Women Who Emotionally Abuse Men

We’ve all seen it. And heard it. You’re in a restaurant. There’s a man there with his girlfriend. As people are eating and socializing, you can’t help but notice. When the man tries to speak, he is cut off by his girlfriend. She mocks him when he tells a story that might make him look good, and finishes his jokes for him. When the waiter brings the menus, she makes fun of his selection. While she complains about spending money on him all the time, you can’t help but notice that he is paying for all of her drinks. By the end of the night she is berating him outright, and as they exit the restaurant, the woman is in a full rage spiral, yelling about something unrelated to anything that has happened in the last three hours. No one says anything.

It’s called emotional abuse. It’s well-documented when men inflict it on female victims. Less well known is when women do it to men. While the emotional abuse of women is discussed on Oprah, in bestsellers, and everywhere in pop culture and in academia, there are virtually no resources for men who have been emotionally abused. Google searches turn up very few resources. Books on the subject are mostly broadsides that have not been properly researched and substitute academic rigor for attacks on feminism.

And yet every person I know—and I’m betting everyone reading these words—knows a man who has been victimized by emotional abuse. All you have to do is ask around. I did just that recently when I was researching the epidemic of men and suicide, and what I found was disturbing. One man, a friend from childhood, told a story that seemed like a kind of slow emotional torture.

When he met his future wife ten years ago, he was captivated by her beauty, but also by her wicked sense of humor and ability to intelligently cut others, mostly pop culture figures, down to size. They were like a team, and had a child together. After a couple years, something changed. Her wit was now more often than not turned on him, first as sarcastic jibes and then as outright abuse. She complained that he didn’t make enough money, and soon he felt like nothing he did was enough. She began to withhold affection, and her mood was so unpredictable that he felt like anything he said or did would be attacked. The sarcasm that once brought him a jolt of joy now cut him apart. More than once his wife called him in an incoherent rage about something he didn’t understand. Strangest of all, she began to lie about certain things yet seemed convinced she was telling the truth. Weeks after a weekend in Las Vegas—which he had paid for—she complained that she was “tired of paying for our vacations.” After the divorce, she insisted on having their daughter on the days when he wanted to take her to play basketball, her favorite sport.

My friend had married an emotionally abusive person, and someone who may have even had a serious personality disorder. The effect on him was devastating. He was depressed and felt confused, and even mentioned suicide. He felt anxious whenever she was around. He’s still dealing with it years after the divorce.

One of the few people who understood him was Dr. Tara J. Palmatier, the author of a forthcoming ebook Say Goodbye to Crazy: How to Rid Yourself of that Crazy Ex and Restore Sanity to Your Life. Dr. Palmatier runs a website, Shrink4Men.com. She’s one of the few people in the mental health field talking about the emotional abuse of men. In one post on her blog, Palmatier  itemized the ten behaviors characteristic of emotionally abusive women:

  • Bullying
  • Unreasonable expectations
  • Verbal attacks
  • Gaslighting (lying and then claiming he is crazy)
  • Unpredictable responses
  • Constant chaos
  • Emotional blackmail
  • Rejection
  • Withholding affection and sex
  • Isolating

The result?

You’re constantly on edge, walking on eggshells, and waiting for the other shoe to drop. This is a trauma response. You’re being traumatized by her behavior. Because you can’t predict her responses, you become hyper vigilant to any change in her mood or potential outburst, which leaves you in a perpetual state of anxiety and possibly fear. It’s a healthy sign to be afraid of this behavior. It’s scary. Don’t feel ashamed to admit it.

One of the difficulties with addressing the emotional abuse of men is that things today are so politically polarized it’s hard to have a calm discussion about it. Feminists have worked so hard over the last fifty years to turn men from ogres into enlightened companions that they feel any concession that women are also capable of abuse is a betrayal of the cause. There is a massive infrastructure in academia, politics, and pop culture that serves to support women who are abused by men. This is a good thing, as violence against women remains prevalent and a problem. Yet abuse experts have argued that emotional abuse can be worse than physical abuse. A punch to the face leaves obvious proof, evidence to use with the police to put the assailant behind bars. Emotional abuse, which men can tolerate and excuse away as normal, can go on for years, leaving a person weak, desperate, and profoundly suicidal. They have lost themselves.

On the other side of the political spectrum, conservatives tend to scream that feminism is to blame when the discussion of abusive women comes up. Every woman who gets off a funny line about men instantly becomes Medusa. This trivializes genuine emotional abuse, and often masks simple misogyny. (This, sadly, seems the case with Paul Elam, Dr. Palmatier’s co-author on Say Goodbye to Crazy. Palmatier is a brilliant analyst, but in video conversations with her, Elam comes across as angry and crude.)

Just as anecdotal evidence indicates that the emotional abuse of men is more widespread than the media reports, it also reveals that emotional abuse doesn’t have much to do with politics. The abused tend to become abusers, a terrible reality that has more to do with the soul and psyche than who’s running congress. Liberal and conservative women are caring and supportive partners. They can also—just like men—be pathological narcissists who torture their husbands and boyfriends.

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  • I once lived with a roommate who was a narcissist. She treated me poorly, she treated her boyfriend poorly, she accused me of everything under the sun, including abusing her animals, who were the only things keeping me sane throughout the entire ordeal (I understand animals more than people. It’s sad). When I saw that they’d gotten married, I said a quick prayer that their marriage not be as miserable as their dating life. They were one of the worst couples I’d ever seen, and honestly, I have no faith in their marriage. it’s a ticking time bomb.

    • gush

      No worry. Your life will be better if you are smarter.
      keep yourself in check and do the same with the others.

      • WasWellNowSmarter

        I like your words, gush.

    • MAtthew Bo

      Wait. Are you telling me there are women out there who aren’t narcissistic? I’m skeptical

      • WasWellNowSmarter


  • NoPasaran

    This is why I came to the conclusion that the only way I could maintain any respect for myself, and live with my moral conscience, is to not take women seriously, nor form any kind of serious pair bond.

    • Zorro

      Women are just female today. You are doing the right thing.

      • WasWellNowSmarter

        You must be young and unencumbered by reality.

  • LC

    I find it telling that the picture above is an example of a man being passive aggressive. Unless the woman has a diagnosable personality disorder, men, you have much more control over this reaction from your female partner than you think. For example, much of what has been considered “normal” communication for men is actually passive aggression/avoidance. Yes, the two (PA and aggression/”nagging”) can feed off of each other, but I’m telling you, usually you have the power to stop the cycle. A great, non-condemning article about PA can be found here: http://www.lifehack.org/articles/communication/12-ways-passive-aggressiveness-slowly-killing-relationships.html?dgs=1&fb_ref=Default
    Women want your strength and cooperation. Just like you want theirs.

    • Mastro63

      Sure- its all the man’s fault- do you actually hear yourself? I dated a woman who would argue madly about any little thing- I thought I was starting a lot of it- so for a while I watched everything I said- didn’t work. She would just start stuff.

      Some women just like the drama- and feel they can get away with it if they are hot- or if you are married.

    • Andy C

      How exactly do men control what women do? IS there a time when women become adults and accountable for what they do?

      • MAtthew Bo

        I have this theory that most people never grow up. I have been consciously aware of my desire for self-actualization since about age 10 and have been working on it. I don’t think I “grew up” until I was about 30!

    • Paul Johnson

      Uh, no. Men do not control women’s responses. Women control women’s responses.

      Owning your crap is a mark of strength and cooperation.

      • m a

        …and being an adult.

    • Bombay

      LOL. I recall rolling my eyes when my X would yell/lecture me. It was one of the few things that would make her stop. It was much more effective than engaging with her when she was mad/angry and letting me know it. What was really effective in getting her to stop was to keep my eyes up, open my mouth and move my head around. This stopped the attack and she would usually leave the room instead of escalating. In today’s world the last thing a man wants is to have an encounter with a female escalate.

      During the divorce on the witness stand she went on and on about me rolling my eyes. Those devil men rolling their eyes in an effort to abuse their wives/girl friends. Those male abusers just do not know how to listen, show respect and take it like a real man.

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  • Kathy Parsons

    I agree with Beks. I, too, had a roommate the same. When the lease was up, I was out of there. And I had a (former) friend who was a bully and a narcissist who believed hers was the only true path through life and was relentless until you went along. Dissension was not an option. The “friendship” did not last long. She was not passive in any way, and only aggressive and nagging. It is abusive and controlling, and as unacceptable from a woman as from a man. Unfortunately, there is too little social support for men calling women out on this bullying behavior, and too much stigma placed on men who do.

    • Dave Waters

      i agree, there is a stigma placed on men who call women out on this.

    • mgibson8262

      I don’t call them out…..I ignore them………withdraw my money from them……have absolutely as little as possible to do with them……..and when I do have to deal with them, I am not pleasant, just polite. .

  • Cincinnatus

    One of the problems with these behaviors is that they fall generally in line with what is viewed as typical behavior. It is easy to dismiss claims of emotional abuse as just being married, etc. The behavior is also often reigned in when other people are around. Friends and family easily believe you are just whining about nothing. It can be a really tough situation.

    • MAtthew Bo

      It is because most people are actually emotionally dysfunctional and a lot of people would have to admit they themselves are being abused. It all goes back to denial. This is what “making a marriage work” in American culture means.
      Denial is why my succubus of a wife destroys me emotionally and why she cannot change. Denial is why people keep believing in God and stay in dysfunctional marriages. Denial is why we keep believing that America is a free country and that we really did have a reason to go to war in Iraq. Denial is why we only have 2 political parties.
      American denial has marginalized me and rendered my life unfulfilling. I have a lot of potential I can’t use because everyone has their heads up their asses, making this country and it’s people a pale shadow of what they could be.
      Denial is why money is the only important thing in our culture and why it comes at the expense of everything else! You can buy a lot of denial when you are rich!

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  • Partridge

    “Feminists have worked so hard over the last fifty years to turn men from ogres into enlightened companions” Really? Are you joking, or have you at some point in your life been hoodwinked by feminist propaganda and indoctrination? The truth is that feminists have worked hard over the last fifty years to turn men from enlightened companions into ogres. Feminism, whilst claiming to be all about equality, is actually consumed by hatred of men.

    “This trivializes genuine emotional abuse, and often masks simple misogyny. (This, sadly, seems the case with Paul Elam, Dr. Palmatier’s co-author on Say Goodbye to Crazy.” You do Mr Elam a grave disservice here, as you will understand if you take the trouble to have a thorough read through the website ‘A Voice for Men’. He is absolutely not a misogynist, unless you confuse and conflate anti-feminism with being anti-women.

