here in Africa it taboo for most victims to even accept they’re experiencing it.the court process isn’t much better..pls pray for me guys.its hard but I believe in the Almighty seeing through each of our souls and charting our destiny.

    1. Eric, hold on brother. You have a chance to recreate your life. Take this great opportunity to change yourself in whatever way you see fit. I have a friend trying to survive after his abusive wife finally asked for a divorce. She was cruel to him. HUMANS can be cruel and abusive, not just men or women, all people. And it is time men came “out of the closet” about their abuse. The only way society will change those preconceived ideas about men and abuse, is for the abused men to step forward, and like female rape victims, find comfort in unity with your brothers. Many blessings for you and your sons. You’re going to be just fine 🙂

    2. It’s hard to gain the courage to leave the relationship when you are abused. Leaving without harboring hatred or bitterness is even harder when you realize how stripped of your dignity and self-worth you feel. Kudos to you for escaping. What I am having a little trouble understanding is the children. They need you. They depend on you. Take them and get them healed, please. If you don’t, she will turn this abuse on them and they are powerless to stop her. Please, get some help and rescue them.

      1. Theres nothing he can do. Im speaking from experience. He is completely at her mercy, unfortunately and he will slowly go insane like i am. If he doesnt get away from them, including his kids for at least a little while, he will likely try to kill himself like i did. Having your children dangled in front of you is bad for you and them. She will keep them just barely out of reach and i guarantee it will torture him so badly that he will think of suicide 24/7. The best thing he could do is get completely away for a while. Call and check up on them but take the space he needs to heal his mind enough to be a good dad again. Again…i speak from experience.

        1. I am sorry you went thru that. I have been abused too so I understand that. I was also a kid left in an unsafe situation. I wish someone would have rescued me.

      2. My son is living with us for the past 2 months. After a show from the police (and they were witness to her rants and were on my son’s side), he finally got the courage to leave after years of her insanity and screaming and blaming, all of which the children have witnessed through the years (the younger son is full of anger for years because of her screaming and berating). It is wonderful that he finally got the courage BUT, she is a habitual liar and an academy award winner, everything is all about her, so, it is very hard to get someone to actually see what she is and get the children from her. She is also a narcisitic mother.

        1. I empathize, having been abused myself. I wouldn’t want anyone to stay. She will trip up eventually. Those poor kids. They need the sane one desperately. :'(

        2. My dear God, there are other people in my situation! How about sharing practical advice on how can a man get out WITH his children? Successful lawyers, support groups, people willing to share positive *and* negative experiences, etc. Feminism succeeded because feminists shared information and ideas. Gays and lesbians (apologies if it is not PC, no slight intended) are fighting for their human rights. How about an Equal Gender Rights for All movement?

      3. Problem is that in my country at least (the UK), the system is heavily weighed in favour of women: men are hardly ever given custody, except when the mother is physically violent, deemed an unfit parent, abandons the family, or willingly terminates her parental rights.

        Emotional abuse is hard to spot, especially for outsiders, and some women are very good at manipulating kids and poisoning their minds against fathers.

        I had a schoolfriend whose parents were divorced when the mother was pregnant with a 3rd child.
        She never told her ex about the pregnancy, and for years he was unaware of the existence of his third child. Needless to say he never saw him, and the kid was totally indifferent to his dad.

    3. I’m not sure about the African laws but in America I know women who tried to use the kids to still control the ex. and it’s illegal for example here if the man doesn’t pay child support a lot of times the woman will try to say he can’t see the kids. At least in the courts eyes those are two different things. Just like in my opinion paying child support versus how much you pay are two different things, But that the home of the topic. I’m not suggesting you are paying is just the clearest example I can think of with the US laws. Best wishes on seeing your children.

    4. I’m with you on this bud. I’m going thru something similar. If not for a daughter I would have nothing to do with her but I’m trapped. The idiots on this site who say “grow a pair” are those that perpetuate abuse likely in their own lives – or are clueless fools.