    As for him being ‘angry and crude’, he has every right to be angry in the face of the evil ideology that is feminism. The politely expressed arguments of Mr Elam and others, pointing out the damage inflicted by feminism on society and on relations between the sexes, in education, politics, media and the law, were completely ignored for years by society, until those arguments were expressed in more forthright, outspoken, crude and angry terms.

    • mark1964

      When Paul Elam said he was outraged that a woman should get alimony “simply for spreading her legs,” that was it for me. Sorry.

      • Partridge

        Perhaps you simply didn’t get the point he was making? Do you have a link to the article containing that quote, so people can see the context and judge for themselves?

        Otherwise, it may be thought that your comment reveals more about yourself than about the bulk of Elam’s cogently reasoned articles and arguments.

      • Didn’t take much to convince you feminism is right and everything else, including facts, are wrong. Why can feminists be crude and lewd, but Elam’s comment threw you into a tizzy. Grow up. Reply with a cogent argument or admit you don’t have one. You know, some states have lifetime alimony – any comment?

      • Bombay

        Then why are pay outs to women are always linked to spreading their legs? If a woman never spread her legs to a man – is there ever a payout for alimony or child support?

        • WasWellNowSmarter

          Your statement is evidence that you are an abuser.

      • Chris Dagostino

        I don’t recall Paul ever saying that he thought that sexual mutilation was “quite fabulous.”

        • wordsIVue

          I think that’s a reference to Sharon Osbourne’s reaction (to a cheering female audience) to a woman cutting off her husband’s penis. I don’t think mark will get it.

      • wordsIVue

        What does that have to do with men being ogres? Or does Paul Elam now stand for all men in your mind?

    • Bombay

      “Feminists have worked so hard over the last fifty years to turn men
      from ogres into enlightened companions” Really? Are you joking, or have
      you at some point in your life been hoodwinked by feminist propaganda
      and indoctrination?”

      I thought this was a misprint. With Mark responding – apparently not. This goes along with those that think women civilize men. Perhaps he is projecting.

    • MAtthew Bo

      I am so enlightened at this point that I am seriously thinking about swearing off women altogether.

      • The Ghost

        I have. I am MGTOW now.

      • mgibson8262

        I have as well………..too toxic.

    • Citogal

      Well, misandry is just as bad as misogyny, but institutional misandry has only existed for about 100 years, whereas institutional misogyny has existed for millennia. Both are evil when in purest form, but often the offenders don’t really understand their own behavior – it’s not like they decide to be misandrist/misogynist, which is why there is genuine bewilderment when they are called out. And both misogyny and misandry happens “intra-gender” as well. For example, when it’s man v man in job search, a man who is “connected” via some sort of fraternal order (fraternity, nepotism, “friend of family”) gets precedence over a man who might be more qualified, intelligent, or capable. Equality is not in play. Or, a man of average looks who “gets” a woman who is “desirable,” (I have to keep using quotes because I feel like these words are moving targets) automatically it is assumed that she is a scheming gold-digger, rather than assuming he has some qualities she desires that don’t have anything to do with money or looks. That seems like a dig against men. Of course this happens with misogyny among women as well. In feminism, women have to fight other women all the time. I feel like men do much better at the whole “old boys club,” where women don’t really have anything like that.

      I like this article by David Wong of Cracked, because it shows some aspects – it’s certainly not all inclusive – of how some men have been indoctrinated to think about women. One of the things I find interesting is that men are often accused of hating women, and they say “I’m not gay, I love women!” when they’re actions can be extremely misogynist. There is a difference between desiring women sexually and liking women socially. One can desire someone physically but be repulsed in other ways. Personally, sexual desire and liking someone go hand in hand, but many people can separate the two quite easily.


  • crydiego

    This was a very good article until 3/4 way through it turned political. It was refreshing to read a article on domestic violence free of most gender bias, only to be informed it has to do with politics.
    I knew a woman who was cruel to her son, (my best friend in grade school). Now I know the cause for his whippings; elephants and donkeys.

    • MAtthew Bo

      The author was apologizing to feminists for making a valid, negative point!
      Men tend to be shallow and superficial about chosing a mate. I am not going to apologize to men for saying that just because I am one who isn’t like that.
      When you are more worried about offending someone than saying the truth, you are a yellow journalist at that point.

  • DukeLax

    “psychologically breaking” men, will keep them psychologically castrated, while their labors can still be harvested.

    • MAtthew Bo

      You make it sound like there is a global female conspiracy. The fact is most of the ones who are like this just have their heads up their asses, mentally and emotionally.

      • CruisingTroll

        There is a global female conspiracy. It’s not, primarily, the one’s who are “like this …(with) their heads up their asses”. As you and others note, they are simply abusers, who come in almost all ideological varieties. The conspiracy is feminists who deny that this is happening. To be clear, it’s not really a tightly coupled conspiracy, more the workings of a dreadfully misandrist worldview held fairly widely among Western elites.

      • Jason Mounce

        It wouldn’t be hard to believe, to me, that some orchestrate and come into collusion with eachother. Like-minded people, toxic or otherwise will band together for a like-minded cause.

        People could think the same with the controversy surrounding ‘Gamer Gate’, wherein the reality was something no one thought would’ve happened, that the Gaming Review/Journalists had a Top Brass of Hidden Elites who blatantly cooperated with eachother in secret to monopolize the industry, and Gamer Gate as a group came together to expose them.

        If ‘Corrupted, Elite/Top Brass figureheads meeting together to monopolize an industry’ can exist in Gaming, it can exist in Feminist agendas, because SJW’s and Feminism is a Business now. (Just look at Anita Sarkeesian, MILLIONS OF DOLLARS given to her for playing herself as a Victim) So much money gone to waste, given to her out of pity or because she requested donations while appealing to the emotions of people who sympathize with her deception. Wherein the money was meant to go for her videos that she’d create, she essentially has under-delivered and used up all her money without owing up to the promises of those she begged money from. Though, that’s where Youtubes’ thunderf00t is good at explaining and showing the evidence.

    • WasWellNowSmarter

      Best statement I have read regarding the true and dark depths of our new captors. Do any others find themselves fleeing in a war of constant attrition?

  • John Rew

    Feminism is abuse of men please don’t make excuses for it. This could be a good article but the author tip toes around feminism as if it were an abusive partner. To paint feminists as innocent bystanders who haven’t caused any problems is disingenuous to say the least. It is feminist who brought this into the political arena and they admit it by saying “the personal is political”, it is not the product of backlash. The author forgets to mention that there is no shortage of well heeled feminists groups the world over who are determined to keep male victims out of the discussion on domestic violence. The complete whitewash of feminist rhetoric, that often calls for gendercide castration and the celebration of harm to men, as a funny line is outrageous. The final two sentences are fruedian as they contain the only general description of the genders (other than men being ogres of the past) and fail to mention anything good about men. Even so the author should be commended for his courage in writing an article that takes even a shallow a look at the problem. He certainly risks becoming anathema to his peers.

    • MAtthew Bo

      I fully agree. Feminism is simply the opposite of misogynism and ultimately hinders true gender equality.

      • Jason Mounce

        I keep asking people who are ‘casual feminists’ and not feminazi’s, what the point in being a feminist is if their goal is Equality for both genders? Why not create a new group that has the ideology of equality for all that is more contemporary? Feminism is broken and untrusted by men AND women.

        None have given me a proper response as to why it needs to exist beyond what we can ascertain ourselves. Feminism to this day and age, is a group that consists of women, and some men, who feel weak, lacking of purpose, ‘oppressed’ by a threat, whether invisible or real – and want to FEEL empowered by having a morally-engineered group that orchestrates the ‘objective’ of equality, but it is fuelled by the minds of those who live and breathe as a Fear Mongerer.

        People always say “I need Feminism BECAUSE-” – Do you know what they tells me? It tells me a Group, a Name, A label? Is a Status to them. How joining a group can MAGICALLY empower them to think that being IN IT. Makes them BETTER, makes them a better person. Makes them better than you. Makes them step into an ivory tower to justify cherry-picked ethics that were created from an individuals opinions, beliefs and ideologies, which lo and behold – aren’t always held accountable or are measured as Equal, or Logical, Reasonable. To assume that a group that is meant for good will only contain good minds is laughable, every human-made group will always attract the extremists who will change it from within like a cancer. Then the casual feminists who believe in the older definition will just call out the ‘Other Feminists’ as ‘Not True Feminists’ but the harsh reality is, they are all Feminists, the group simply changed without their consent, whether they’re innately good natured people or not. A group, a sub-culture, a title, a label that isn’t educationally-given is not, nor should ever be EMPOWERING. To be empowered, should only come from Achievements, Jobs, Educational merits.

        • MAtthew Bo

          How about using the term “enlightened” for those people who really just want everyone to be equal?

          • Jason Mounce

            Sounds like ‘they’ would use it against you since it sounds pompous or pretentious.

          • Citogal

            It sounds suspiciously like “supremacist,” which would be used by “others” against the “enlightened.” However, enlightenment is not really an achievable state. I think in Buddhism, an adherent never reaches enlightenment, at least not before death, it’s a constant struggle to reach because the finish line is always moving. Saying you are “enlightened” means you THINK you have arrived at that place, which would be smug superiority.

            How about men who say they are “evolved” when they are pursuing women? I’ve had a number of men – not saying all, but the ones who are trying to impress me – tell me they are “evolved,” meaning better than other men, I think? Meaning they are more worthy than other men? Are they trying to say they are more “in tune” with a woman’s needs than other men? Seems like some of the discord comes from within the male gender. As it does within the female gender in many ways.

        • Citogal

          I am a feminist by action, not because I’ve joined a cause or because I want to join a group. It’s absolutely true that abuse and inequality exists based on gender, socio/economics, race/ethnicity, age/ability/disability, countless areas of intersectionality and privilege (not all privilege is white privilege, and privilege is not what most people think it is, that’s another conversation). My goal is to treat people as equally as I can, to assist those who need assistance and to stand up for those who are being trod upon, regardless of gender. The reason there is still need for the term feminism is because the vast majority of women are still not considered equal. Are some women considered equal to men, in terms of pay equality and perceived ability? Absolutely. But in many places, in the Western World (US/Canada/Europe), women by and large are given short shrift. Does misandry exist? Of course it does. Do some men get the short shrift? Absolutely; all things being equal, if a man is more qualified for a job, he might not get it because society is still attempting to make up for times when overqualified women were not given jobs for being women.

    • mgibson8262

      Amen brother.