  60. “emotional abuse doesn’t have much to do with politics”
    Mark Judge, I believe you’re missing the Forrest for the Trees, not to mention the fact that this statement contradicts many previously made points in your article.
    Politics, i.e. far left wing Political Correctness, is the reason abuse of men by women is not even discussed and far left wing radical feminist are behind the repressive political atmosphere that makes that so.
    Systemic bigotry of any, and all, kinds must be addressed and dealt with if we are to have a society that is truly equitable for all.
    This current “political atmosphere” of “misandry” has produced laws that are no less gender biased that any misogynist laws of the past.
    I am 57 years old and all my life hard line feminist have described men as pigs or some variation thereof and encouraged other women to see us in this same bigoted, sexist light.
    It’s past time for men to stand up to the misandry, the gender based, hate filled bigotry of far left radical feminism and expose those who actively promote its intolerance and hatred of men for the sexist they are!

    1. It’s also called psychopathic personality disorder. “The Mask of Sanity” a medical treatise ID’s it perfectly.

  61. Ok so I don’t never really talk about my life to people I keep it bottled up I do speak my mind on some stuff but other stuff I do not so her I go I was married for 13 years and we have divorced so I worked in construction for a long time I had made all kinds of friends and people who I knew from working in that field I moved from the state I lived in to the state she lived in I love this state but in the beginning of our relationship we got along great I worked and I did the stuff that needed to be done on my part like mow the lawn fix the cars fix stuff in the house she did the house cleaning and taking care of the kids we did live with her family for a bit her sister at the time was 14 and had shoved me 1 time so as I had done before when she was hitting her mother I had restrained her due to the fact her mother was small and no her dad was not home he was out of town like always so when she hit me her dad was there and I told her if she hit me again I would restrain her and her dad says I’ll whip you butt so it was on from the after she hit me the second time she got away with it so we got our own place and it all went good for a bit and then her mom and her dad was getting a divorce and her brother comitted suicide so we had the funeral and all my now ex wife wouldn’t clean the house wouldn’t take care of the kids I had to work and did the best I could after a bit she began to yell at me on a daily basis and then she would hit me from time to time and then I discovered that she was going around bashing me to everyone but I let it all go well we will fast forward some I went to be a truck driver like most of my family has done to make a good living so she was at home to take care of the kids and make sure the bills was paid on time ok so bills never got paid on time I was always told I wasn’t making enough money to keep them paid well bills was 1200 a month for everything and I made upto 4k a month we had to move in with family a bunch of times and everytime I saved up some money to go on vacation or to buy something we all wanted it disappeared so I gave up on saving well fast forward some more Iafter the divorce I had my own place and I had to file bankruptcy along with divorce ok so I had a nice truck it’s gone I had a piece of land it had to be sold to pay lawyers and buy stuff to set up a home for me and my kids well my kids have started hitting us and beating on each other I have done everything I can do to get them to stop nothing works but she all the time hits them on their hands with the belt or she tells them she is going to punch them in the mouth or she punches them but leaves no bruses so there is no way to prove it due to the kids are in fear of being taken away because she tells them all the time if theyou tell anyone they will get taken away so that said I have tried to explain it to the cops but they never listen to what I have to say everyone of my family members have been turned against me I can’t have any friends that are girls but yet she can have guys as friends and she is aloud to go see her family that never comes to see her and she calls them all the time and bashes me she has also done it in front of the kids and my kids ar in counseling and have been for along time and it has done no good my kids are on what they call a fins petition for their behavior and acting out and they have failed to do what they say they will do if my kids don’t act right and her lately I went to go back to trucking with my son so she text me 2 or 3 times to call the fins officer well I need up having to come back home they all have asked why I have a issue with my son staying with her well they have no clue and she talks to them in secret and I get shunned so I know what is going on she gets up in the middle of the night and checks my phone I get shunned for being a stay at home dad like we agreed but she doesn’t play with the kids I have been playing with them I always get told what I need to change and that I’m worthless and on another note she has asked me if we stay together if she can sleep with other people if they are clean I said no she said it’s not cheating if we agree on it well that didn’t go her way and she tells me one min she wants to work on us and then she says she don’t want to be together I try to talk to her about stuff I end up being the only one talking so I have got to a point of I don’t know what to do anymore and I overdosed but no one will listen to anything I have to say so I am going to go see a therapist this week I used to not be this type of person and I don’t like what I am battlin with because of it and I do love her very much but am to the point I have no more ideas