  • Mitch Strand

    I read this article and remembered so many scenes from my marriage. It only lasted two years and a lot of it is my fault, but most of these things happened to me.

    The worst thing was the arguing. I would express a grievance and she would immediately ask me to name a specific time when the thing happened. When I groped to remember, she immediately dismissed that it ever happened. Or I would express a wish, like maybe we could eat out less and cook more, or just fend for ourselves regarding dinner. She flatly explained she wanted a full meal and didn’t like to wait for it once she got home. That was it.

    She would make fun of things I valued and when I objected she would just say, “I didn’t mean to hurt you.” Guess what? That excuse never worked for me.

    Thank you, Mark, for the article, even though it brought back bad memories. That’s never going to happen to me again.

    • Tim Jones

      How is a lot of it your fault? The double standard drives me nuts! I had an abusive ex. At the time, I thought some of it was my fault.. I could have worked more hours, I could have cleaned the bathroom earlier in the day, blah, blah, blah… The vitriol, and blatant aggression were never my fault… EVER. And I am willing to bet that the abuse wasn’t EVER your fault either. Did we do something that they didn’t like… Probably. But in any relationship there are going to be times when you aren’t happy with the other person. That doesn’t give you the right to be abusive.. You can be angry.. You can tell the person you are angry.. You can yell at the other person while you are telling them you are angry. You can scream “GOD DAMN IT, COULD YOU PLEASE JUST HELP ME GET THE HOUSE CLEAN, FFS!!” all of that is not abusive, it is expressing your anger or irritation at the actions (or inaction) of another. What is not ok, Is when you say things like “Are you so fu$%ing stupid that you can’t clean a bathroom?”

      All of these comments are missing one of the prime reasons that men are more often emotionally abused than women… It’s because everyone gives women a free pass to do it! The media, and doctors, and therapist, and talk show hosts, and tv shows, and radio, and movies, and everything else I can think of has been telling women that “it’s not your fault” for years…. Well, guess what… Sometimes it is.. Lets talk about guys specifically for a second.. Lets say that there is a guy that I can’t stand that always seems to be at the driving range when I am. Every time he sees me he has a rude, condescending, insulting, or just plain abusive comment to make… Now, I’m not one to shy away from confrontation, but I also have no desire to go to jail so I let this go… and the other guy decides that since I’m not fighting back that I must be a pansy, so he has carte blanche to increase the severity, and frequency of the comments. Eventually,I’ve had enough and knock him on his backside. ANYONE who has been around the situation will respond with comments like “he had it coming” or “I’da done that a long time ago”. Contrary to popular belief. This is a normal response to provocation. Eventually, if you push long enough, often enough,and hard enough, the other person will push back, usually with far more amplitude than you imagined possible. Of course, police are called, lawyers, etc, etc… and when the case gets to court there is a plethora of witnesses giving testimony to the fact that the guy who got blasted was the aggressor for months prior to this particular event. The final result? The guy who responded was found not guilty, and received a restraining order against the other party (this is a true story, wasn’t me, but a true story none the less)

      Why is it any different for a man and a woman. I know of one case in particular that the woman emotionally abused her husband for YEARS, and finally, on one particular weekend day, he had enough, and clocked her.. People rushed in to tell her that it wasn’t her fault, and how dare he, and she needs to pack up and leave… and most of them knew that she had been the aggressor for a very long time prior to that. Truth is… It was her fault. It was completely her fault, and she definitely SHOULD leave… and leave everything behind because SHE was the problem. it won’t happen that way, because women are given a free pass, and I’ve had about enough.

      • Bram

        This. And don’t underestimate the possibility that the justification of the abuse (because of this or that mental condition) can also mask the fact that you’re not dealing with some disorder in your house, your relationship and your life and that in actual fact you are dealing with a very carefully orchestrated campaign of abuse that is very hard to prove. Plausible denialbility and all that. It’s diabolical and I’d wager that men, far more than women, are at the receiving end of it. Duluth fascism, of course, does not cover this and other forms of female-on-male abuse.

  • Joseph

    I just walked away from my abusive relationship. She has nearly left me homeless and penniless. Please review my gofund me page and help if you can so I can see my son again and make sure he is safe. His mother needs professional help. I had to leave before things got worst. http://www.gofundme.com/xar6p7ys

  • MAtthew Bo

    I have been in an on again, off again relationship with a woman for 15 years. We recently got married for the second time.
    It’s not like she is abusive on purpose – she was just raised in a very unhealthy environment with a mother who cohabitated with her father who had been sexually abusing her from a young age. My wife’s parents divorced when she was three. Her parents were horribly irresponsible and she was lucky to make it out of childhood alive.
    She is and apparently always has been pathological liar and narcissist.
    My feelings simply don’t matter. Everytime I try to express that se has done something to hurt me, it always ends in an argument because she negates my feelings, while playing hers up.
    Fortunately she is not intentionally malicious but maybe if she was I would have gotten out a long time ago. Fortunately we have no children. She is wholly unsuitable as a mother and I am completely disinterested in her sexually at this point because of that.
    She is starting to acknowledge that she has a mental health issue but nothing is actually changing.
    Bottom line is that her mother, an abused agorophobe, managed to teach my wife never to take responsibility for her actions and now my wife is 41 years old and she has denied almost every bad feeling and guilt in her life and instead buried her head in the sand. She cannot learn from her mistakes because she does not accept them. It is analogous to the grief process. My wife has still not come to terms with ther mother’s death after 8 years because she is as dysfunctional about dealing with grief as she is dealing with guilt.
    This presents an enormous challenge to her recovery. Her mom caused most of these issues and my wife doesn’t want to think badly about her dead mother.
    I have given up at this point. I am just biding my time until I can get out of the situation.
    Even if my wife were to start to change at this point, after 15 years of her denying me as a human being, I can never trust her or love her again.

    • sunzeneise

      Stop rationalizing her abuse, you are only empowering it. Make her responsible for her actions; and, of course you for yours,

    • Jason Mounce

      That essentially is ‘Appealing to Emotions’, if the person lived in an unhealthy environment, they will be prone to repeating the cycle, so what she needs is hard cognitive therapy. Not someone to push her cycle onwards, like yourself. It is as sunzeneise said, rationalizing and sympathizing with the ‘reasons’ does not mean it’s okay to obviously put up with the abuse. You can sympathize that her current self isn’t her fault, but her upbringing – but that’s where you draw the line.

      Intentionally malicious or unconsciously malicious doesn’t matter, because both result are malicious behaviour and that someone is going to be a victim of it.

      The safest thing you can do is tear away from her even if it hurts and not to rebound, especially if she cannot do cognitive therapy.

      • Andy C

        He looks like he wasn’t far off that step in the learning curve. Lets hope he wasn’t far off it.

    • Citogal

      I hope you will follow thru, I think just analyzing it the way you’ve done is a good step. You seem very empathetic, which is good in general, but also holds you back from doing what might be best for yourself. Good luck and best wishes!

      • MAtthew Bo

        Wow, a lot has changed since then. We separated for a long time and within the past 2-3months have begun to reconcile after a period of about 4 months just being friends. We both have been in therapy. I also went through two hip replacement surgeries in November and March through which she was supportive and helpful.
        My wife has gotten a lot better at accepting responsibility for her actions and therefore can begin to see how things affect me. I have gotten better at focusing on my own needs and have worked on better communication skills, especially when dealing with issues in the relationship.
        At this point we are not living together but we spend at least a couple days together each week and are planning to have a kid together. We are approaching it like a coparenting thing, not necessarily a traditional family thing because we are still not sure about the relationship in the long run but we are likely at this point to at least always have an amicable relationship of some kind.
        I wish we had more time to be sure about the relationship before having kids but we don’t. I have never really been so comfortable with anyone anyway.

        • Emily

          Please, please, please reconsider planning to have a child together. Children need healthy parents and she is not one. It sounds like she needs to continue focusing on the recovery. It seems scary for you to say that you should be sure about your relationship but because the clock is ticking, what the heck. I would never plan to have a baby with someone when I am not even in a healthy enough relationship to live with them! Can you trust her if the baby has a huge crying spell or what she’ll say or do to a toddler with a defiant streak? If it happens, work as hard as you can to bless your child with a healthy life but it looks like you’re looking more out for both of your needs and wants instead of the child’s.

    • ErinO1115

      Good luck to you, I hope you have the strength to get out.

    • Sarah Flood

      Stop excusing her behavior. She’s an adult, not a child. She’s presumably not insane, so she can recognize the difference between right and wrong. Might she have issues? Sure. Bad childhood? Sure. But people manage to grow up and be decent people with unimaginably horrible childhoods. That doesn’t mean they don’t struggle and everything is hunky dory, but they manage to not damage other people in the process.

      Get out and stop letting her ruin your life.

  • Mark Dietzler

    “This trivializes genuine emotional abuse, and often masks simple misogyny.” Sure, we can have a discussion about emotional abuse of men by women, but we can’t use that other M word: misandry. Until women own up to their rampant misandry, and repudiate the bitter feminist studies croons that screech 3rd wave feminism, no conversation is possible.

    • timmaguire

      We’ll know we’re making progress when we can just discuss the issue without feeling the need to get in some cheap shots on men and especially those meany conservatives to prove how fair minded we really are.

    • Citogal


    • Citogal

      Misandry happens all the time, agreed, and apologists will say “yes, but…” It needs to stop, and I think that it is as mothers teach their sons and daughters when they are small to respect everyone, and to fight against inequality where they see it. I won’t engage with misandrist behavior and will call it out. But I’m curious about this idea SOME men (to be clear, I can’t know that all men have this idea) have about calling themselves “evolved.” They never say “evolving,” they always say “evolved,” as if they have reached the pinnacle and nothing new to be learned. I have found those men to be rather more misogynist, but it seems like a slap to other men, a sort of “supremacist” view of the stratification of the male gender. What say you, men?

  • Bwayne

    The woman claims that the man is emotionally abusing her which becomes self fulfilling when he gets tired of that crap.

  • Blackgriffin

    WTH are you talking about in the article? I’ve never seen any such thing and I’ve been around for a long time. What did you do, just make up this scenario for effect?

    • Pat Loudoun

      What exactly is your motivation for blatantly lying?

      • Jason Mounce

        Perhaps some kind of feminist agenda. The same type of person who probably believes that men can’t be raped and that white men can’t be oppressed or that you can’t be sexist to a white male. Lol

    • geek49203

      I’ve been emotionally abused, by my ex. I’ve seen other men abused, some physically, by both male and female significant others. Why we keep describing “domestic violence” in terms of male-batterer, woman-victim, is beyond me. Unless we’re talking about those who have their own issues.