    1. Are you trying to say that you are Alpha? your comment sounds to me like you are a passive chest beater.

  62. This is nonsense-I’m 58 years old and never met a gelded coward who was treated like that. Maybe because men my age would tell a woman like that to go piss up a rope and walk out.

    1. Estoy – pubes? How obtuse. You mean balls? That’s the point Einstein, it’s those of us with balls that put up with it to stay close to the children. Go pound sand, pls.

        1. In hindsight my wife was showing behaviors that should have warned me off her. However, youth, naivette, “my mother was a woman and so is my girlfriend so my girlfriend must be good” syndrome really blinded me. Besides, first 15-20 years felt good to me, last 15-20 years have been increasingly miserable. I think most people who find themselves in these situations suffered from the same blindness for the same or similar reasons. No one would marry nor procreate with a monster; the monster comes out later.

    2. Thanks for being part of the problem: when in much of the Western world masculinity, and especially any display of masculine strength or toughness is interpreted as ‘aggression’, when men are lampooned as foolish, incompetent or less intelligent in much of the media, its no shock to discover the prevalence of abuse of men.

      Men who were ‘man enough’ to respond to female abusers are likely to be labelled as abusers themselves, or lose custody of kids.

  63. Wow not just me no affection no love being blamed for her bad moods dont make ENOUGH and more i dont care to recount trying now to get out .not home when at home part of it is men are supposed to be strong ones so we stay cause Im not a quitter

  64. I’m just tired of it and get ready to leave but end up staying Because she will apologize hours afterwards. I Still have my own apartment (signed the lease before we got married) but left it to live with my wife.Ahe flips unannounced..then shouts at me like I’m a child. When I talk to her she only gets crazier and say things that make you want to leave . I believe her family has a history of this attiude

  65. The “massive infrastructure in academia, politics, and pop culture,” i.e., feminism, operates as though there are no women who have narcissistic personality disorder, borderline personality disorder, or other personality disorders (commonly referred to as “sociopaths” or “psychopaths”). This empowers those women to do the damage they do and makes men far more vulnerable to this abuse than women, for whom the chorus of “blaming the victim!!!” forecloses any inquiry into the relationship dynamics of physical abuse or false rape accusations.

    1. Yes I see this point, thanks. “Empowers” some abusive women to abuse. Spot on! Just want to add it also enables them to abuse their child(ren) in silence and without the physical scars; leaving invisible scars. Then the children develop as either doormats, take on the role of the abuser, or, like you say learn to suck it up (all learning its normal adult behaviour) It’s horrible!

      1. Yes. I’ve read that there’s research that indicates that people diagnosed with NPD often had at least one parent who apparently had NPD.

      2. Eliana, could you please read my post and may be offer suggestions? You sound like a reasonable person and you may have resources inaccessible to the “XY” ilk. The area in which I live is very politically “women can do no wrong in a relationship,” and I am scared to look for help.

  66. To any men out there suffering from abuse, read The Mask of Sanity. It really helps explain the diagnoses. It was a chilling read in that it explained her to a “T.”

  67. I think there are way more abusive women then there are abusive men. I have seen, surprisingly, more single parent father’s that were much more responsible and reasonable then the female counter part. ( I used to manage these people, the women for some reason are very good at hiding the truth.)

    Seemingly, I think they is due to, as others suggested the academia that feeds into this narrative that abusive women are seen as patriotic warriors against a non existing male dominance.