      • Aaida

        Fortunately, the conversation is changing and more and more abused men are speaking up and out.

    • Rodolfo Monterroso

      I grew up in a violent home, as a grown up (stupidly) ended up with a crazy psycho who liked confrontation, yelling, belittling like it’s nobody’s business, anyone can hurt anyone…also as a result of growing up in a violent home, I grew up thinking that I would never be like that, such mindset wasn’t necessarily the nicest when you live with a violent person, it leaves you somewhat helpless, so to say (it took me a while to figure it out). And yes words can mark anyone, regardless of who utters them, abusive people come in all sizes, shapes and colors…

    • Danny J Albers

      Ive never seena bank robbery, murder or rape but I am pretty sure they happen.

  • dmreiter

    This is a serious and poorly understood issue. Women, by virtue of the inherent power of motherhood, can have enormous power. A general lack of self-knowledge and psychological illiteracy feeds the problem. Affected men should consider fighting back (verbally), and let the chips fall where they may.

    • Danny J Albers

      The chips fall means cops eventually arrive at your house and guess which of the two ends up in cuffs or ordered leave on the spot via a “protection order”. The police do not help men in these situations.

      • Citogal

        Protection orders are not issued by police, they are issued by the court and the police enforces them. Generally calling the police is a way to show a pattern – a police report then enables the abused to request a protection order. We should make sure men feel safe enough and confident enough to be the ones to call the police. The abused should be believed, yes.

        • Bram

          Then the Duluth Model and its inherent fascist nature must be the first one to go, right?

  • m a

    Uh…. quite often this is driven by women’s depression. You do know that women are more susceptible to it in mid-life? The whole walking on egg-shells, memory not matching reality, everything cast is a negative light, blaming the other person, very typical of functional depressives–

    Highly recommend Anne Sheffield’s “Depression Fallout. How You Can Survive When They’re Depressed.”

    and her website depressionfallout.org

    You may be able to get them help, maybe they won’t– but you’ll have more understanding if you decide to leave.

    • geek49203

      So if a man says, “Hey, I because of (whatever) would it make it any better? IF the abuse doesn’t stop, you must stop it, no matter why they’re crazy.

      • m a

        Absolutely agree. But if part of what is driving it is depression (and there was a behavior change– i.e. the guy wasn’t stupid enough to just put up with this from the start), then a way to stop the abuse is for her to get treatment. Usually drugs combined with therapy is the most effective treatment.

        If they won’t get treatment– well, the guy has a decision to make. Put up with it, or walk away. I advocate walking away. Which is harder to do after a couple of decades and kids, but healthier for you and the kids to make contact with mom occasional and where the kids feel secure than daily.

        • Dave Waters

          m a: being a guy in an abusive relationship doesn’t make him stupid.

          • TrueGamer

            Yes it does. If you’re being abused by a spouse or significant other, then staying in that relationship makes you stupid, whether you’re a man or a woman. There’s nothing you can say to justify staying in such a relationship. Nothing!

          • Jason Mounce

            That’s over-simplifying the dependency and attachment that both genders can grow to hold dear to them in a relationship. It’d be idiotic to think that a person could be in a relationship for 2-5 years or more and not have an attachment to that and a fear of change by losing them, you shared a huge chunk of your life with a person, tearing them away from your life is the rational decision, but when you care deeply for someone, rational thinking isn’t always the priority. ‘Love’ is an annoying thing like that where hormones and chemicals have higher power over you than your ability to reason what is truly best for you.

          • m a

            Its very hard to be completely rational and objective when you have a long time invested in what up to then, has been a healthy relationship. People do suffer mental illness in life, if you’re married and depending on how you view your vows to ‘…love, honor, and obey in sickness and in health…’ it can be tough to decide where being supportive ends, how much do you put up with trying to help them get treatment they need.

          • Jason Mounce

            Course, morality and ethics are very flexible and differs per person.

            It can be hard to cut things away, but sometimes it has to be done.

          • Citogal

            Yes, in some ways it’s like drugs, a chemical dependency. It also might have to do with how you were raised. If a woman saw her mother being abused, is she more likely to be a doormat? If a man saw his father being abused, is he more likely to accept abuse as “normal?” And some chemical dependencies are genetic, in the way that some people are more susceptible to addiction. We have to recognize historical patterns. Conversations like these help us recognize those in ourselves.

          • m a

            Ok, put whatever label on it you want- I won’t argue semantics. I don’t think staying in an abusive relationship is healthy/smart/a good life choice. Had a friend I worked with in high school at a restaurant, he had to leave one day in a rush to go home and beat up and throw out of the house his mom’s 3rd abusive husband (6th abusive overall live-in). Couldn’t help but wonder how she kept finding those kind of guys and how they kept finding her.

            If you’re in an abusive relationship- why?

    • Danny J Albers

      These women are not depressed, they are on a campaign of control and feed their narcissism by exerting in their spouses via emotional blackmail its constant and unrelenting. You are excusing their behavior because, quite simply, they are female abusers, and wouldn’t spout such nonsense if the abusers were men.

      • m a

        I’m not excusing the behavior, and I’m not saying all abusers are depressed. Even so, just because they’re depressed doesn’t give them the right to abuse others. It means they need to get treatment, and if they don’t a man shouldn’t hang around tolerating the abuse. It’s something to consider prior to walking out the door, a hard thing to do if you have a couple of decades experience with someone and they’re hit with this in mid-life and you have a couple of kids with them.
        Do you walk out immediately, or try to salvage it?

        • Much Complicate

          So my question to you is, would you say “they’re just depressed” if a man was abusing a woman? If you would extend the same understanding to a man, then carry on. If not…shut the f**k up.

          • Citogal

            Well, isn’t it a problem if either a man or woman is depressed? Behavior gets erratic. I would submit that women do extend understanding to men and make excuses for abuse. Why do men stand for it? M A is entitled to say what they want, so the STFU comment comes across as hostile. M A did say that working things out via some sort of therapy might be in order, especially if the couple’s history includes a significant chunk of life and possibly even children. But of course the depressed party does need to recognize it. Maybe interventions with friends and family are warranted.

          • Much Complicate

            Well, in my experience, stfu accurately describes the feeling created in me by people who dismiss these kinds of problems. I’m not trying to start an argument though. I agree with what you’re saying. I’m just checking M A for any signs of double standards and dismissal. (And my “carry on” comment is real. Not a sarcastic psychology tactic to express disdain. If he actually would extend the same understanding, then he truly may carry on in my eyes)

          • m a

            Sorry, I didn’t say “they’re just depressed” for a woman abusing a man. No where do I claim that depression excuses the behavior. It, however, can be a driving factor. Would I start or continue a relationship with an abusive person regardless of the cause, no. If my partner’s behavior makes a fairly dramatic change would I try to determine the reason and whether I could return the relationship to a mutually beneficial state, yes. If my partner wouldn’t cooperate in that goal would I end it? yes.

    • Sheena

      So, is every person who behaves in a negative way “depressed”? or “mentally ill”?

      • m a

        No where did I say this applies to every person. However, mental illness is real, sometimes it develops later in life. As you can see from my comments below my perspective is colored (as so much opinion is) by experience. If you’re in a relationship for 15 years and the behavior is a change (i.e. they weren’t verbally/emotionally abusive until then) it is something to consider. Particularly if it’s someone you love and have sworn to be there for even ‘in sickness and in health’. Clinical depression involves a change in brain chemistry, a significant decrease in neurogenesis (ability to make new brain cells) and actual shrinking of part of the brain involved in emotion/positive thought processes.

        A disease doesn’t excuse bad behavior, we’re still responsible for our actions. However, if it is a factor it needs treatment. I don’t have much sympathy for someone who won’t get treatment for a medical condition.

        Who do you trust?
        You ever read ‘Mindhunter’ by John Douglas, an FBI profiler? He interviewed inmates who studied the psychiatric diagnostic manual and claimed they could get themselves diagnosed by the psychiatrists for any condition listed. I guess you read, study, use your best judgment which always tends to improve if you know more.

        By the way, I would have responded to you earlier but I took my kids cross country for the week to see their grandparents (my ex’s parents). Been years since we divorced, I have custody simply because she really doesn’t feel much for her kids. They stopped being a priority to her. She’s not on drugs, not an alcoholic, holds a responsible job and everyone who meets her tend to like and trust her.

        • jlord37

          Happy Whiteknighting Mangina!

    • Sarah Flood

      Abuse and depression are not inextricably linked. This isn’t depression. This is control.

  • VonZorch Imperial Researcher

    That sounds like my ex.

    • geek49203

      Mine too.

  • tsol

    Popular culture used to be full of depictions of women emotional and physically abusing their husbands, usually to comic effect. It was realistic abuse being dramatized, but pre- feminist society thought a man getting verbally belittled in public or struck with heavy pans and dishes was hilarious. It’s only with the rise of “victim as Saint” that men stopped being depicted as victims.

    • Sheena

      I know! Off hand I can think of at least two Laurel & Hardy films like that, an old show called Hee-Haw that had a character called Ida Lee Nagger who constantly nagged her husband till he looked suicidal and I think she used to hit him with a frying pan and rolling pin too, and an episode of Everyone Loves Raymond where the wife was shrieking like a lunatic at the husband for liking her fake breasts she put on.

    • Citogal

      It’s also interesting to note that most of those pop culture shows are created and written by men. For example, Ray Romano wrote most of Everybody Loves Raymond. So, he’s feeding the abusive archetype into our culture. Frankly, when I watched that show, as a woman sometimes I hated Debra for being such a bee-yatch. I would yell at the screen to tell her to stop being so crazy. But be fair. He was often oblivious to the pain and hurt he caused her. Not because he wanted to be abusive, but because he was unthinking, but it still results in the same thing.

      • jlord37

        So anotherwords, it’s really his fault that she was abuse towards him since he was “unthinking ” . One more proof that weak men are even lower on the totem pole than abusive men.

        • Citogal

          Your straw man is on fire. You want to blame women for the ills in the world, go ahead, way to make sure neither side takes responsibilities for mutual understanding.

  • mgibson8262

    That is definitely my x 33 years of it. I avoid women like the plague now.

  • TrueGamer

    It’s not that hard to get sucked into a relationship with a psychotic. However, you need to make damn sure of their mental stability and emotional compatibility before you start knocking out kids with them, because once you do that, you’ve signed up for a lifetime of drama and heartache. A divorce won’t solve it.

    • Jason Mounce

      What if they don’t show any signs until children come into picture? That they know ‘That’ is the time they can let themselves go and be their ‘real’ selves? Using the children as a form of contract to hold the guy hostage? Am sure that’s not far from what some can plan ahead of time.

      • Citogal

        If you’re really afraid of that with the woman you are with, then she’s not the woman for you. Don’t feel pressured. You sound like a good guy who wouldn’t walk away from his children, but a lot of men do it, and divorce is pretty routine nowadays. If a woman can’t work with you to build your relationship, either you go to counseling and if that doesn’t work, you part ways and seek your bliss elsewhere.

        • Jason Mounce

          How does me asking metaphorical questions somehow make me afraid and that I have a woman I’m afraid of? Nowhere do I suggest I’m talking about myself or suggest I’m looking for help, this is very peculiar.

          • Citogal

            There is the “collective you,” which people use to talk in the abstract, not “you” personally, but “you” as in anybody reading it. Let’s go again – The PERSON who is afraid his woman will do that to him is not with the right woman. He should get out of the relationship because he fears of an outcome that may never happen. Part of getting into a relationship is taking a leap of faith. When the anticipation of the good outweighs the fear of the bad, a person should take a leap. As Kierkegaard said, “Life can only be understood backwards; but it must be lived forwards.” But nowadays, with the prevalence of divorce, if a PERSON finds himself/herself in an abusive situation, they can walk away. Whether they have the strength to do it is another conversation.

            A guy I used to be friends with was bewildered why his wife walked away after 15 years and having a child and then got a restraining order, he had never beaten her. But the reason was – he didn’t want the divorce and he wouldn’t stop talking, seeking her out to talk with her, pushing his will on her, because everything they did had to be on his terms. The restraining order was for her to have some peace from his “logic” (which insinuates she was stupid). Abuse comes in many forms. I am no longer friends with him because he is resistant to just listening and he is a verbal and emotional abuser. When he started to try to make me feel stupid and verbally manipulate me, that was the end of that.

          • Jason Mounce

            No idea why you’re attempting to explain or lecture me on things when you have no idea what I know, don’t know, or what my situation is, are you that itching to explain your life story? I’m a bit lost on what your reasoning is. If you do not know the person at a personal level, but are referencing a collective ideology on, say, common tropes or the like. Then it’s a bit pointless in this situation.

          • Citogal

            I guess, then, we are not having a conversation and yes, you are correct, I should not bother because I do not know you and you are expressing disinterest in a conversation. Good day.

          • Bram

            That is correct. You are having a monologue.

  • Fadli Ramadhan

    oh my gosh. I always think I’m an incapable man or something. it’s happened when I was still with my ex. she’s a moody kind of person. I know being moody is somewhat normal thing for women. but she is, I guess, much more special. High expectation at how am I must be, she wants me to read her mind, get angry easily over trivial matters, start to showing me that she’s no longer respecting me as her man. I don’t know what I have to do anymore. everything I did just make her temperament getting worse. It lead to the moment when I feel awkward every time she’s around me. She told me, in sarcastic way, “you’re not capable and fail guy so fuck off”. aaand… we’re break up. she’s got new boyfriend one week later, I end up in my room questioning my capability.

    I thought love is hurting, I thought I’m not worthy enough to get respect from a girlfriend. I don’t want to have love life for a little while. About 4 month later, I finally met my current girlfriend. She’s a cheerful, positive thinking and understanding kind of person. Until today, no problems like what I experienced with my ex, happen again. and then I saw this post. So yeah… it’s clears things up. I’m not a loser. I was just dating an unstable young woman with a little bit abusive tendency.

    • Robert Jones

      When you said awhile… I thought you meant like five years… Then you follow up with, “About 4 months later”.

      Dude… You know of no celibacy until you reach at least one year.

    • Citogal

      No, being moody is not normal for women, it’s normal for all humans. For every abusive woman out there, there’s at least one doormat. Glad you found someone who is good for you, and good to you. We women are not all the same.

    • Katie Cassidy

      It takes time and distance to gain perspective on what happened to you. It is like being a hostage after you willingly and unwittingly walk into their lair. Make no mistake. Abusers, male and female, know what they are doing. I had a twelve year marriage to an extremely emotionally abusive man, and I find that I can spot it dead on now, even when I see a woman abusing her mate. Abuse is abuse is abuse, and these creatures work whatever system is in place to gain personal power over someone close to them… and while we run around decrying the systems in place that allow it to happen, they are always prepared to work their darkness in ANY system, and often go unnoticed, and unaccountable. You should be VERY proud of yourself for gaining your freedom from this succubus. I wish you every happiness, my friend.
      Know this: people who have suffered abuse have a unique understanding of the human heart, and are very special human beings. You are a worthy child of the universe, deserving of love and respect. Never forget that.

  • James Asbury

    I just got out of another situation like this- with a therapist. She wanted to Co-habitate, but keep the house in her name and never marry. When my work situation improves, she became more distant. She picked fights using vague statements, asking for clarity made her even more angry. I feel she was a control freak- wanting someone to help pay off the mortgage- but never making more than her… and I was a wimp- ever devoted, tried to make her happy. I think some women have an issue with the new equality. I mean, same sex couples can wed, women can fight in combat- women can be CEO’s- so, in my experence, when some women feel they don’t measure up they have no excuse and become abuseive.

    It’s nearly runined me- however, all the stuff I did to be better still stands, and she can watch from afar, as I keep improving- with more time for work thanks to being truly single.

    • Citogal

      I don’t think women have an issue with equality, I think humans have an issue with equality. At the hands of this woman, you are experiencing something that many women have experienced at the hands of men, because it is about who has power. In some instances, society gives power, and in some instances, individuals give power. You have given her power over you.

      Women are learning to use their power and to be less nurturing and accommodating to men – we all have one life to live, and many women don’t want to live it under the thumb of a man. Unfortunately, SOME women mistake that to mean they should keep a man under their thumb. SOME women see the success abusers have achieved and believe they can achieve that as well. Yes it is wrong.

      More power to you if you have walked away from this woman. I hope you can find peace, and maybe a good woman who is interested in true equality and can be a partner to you. Best wishes.

  • Cole A Elizabeth

    Is your husband cheating on you?Are you on a verge of separation, abusive relationship,arguing,hate Get all this problems sorted before you regret any action made today. I have been dating Carlos for 3years now, I never knew he was seeing another lady,until he called off the our wedding 2months before.I was depressed and heart broken, i needed answer and solutions to why i have been abused and used by Carlos. I went online search for similar problems and solution, then i stormed this great prophet Osaze, which i mail and poured out all my problems and worries, i called and we talked at length,He told me not to worry all will be fine and perfect than before.During this call section, He told me why carlos has done all this wrong to me.Carlos was Bewitched and under a spell from this jealous mistress (EX). He assured me that Carlos will return home 24hrs after we have spoken.I was very happy and pleased with anxiety,joy when i received a call from Carlos,asking were i was,stating he is confused and don’t know what he is doing at his ex house and i should come pick him from there. On getting there this HOME WRECKER, began confessing to her evil deeds to my love.Am 2years marriage and blessed with 2kids now, i have come open to people having similar problem”NEVER NEGLECT YOUR LOVE ONES WITHOUT ANY REASON OR DEEP SEARCH TO THE ROOT OF THE PROBLEM”Contact this great prophet Via Email: spirituallove @ hotmail.com

  • Devin Devine

    The reason why there is a correlation of attacks on feminism when discussing emotionally abused men is a simple one. The same reason why many feminists mock male victims of abuse by women and why they try adamantly to silence male victims of abuse because many of these male victims’ abusers were feminist women! Its not simply overt male hatred on feminists part to silence male victims of abuse but to try and suppress evidence of their crimes and to avoid jail time and the best way for them to do that is to undermine the evidence against them by constantly harassing the victim by themselves or in a group effort (which i myself purposefully experienced) in order to make them remain silent. Another way for them to suppress evidence is for men’s abuse shelters to never see the light of day because if their victims do get a support network and sympathy from others who aren’t indoctrinated into your venomous religion then these male victims would regain their confidence and report their feminist abusers to the authorities. For the public to learn this would make the slow creeping death within feminism turn into a inferno resembling that of the Hindenburg and THAT is why feminists try so damn hard to mock and silence male victims of abuse. Hell they use #ibathinmaletears. to do it regularly.

    • Dragblacker

      I might venture a simpler explanation (though yours isn’t without merit): pure chauvinism. There’s nothing more chauvinistic than feminism. The reason male victims of women are mocked is because these people don’t take the idea of a “weak” woman ever doing anything to really harm a “strong” man seriously. Or if she does hurt him, it’s merely the subject of some sexual joke and then move on.

      The useful idiots who subscribe to feminism as though it’s some legitimate movement and not a branch of Kulturmarxism don’t see how they’re being played for suckers, and if they do, they miss the point entirely. (Case in point: using leftist talking points to attack an institution dominated by leftists and then offering that certain groups carve out their own niche, such as black feminism, Asian feminism, LGBTXYZ, etc.)

      • Citogal

        Nothing in that comment indicates an openness to equality among the genders. Maybe equality means that there is some risk that some people – male or female – are culpable for abuse. Instead of “turning the tables” and using a traditionally male word to describe SOME women, everyone would be better served to throw out these pejorative words and just talk to the issues.

        • honoriaglossop

          ‘m just pointing out that nothing happens in a vacuum. I agree with you that abuse is abuse and anyone who engages in it is fully culpable for their actions.

          I think human behaviors, good and bad have always existed and both sexes were and are equally capable of them.

          I’m talking about the disconnect between what happens and how what happens is perceived both by the individual and by society.

          If you are always on your spouse or significant other, telling them what to do, belittling their ideas and achievements and doing everything you can to make them feel less than and remove their sense of self, that is emotional abuse.

          Yet what did and do we label this behavior when it is the woman doing it? Nagging. She’s a nag. If this were merely an insult towards her, it would not be a problem. Insulting abusers is nothing I have an issue with. But this insult doubles back and hits the abused man in the face. It labels something emotionally devastating as mere annoyance. It trivializes and normalizes behavior that no one either individually or collectively should put up with.

          I should have made it more clear that when I talk about both patriarchy and feminism in these contexts, I am talking about them as world views and lenses in which things that actually happen, then get filtered and distorted.

          So to break it down:

          What happened?- A wife yells at her husband and hits him in public.

          The patriarchal filter- He lost control of his wife- he deserves what she does. (I site medieval France where men were dressed in women’s clothing and forced to ride a donkey backwards for the “crime” of being abused by their wife.)