    For people to know. The women in my family are entrepreneurs and at times earn more then their male counter parts. Also I have had more male single parents raiding not just one or two children alone but 5 children with the help of the nanny, while the mother was a totally abusive to the family, mocking them and even bit her own children while refusing to feed the child.. She ran off with some type of “hippy” mentality loosers and ended up travelling around the world , and never did attempt to contact her kids.

    Men and women are equal. Any form of differentiation like these womanist groups are sexist and against equalisation of gender rights.

  68. I’m no expert, but I personally think there is a gender disparity. Whilst abuse by men is often physical, women are more likely to be emotional or pyschological abusers, manipulative or narcissistic. Perhaps its just harsh personal experience: I’m beginning to realize in that my mother displayed many of the attributes of an emotional abuser in her treatment of my dad, and sometimes other family members.

    Also, I think those people who say that abused men are cowards and weaklings are part of the problem: you can almost guarantee that if such men did stick up for themselves or (God forbid), fight back, they would be labelled as the abusers.
    Some women are not beyond using accusations of abuse as a way to ‘hit back’ or get one over on men: and some are not above using kids as weapons.

    1. I think we just don’t realise it when women physically abuse men, in tv shows you see a woman slapping a man all the time full in the face all the time, and nobody questions it or bats an eye. Clearly as a society we’re prejudiced

      1. Yes I agree. Apologies if I mentioned it before, but they once did a social experiment with a male and female actor in London, where they both pretended to yell at and hit each other. When the man did it to the woman, people came to her aid within one minute, but when she started doing it to him literally nobody intervened. A lot of people just walked past and ignored it, or laughed and posted in on Instagram.

        I also agree that in the media, its often treated as funny or an example of ‘girl power’ if a woman beats up on a man. What I find disturbing is when, even in fiction, they show women taking advantage of men who absolutely will not hit a woman to assault them, knowing they will not fight back, is if that were funny as well.

    2. I feel like you have been watching my relationship. My wife has emotionally abused me for 4 years. I kept thinking that if I was gentle enough, and showed love to her enough, that she’d finally realize that what she is doing is wrong.

      After our counselor finally convinced me to do something to put a stop to it, she started claiming that I was a violent individual, and has not come short of accusing me of being a homocidal maniac. Despite my 17 years of experience working with children and helping other families, the court goes along with it and has empowered the abuse. Men have a very good reason to be afraid when they are abused when the court empowers it. A sad state of affairs when our court system becomes the abuser as well.

      I found this article while looking for help, some resource that will help me fight back and protect my little boy. He’s not even 2 years old, and even after a custodial evaluation shows me not to be a threat (in fact, mildly on the ‘too passive’ side) nothing changes. I’m forced to go to her house to spend time with my son, where she continually abuses me and prevents me from being able to develop a healthy relationship with my son, or impart any sort of healthy values to him.

  69. I’ve had encounters with a few abusive women, and who complained of physical abuse by their ex’s. I finally went off at one once and directly told her what kind of witch she really was. She started with small biting comments she claimed were in jest. I could understand how a man could finally lose it, and their physical encounters could be attributed to the women. It takes two.

  70. I think what this author dismisses as misogyny (and isn’t that a convenient tool) is a fact. She argues that women don’t physically abuse, but maybe we’re just too prejudiced to notice the physical abuse against men. On tv shows women slap men when they’re angry at them for nothing at all, and nobody bats an eye as the man is just supposed to take it or be considered weak. Narcissistic feminism has encouraged this attitude. In the media and in life women get away with behaviour that a man would be held accountable for all in the disguise of empowerment. When you control language and words like misogyny and empowerment becomes weapons it’s no surprise that many women (being selfish humans like the rest of us) take advantage to abuse

    1. Will you change your opinion of the authors writing once you look at the byline and realize that it was a man who wrote it? There is obvious anger in what you write. Perhaps you were emotional abusive. I was married to a woman who could be incredibly emotionally abusive. However, these behaviors only came out when she was drinking heavily, which was a problem because she liked to drink everyday.

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