          The feminist filter- She was acting in self defense, probably after years of his abuse. And yes, preemptive self-defense counts because the larger culture is hostile towards women.

          For the record, I find fault with both of these filters. They both blame the man for what someone else chose to do and both trivialize the woman’s behavior and the man’s suffering.

          In dealing with any kind of abuse towards anyone, we need to examine our cultural assumptions, because our cultural assumptions color our beliefs and our beliefs influence our actions, which is how we handle situations. But in order to do that, we need to be honest about what these assumptions are and where they come from.

          And I would challenge anyone to find a feminist root for the concept of “nag.”

          • Citogal

            By the way, I like your screen-name. Love P.G. Wodehouse!

      • honoriaglossop

        Because feminism is a response to chauvinism and patriarchy, things are going to be filtered through that lense. Patriarchy says that men are strong and women weak and that this is good and natural. Feminism can unfortunately agree with that statement but re-frame it as a bad thing without really examining the core assumptions.
        Power dynamics are not so simple. I came across an article not too long ago that found the higher status (more educated, higher income) were more likely to be the victims of domestic abuse than the less educated, more financially dependent spouse. This is true for both men and women. That blows a lot of feminist assumptions out of the water. But it also blows a lot of more old-fashioned assumptions out of the water as well.

    • Citogal

      Just as men don’t like being painted with the same brush, neither do women. I am a feminist. That means I will open a door for a man if needed, and thank a man for opening one for me. Because we are equal. Because the goal is to bring forward everyone to the same playing field. Do people take advantage of that? Of course. So now women are doing what men have been doing for ages and being called out, and that’s fine to call out women who do it. As long as you don’t forget that women AND men contribute to this problem.

      Consider this – if a man complains about being the victim of abuse, to whom does he complain? His male buddies, who will call him a wuss? Tell him he’s whipped? Tell him he’s not a man? Will it make him feel supported and validated if his male buddies treat him like he’s weak and stupid? Or pass it off in crass jokes? Because I see that happening a lot. We need to evolve to become more thoughtful and recognize pain for what it is, and not just cover up our discomfort with tasteless and questionable humor. There’s a time for joking, and there’s a time for serious, and it occurs to me that men need to be supportive of other men and just listen to them, instead of taking opportunities to take pot-shots at women. We’re all culpable and we all better realize it.

      • Devin Devine

        Nice attempt at deflecting the conversation away from the fact that many within feminism coordinate in the facilitation and application of abusing men in romantic relationships similar to what i myself and eron gjoni of the Quinnspiracy experienced…but I and many others are not swayed by your attempts to put words in the mouths of your detractors.

      • jlord37

        And what would happen to a man who would complain to most women about the abuse he’s suffered?

    • gwallan

      Above all maintaining the dominance of patriarchy theory is the primary concern. Acknowledging anything resembling duality in matters pertaining to “abuse” is a grave threat to the ideology. It knocks a foundation stone out of their house of cards.

  • Lee McCullough

    Of all the species, only man tortures his victims.

    • Daniel Connolly

      Yes because humankind is the only creature intelligent enough to have such desires to cause harm. Well, unless you include dolphins. They don’t torture but they do kill others for fun.

      • Net_Walker

        Don’t forget cat…

        • PrimoFederalist

          There’s not much evidence that cats are intelligent, though…

          • Net_Walker

            And yet they train humans to a degree the would make a lion tamer envious… Perhaps they are the perfect example of Nietzsche’s will to power.

    • patriarchal landmine

      anti male blood libel doesn’t get much more libelous or bloody than this.

  • Rebecca Myers
  • Doug

    This is sad but true. My divorce from a controlling and abusive wife was final about a year ago. I am still dealing with the effects of the smear campaign. I think it’s fantastic that you’re speaking out about how men are abused, but lest we forget, personality disorders are also part of what drives female on male abuse. There is a much wider gap comparing this (which is bad enough) to the damage of a long term marriage to a woman who has a lot of the traits of a severe personality disorder, and married to a co-dependent people pleasing man.

    I have been doing EMDR for close to two years and things are better. At the same time, I am a social pariah in my community because she has claimed I was the abusive one. There is proof of her games and manipulations, a small start is public record that during the divorce, she did not file her financial disclosure until the day of the settlement. A nasty trick that cost me over $10,000 extra that I had to pay. She has crafted a story that I made her pay that amount, and no one will listen to me. So not only was I strong armed into that payment, but she has lied to others that she had to pay me!

    I was the one who suggested marital counseling, I went into personal therapy while still married. I worked on improving myself in the hopes that my marriage was going to improve. I did, the marriage did not. I left the house, I left out of fear. I filed for divorce within 3 days of leaving her. That’s not what abusers do. They also don’t spend three years breaking out of co-dependent patters, they don’t improve themselves, they don’t hold themselves accountable for the mistakes they have made, and gone on to correct what they can, or learn for next time so they don’t make the same mistake. Abusers also do not get isolated after splitting from a victim. Yet stories are told, people believe her and I am the outcast.

    That, to me, is the worst part of it. That as a woman, all you have to do is claim abuse, and you are believed. As a man, if you speak out, you are mocked, laughed at, ridiculed, humiliated, told “it didn’t happen” or any variant of that statement. I now understand why male victims don’t come forward. If I knew then what I know now…..

    What I’d like to see. More information put out here on the personality disordered abusers. More on the smear campaigns. People are fooled by charm and manipulative behavior so easily today, I feel sick even thinking about it.

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  • Much Complicate

    It’s a pretty good article, although, I don’t think that typically the men who are against feminism are “misogynist”. I think there are misogynists who use it as an excuse, but there are legitimate issues that feminism has caused for men. It’s basically saying “men against feminism are against women” which is so far from the truth. A lot of men AND women who are against feminism are only in conflict with feminism.

  • Sheena

    I’m so glad you brought this issue up. Maybe you’re going to have to lead the way in awareness of this issue. The beginning of the piece sounds just like how my mom acts to my dad. It’s heartbreaking to watch.

    I firmly believe that negativity is equally dispersed between the genders, but women usually do emotional abuse, and men physical. But because women are more verbal and express their emotions more freely, they talk about their abuse more. And because of sexism and men usually being less comfortable expressing their feelings, men don’t want to appear weak by talking about the abuse they experience.

    In both cases, I think it’s low self-esteem that keeps people in abusive relationships (and causes abusers to abuse). I’m sure this gets passed down to the next generations too in a monkey-see, monkey-do kind of way.

    • Citogal

      I’d disagree that one type of abuse is confined to a gender. My father abused all of us, but especially anybody female, physically, sexually, mentally, emotionally, spiritually. He passed that on to my brother who has a violent contempt for all women and he abuses physically, mentally, verbally wherever he can get away with it. I have no evidence of sexually, but he has dumped perfectly nice and quite beautiful women after they fall in love with him, so I figure that’s there as well. Yes, my mother was also abusive verbally, but only because she is not physically imposing. People can choose to continue the cycle or break out of it. I have to work very hard not to hear my mother’s words come out of my mouth. And I am hyper-vigilant to abuse among my friends. I will call out anyone, male or female, if they are abusive.

  • Citogal

    A man who complains he’s being abused is likely to get even more abuse from other males in his social circle – they will call him a wuss or other names. So part of the real isolating problem with men that will make them despair because they have nobody to go to. I think this is a good article and we should all be vigilant against abuse, whether it’s against men, or women, or children, or animals, and we need to recognize that anybody can be the abuser, or the abused.

    • gwallan

      “A man who complains he’s being abused is likely to get even more abuse
      from other males in his social circle – they will call him a wuss or
      other names.”

      One could try alternate social circles.

      “So part of the real isolating problem with men that will make them despair because they have nobody to go to.”

      Environments which were once limited to males are now virtually non-existent due to female demands for blanket access. Even male change rooms are not out of bounds. It’s not that boys and men have nobody to go to. The places that may have facilitated it have been changed in ways that largely remove the possibility.

    • PrimoFederalist

      I don’t think that is the case at all. I can’t imagine a scenario in which a guy complains to his friends about his relationship and they make fun of him. You’re working off of a caricature, not reality. He wouldn’t say “I’m being emotionally abused,” but I can’t imagine a man who wouldn’t complain about his girl to his friends and have them be receptive. Of course, they’d offer advise: some on how to fix it, other recommending leaving, but again, your first statement doesn’t match any scenario I’ve witnessed (three younger brothers, fraternity, Marine Corps… lots of relationships with “strong” males).

      • MaximusX67

        I agree with Citogal here …. men do not share this sort of thing with their buddies. I know I never did. If I’d have complained that my 100lb wife was abusive, always mentally, sometimes physical, they’d have laughed at me. I weigh nearly twice what she does. But I just sat there and took her abuse for 7+ years. She’d slap me across the face. She punched me in my face on several occasions, typically hard enough to make my nose bleed and leave a slight black eye. But I never told anyone about her abuse. It seemed like something I should just take and ‘be a man’ about it.

        If I had ever confided about any of it I’d would have just been met with laughter and taunting to grow a set – and, unfortunately, that is the mentality of 95% of men overall, if not 99%. We are brought up to be tough and just plow through things. We are also expected, within our circle of friends, to be ‘men’ about things, period.

    • Wayne Paul Liles

      Read The Sociopath Next Door by Martha Stout..that will open your eyes..

  • Citogal

    You know what’s interesting? This occurs in the LGBT community as well – woman on woman violence, man on man violence. It’s not really a gender issue. It’s an abusive personality issue.

    • Cheryl Morrison

      that is sad. abuse is sad anywhere and to anyone.

    • Wayne Paul Liles


  • Susan Gallagher

    Would help if men didn’t turn up their noses at decent, caring women while kissing the backsides of that sort!

    • trentthecaptain

      Victim blaming….nice

      • Susan Gallagher

        I’m doing no such thing – victim blaming would be if I said it was his fault she behaved like that.

        • Gretz

          Unfortunately, some potential partners will start off as caring and considerate, with the abusive nature and patterns coming out much later after a commitment has been made. It can also make complaining about or confronting the behavior difficult, as well as finding support when her public-face seems to be sweet.

          Much like how decent men will wonder why women hook up with bad-boys and then complain about their behavior, I understand your comment to be concerned with men that enter relationships with women that treat them like crap, right from the start.

          Unfortunately, many abusive people are adept at keeping that aspect (mostly) hidden from public, and their spouse gets the brunt of the abuse when out of site, or what is done in public just seems petty and insignificant. It follows a trend of isolating and controlling behavior that eliminates most outside contact, making him feel that no one would believe his complaints that she’s very different when they’re alone.

          Then again, our society seems to find women abusing men, physically and mentally, to either be humorous or justified. I’ve seen too many men, after a physical assault from their spouse, be asked “What did you do to make her mad?”, or “You go, Girl!”

          Not taking this abuse seriously is just more of modern feminism’s infantilizing of women.

    • honoriaglossop

      Because decent, caring people don’t “love bomb.”
      “Love Bombing” is when someone showers you with so much love and affection early on that they hook you. For the first view weeks or even months of the relationship, they treat you like the best thing in the universe. They confide in you and tell you awful details of their past that in a normal, healthy relationship would not be addressed until actual trust and affection has built up.
      Then it stops and in comes the belittling, cruelty and devaluing. It is understandable that someone would be highly motivated to get the love bomb back.
      As for a relationship with a decent, caring woman, after you’ve been with a love bomber, it can be like trying to make do with coffee after a cocaine addiction.

      • Dr. Gonzalez

        Insightful and accurate. Sadly, probably a part of our biological history (behavior is linked to brain structure and our brains have evolved for hundreds of thousands of years to encourage breeding, and with lifespans which seldom exceeded 30-35 years for millennia) which initiates this behavior. As discouraging as this may seem, we may be stuck with it and can only seek mates with lower levels of these traits (some seem evident in all females) balanced with empathy and compassion learned as they developed in stable-loving homes. I like the cocaine comparison, our brains are bathed with phenolethylamines , dopamine and oxytocin during youthful sexual interchanges. Our limbic systems are changed forever and we seek to reclaim the thrill. It occurs is females too, as we see the classic pattern of naïve late teen, early twenties females (decent on the surface) becoming attached to sociopathic men and ruining their lives to meet the ancient/irrational mating needs.

    • Bedlama

      I understand your frustation as a good woman. From my experience, I didn’t know that she would change. I honestly thought she was a nice and caring person. What they do is start arguments and getting verbally and physically abusive, blaming the man for her being abusive. So he stays thinking that he’s the problem. The abuser plays hot and cold. She’s sweet one day and slamming doors the next. She doesn’t want him to have contact with his friends or family, who tell him something is wrong with her.

    • Eric Coan

      You mean like how women like the bad boy, while ignoring the nicer man? It is a sad needy argument and so is yours.

      • Susan Gallagher

        Not all of us women are impressed by Bad Boy types!

        • Eric Coan

          I know, and not all of us men kiss the backsides “of that sort,” as you put it.

        • jlord37

          But isn’t it funny how the very same oft neglected ” good girl” tends to gravitate all to readily to the ” bad boys”, when the good guy becomes ” boring “.

          • Susan Gallagher

            Some of us don’t see being decent and steady as boring!

  • Ken Mitchell

    Another fascinating site is https://mustbethistalltoride.com/, documenting the emotional journey of a man whose wife walked out.

  • Ivar Ivarson

    It is enough to say “women”. “Women who emotionally abuse men” is redundant.

  • Christopher McMillan

    I really appreciate you sharing your story. I’m coming out of a relationship exactly like you described just this week and I feel completely devastated emotionally. She took everything I had to give emotionally and physically, so now I feel like an empty wasteland. It really helps to know I’m not alone in having endured that kind of abuse and that you were able to move on and find a rewarding and satisfying marriage afterwards.

    • MaximusX67

      Hang in there man …. it gets better! Much better! It is very hard to see it so soon outside, but with some time you will realize how much better off you will be going forward. You will learn from the mistakes of this terrible relationship and apply it going forward. I knew more of the ‘crazy’ to look out for, and I also knew I would never invest time in someone who I didn’t know was going to be the right girl for me ever again!

      It took me a good 6 to 8 months for the fog to start lifting and really get over everything, and by the 1 year mark I was starting into a new, serious relationship and was so much f*cking happier!!

  • Wayne Paul Liles

    I was a prisoner of a tribe of sociopaths for 15 years..Now 11 years later she is still in the business of causing problems in my life…A vicious psycho controller…..and her minions…Her Motto was/is Control or Destroy….

  • Wayne Paul Liles

    10-4 on the disagreeing..

  • Mike

    Im going thru exactly thru this i feel sad i feel like if ill never find anyoneelse i read the stories and wow like if u guys saying my life idk what to do its not healthy anymore

  • Peter C. Krieger

    Michelle Langley’s “Female Infidelity” can answer a lot of this; in brief, a woman becomes biologically compelled to dump her mate after 4 years and/or one child (roughly); known as the 4 year female feral sexual cycle. Throw in the natural male-hated that is Feminism and you get things like this; .

    • Sarah Flood

      No. Just no. I’m a feminist; my best friend is a guy, and I’m trying to help him get out of an abusive relationship. You have no idea what you’re talking about.

      • jlord37

        That’s precisely what feminism is, and was always about. Enslaving the masses of lower class powerless men, so that a few powerful elite man can retain all the power. All under the guise of “empowering women”.

    • JC

      Actually, exactly THIS happened to me.
      4 years in, and one child, I am now a divorced man.

  • Brad

    Hi i have a problem not really sure whats going on thought i might get an answer on here. About 11 years ago i thought i met the perfect woman she was beautiful sweet and just different then anyone id ever met but as time went on things started to change it started with i didnt spend enough time with her. So i decided that i wouldnt go out as much and not much longer after that i was spending most my time with her and things went fine for a little bit now lets fast forward some now im to the point where the only pepole i talk to is family i no longer have any friends around me. She drops a bomb and says one night she was out and made a mistake and kissed another guy and that she did it because i wasnt sweet or romantic enough so like any man it hit my ego we got into an argument over it . Then we made up i understand that anyone can make a mistake and i took the blame for it and tried to be more romantic and show her i loved her so we moved in together one day i came home from work and got on the computer and found some msg to another guy she then again said it was my fault and i was misunderstanding it so i wrote it off again she then started to be little me mainly at home when we were alone told me i was little didnt do anthing for her and shed had way better lovers in her past and why couldnt i b more like them this was happening on a fairly regular basis and was constantly telling me i was abusing her and she was gonna leave and did leave a few times and stole money from me and it did get to the point where i started lashing back at her for it yes i felt bad but i didnt know what else to do things got so bad in my head that i started to believe nobody but her would put up with me and i wasnt happy i even tried suicide a couple times bit i didnt do it right she has turned her entire family against me and even tried turning mine against me no it didnt work but here is my delema i finally worked up the nerve to leave it hurt especially since there is a kid involved but now im left with the qestion of am i that horrible person that she has described to everyone or am i the victim of abuse that just finally said id had enough i know i dont want to be an abuser and i dont want to be abused and here is somthing else here the last 2 months she has been really trying to get me back but i dont wanna go back i know she is just going to hirt me more and things will get worse but on the other hand it feels like im kinda abandoning my son by saying no and kewping my distance from her what should i do im so confused

    • phil8

      Get away from her as soon as possible, for your own good, mate! Drop her….

    • Teddy lee

      Run. Fast. Court takes into consideration emotional abuse and manipulation.

    • Excalibur

      You are the victim, she abused you. Never doubt yourself. You walked away from your abusive ex, not your son.

    • LucreMagnus


    • Sarah Flood

      Sounds like what a friend of mine is going through. Get out.

      And you’re not abandoning your son. You’re giving him an example of not allowing yourself to be treated like that. You deserve better and so does he.

    • Hiphopsince79

      Understand that the best thing she’s ever done for you was to give you a child but aside from that you are at war. Not only that but you are at war with an adversary devoid of a conscience, so be prepared for anything. Protect and prepare yourself for the combat to come dealing with this personality disordered women.

  • Jack Fulscher


  • Nathan confused.

    My abuse is still on going! I am a 28 year old male I’m a usual type of guy I can be a little annoying at times I have some lazy habits and I’m not perfect ! But!!i am more than aware off my faults and I do try to address them my girl freind on the other hand is 6 years older and is undeniail off anything she does wrong she refuses to talk about any off our problems unless it’s making me look bad and working in her favour ! She usually screems and shouts so loud it’s peircing! She has been accusing me off all sorts off unfaithful things since I can remember also made me close down my social media profiles it got so bad I had to get rid off my cell phone on numouras occasions just to proof in not using them at work but it’s one rule for me and not for her she always says iv done nothing nice for her when iv always done nice things for her she’s got that bad after months off her accusations and her nasty moods her cold nature towards me her bitterness and mental abuse that I have lashed out towards her pinning her to the wall in anger telling her to get off my case and quit it she freaked started screaming and the domestic argument got worse I’d finally snapped I’d stayed silent for to long !! Every time I tried talking to her about the subject prior she would cut me off by getting louder than me and not get a word in edge ways always leaving me feeling frustrated yet I would back down because I’d rather not have an argument . So I had to get my say across !!! I pinned her to the wall I told her exactly how she was making me feel that I was feeling worthless and that I wasent happy she then managed to turn it around saying it was me I’m not there for her and I’m useless at being a partner then started saying I was going crazy and I need anger management wich I agreed as I was very aggressive in that one argument ! But I got help. yet nothing on her part changed still making me feel bad on a daily basis treating me like a mug asking me to do this do that get her this pass her that take dog for a walk and so on while she does nothing if I try talking and creating a convo it usual ends up in an argument wich she always starts and wins she refuses to admit were she goes wrong always kicks me out for stupid little reasons but I’m stupid enough to go back because I love her and iv nowhere else to go ! She’s started to make me feel like I’m going crazy like It really is me she doesn’t let me play my guitar at all says it’s annoying and I care more about it than her she I spend all my money on her and when I’m broke and have no money she makes me feel bad and says she gets nothing off me so why should she help me out ! I take daily abuse off her not so much in the form off insults but more in the form off guilt I’m actually beleaving I’m useless and iv done wrong by not being there for her but I love this girl so much when she’s being nasty I look at her and I’m secretly hating her but that all goes away when she says some thing nice or justs treats me reasonable for a few hours but it’s not too long and she’s just horrible again ! I can’t leave because I literally have nowhere to go I depend on her so much but I do love her sooo much too but it’s been getting worse I take so much crap day in day out I exploded and I again pinned her up but this time by the throat she wouldn’t stop screaming and shouting and for the first time in my life I had been violent to a women ! I just couldn’t take it resulting in me retaliating and becoming just as bad as her but I can only take so much crap for so long but she just won’t stop and I explode like a slow pressure cooker ! Now I’m loosing sight is it me who is the abuser or abused??? I admit were I have gone wrong and violence is not acceptable in any shape or form I am in the process of getting help but yet she still won’t admit she has done wrong to or has any issues her self she is so indenial !! In her eyes it’s just me to blame and it’s all me I’m useless violent selfish and I have issues??? I do have anger problems! I must do ! But I’m not going crazy like she’s trying to make me beleave! She has always been the alpha in the relationship what she says goes I agree for an easy life and back down but our arguments are getting worse resulting in me getting arrested ! We argue she screems and shouts so loud the naibours hear and call the police but it’s only her shouting and me trying to talk but yet police have arrested me becouse she’s in tears and crying and I’m male so it must be me who’s the aggressor ? Really what do I do ??? I need to know what any body thinks please ?

    • ErinO1115

      You have to really, really examine your own behavior to see if there is, in fact, credit to her claims. Also how have your other relationships ended? If there is a lot of mysteriously being dumped, or women acting similarly to her, then the problem is, in fact with you (if you are a narcissist, then you won’t be able to see that the fault is with you – that’s a big problem). However if all your other relationships were pretty normal, and after deep thought you conclude you haven’t done enough wrong to merit her behavior, then it’s probably with her. Try to be as objective as possible. And consider ending the relationship, it sounds toxic regardless of who is to blame.

      • Excalibur

        Erin, you are so full of crap it is unbelievable. This poor guy has been mentally abused by his gf and you try to put the blame on him and imply he may be a narcissist. Go hang your head in shame.

      • Bedlama

        It’s very toxic they need to go separate ways.

      • Sarah Flood

        Nice gaslighting.

        • Curt

          Sarah, you nailed that one, lol!

        • Snake Justus


      • Micha_Elyi

        “There’s no excuse for abuse.” Feminists used to say that. Now that we know the #1 physical and emotional abuser in relationships is the female, feminists have gone strangely silent.

      • jlord37

        That’s right. Blame the man. He wasn’t “strong enough”

    • Nathan confused.

      Iv been in long term relationships befor and they was fine and I actually ended them due to normal reasons I wanted to get out and spread my wings the uther was becouse off working long distance it wasent working I’m very honest to my self I admit I snapped but this is due to not being able to take no more off her greif she’s made it so I physically depend on her after pushing all my freinds away including family she has a history off abusive relatoinShip and u was warned away from her wen we first met ! But you can’t help who you fall for I’m constantly spending my wages on her yet she claims it to be the uther way round she demands things from me rather than asks she’s constantly got my trying to earn her love and respect and whenever we seem to be getting on she has to kick me down a level so she’s on top never complimenting me or nothing I came on here for advice and your doing the same as anyone does forget the fact iv asked for help and turn it around to her that’s the victim like she manages to make out all the time so what a waste off time this was

      • Bedlama

        Leave her. Don’t ruminate overif it’s her or you just leave. Trust me, when you leave you’ll be able to think more clearly. Right now she’s messing with your head.

      • Hiphopsince79

        This is only the beginning my friend. She’s grooming you for more elaborate and severe abuse in the near future.
        Get out of this toxic relationship and resume the life you had prior to meeting her ( friends, family, hobbies, etc…). Get some therapy to work out your own issues so you never experience place yourself in this toxic situation again. Go “no contact” if at all possible but put yourself first.

    • Bedlama

      Leave don’t analyze anything just go! That’s what I had to do!

    • Susan Gallagher

      Get rid – leave. That’s not love!

      • Susan Gallagher

        And take the dog with you!

    • Hiphopsince79

      Get the f**k out asap. Love ain’t support to hurt my friend and it damn sure doesn’t come with a jail sentence.
      Get away as fast as you can. Do not let her know you’re leaving or risk retaliation. Do everything you can to protect your money, your identity, and your credit and leave when she’s not home. Go live with friends, or family even your car if you have to cause this situation will continue to worsen. Eliminate all contact with her because she will attempt to “Hoover” once your gone. Make a list of all of the abuse you’ve endured as a reminder of why you left in the first place and get some therapy. This relationship dynamic will repeat itself if you don’t figure out why you would allow someone to treat you so poorly yet still crave their approval. Good luck my friend.

    • Comment Monster

      Go research borderline personality disorder.

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  • olivia

    i might not realize this problem for certain amount of time, i was blaming my boyfriend for neglecting me or sidelining me when having gathering with friends. sometimes, he blurted out that he was afraid of me being edgy or randomly losing control of myself. Maybe sometime, i overreacted a bit and bring him a lot of mental pressure without noticing.

    however, it would not be so serious as being constantly on edge, walking on eggshells, and waiting for the other shoe to drop. such traumatic response are impossible for my boyfriend. but it’s important to care about their feeling and don’t take anything for granted, respect each other’s need.

  • Micha_Elyi

    tolerate and excuse away as normal

    This is what typically happens with female misbehavior. Bad things men do are criminalized. Bad things females do are understood.

    Feminists call that ‘equality’.

    • Rick

      Feminist ruined the world

    • Robinanna neibauer

      Don’t blame us. I condemn Female Abuse too. The 50’s was the era for abusing females. Now it’s the abuse of males. When will we get to the era of abusing NOBODY?!

  • Joe Blogs

    I have too been in very mentally abusive relationship, I’m trying to get over the effects and resonate with everything from this article and more so, keep your head up and DON’T feel like it’s your fault or take the stiff upper lip approach, you’re a good person, just some people are toxic…

    she was rather twisted, what’s worse is she is a psychologist and have since found out that I’m not the first one this has happened to… We don’t have the role in England, she is an American PA in Psychology, we met travelling and she was 10 years older not that you’d of known. I just kept making excuses for her abuse ways and thought I deserved it, for nearly 3 years, my family and friends have been so worried about me as I’ve not been able to see it…. I compromised myself and became lost in abuse and love. It was utterly horrendous, so twisted, what she’d get me to try and believe & do, completely ostracise me, words can’t articulate how torturous it all was. I don’t understand how I could stay and now I’ve paid the price and has had a serious effect on my physical/mental health… I’ve been so close to taking my life, It has compromised who I am, someone with some much passion and love for life, she couldn’t take my kind generous nature from me…

    I would recommend talking to someone, anyone, it’s hard, it’s been 6months to the day since I managed to part from this sick twisted person and have started to talk to someone professionally, so I can move on, process and deal with this to get over the anxiety and sick things. I think it’s crazy just because she is a women, she gets away with it… She started to get a bit physically abusive towards the end, got a nice little scar for my troubles. I’m just glad I got out before she trapped me any further.

    It is very unfair and worrying that she gets to continue on like nothings happened and repeat the cycle with someone else… I always thought I should report her to the board after the kind of things that she done to me and said about patients in her care, but why would they believe me I’m just the “crazy-ex” right… funny I have every single text message from the first to the last, including abusive recordings saved just in case she tries something.

    It’s a weird feeling wanting yourself back… building yourself back up from ground zero is so dam hard. One of the hardest things I’ve had to do and trust me, I’ve been and seen things way more than my years, so I’ve always had an older head on my shoulders. Time is a strange thing, and I can only hope the future is still bright, but I don’t want to waste it. I’ve avoided anything to do with her social media, friends the whole shebang. Surround yourself around good people, try to do new things, things that make you happy, travel you name it.

  • Micha_Elyi

    When I see an emotionally abusive female striking out at her man either verbally or physically, I speak up and call her on it. “That’s emotional abuse” or “That’s relationship abuse” is all I have to say. Usually the female tries to laugh it off and the man is embarrassed. I say no more unless one of the pair tries to engage me in conversation.* Just one little sentence is all it takes to put female abuse of men out there where it is seen for what it is, at least for a moment. Better embarrassed now than in the morgue later.

    * Then I usually say little more than “Training someone bigger and stronger than yourself that hitting is ‘love’ is probably going to turn out bad someday” The female is almost always the one to try to make excuses, saying something like, “I love him and he’s so big I can’t hurt him anyway.” Other times I might say no more than, “Uh oh, there’s no excuse for abuse.”

    • disqus_6WhLujF8lu

      I love this! I hope no matter the person’s gender, this is spoken accordingly to the partner who behaves abusively and the survivor (with whatever necessary edits in regards to size).

  • The_Smashmaster

    Take the red pill.

    • AEW

      MGTOW all the way 🙂

  • STFUdonny

    When did men become such docile wimps? Got a woman constantly belittling you? Tell her off. If she keeps it up, get rid of her. Men used to be problem solvers, now they’re y running (apparently) to the nearest female psychologist to learn how to “cope”. Ridiculous

    • Drw1965


      It’s not about being a docile wimps, it’s about knowing , the moment you really deside to shut her up. And we are not talking about a knock out of even a slap. Just a strong Man move. that the police will come and you will be arrested, 3 days in the can, 1 year of DV courses at 50 dollars per week, 1000.00 in fines, a blurp in your record, a restraining order where she can stalk you but you can not go near her, all of which prevent you from getting better jobs. etc…..

      No, the guy who bides his time until he can cleanly escape is anything but a docile wimp. He is a POW survivor.

      You are assuming that this person is a normal person and they just plain are not.

    • Rick

      Females became pigs themselves and like pigs(a guy like yourself the way you sound) Smdh Females like animals not real men. They stupidly think “real men” are pigs.

    • Claire Muir

      I think this comment is particularly unhelpful. If people are reading this article – many will be looking for strength to escape or overcome a partner like this. Comments like yours make the person feel more ashamed. What if the person you loved started manipulating you slowly and blackmailing you? If you don’t know about these things or have no experience of it yourself just don’t weigh in.

    • patriarchal landmine

      tradcucks and feminazis, gender traitors all.

      here, without a doubt, is the most perfect and pristine example of the traitorous tradcuck white knight, blaming men for women’s mistakes and faults.

      they were never on the side of men.

    • starchy

      Men can’t do anything about it. The laws protect women and unfairly prosecute men.

  • Gonad McWomble

    It’s not just husbands or boyfriends; it’s in the workplace too. I have a member of staff like this, who until recently has gotten away with it because of a pre-existing friendship with my boss. I had to take it to HR in the end, and now she’s pretending that *she’s* the wronged party, despite many witnesses to her bad behaviour!

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  • William Maza

    I’m in a emotional abusive relationship right now….. I’m almost positive she’s borderline too.

    • Anders

      Women abusing men tend to act in self-defense. Think about what it is you are doing that threatens her so. Your privilege may blind you.

      • mark1377

        dont do that. thats called victim blaming. were not talking about normal women. this is about abusive women.

      • Comment Monster

        That’s idiotic. Most abusive women are borderline. They can’t be fixed.

        • Anders

          Then what about abusive men? Men who reject cultural and biological programming to not hit women have certainly taken leave not only of empathy, but of their desire to belong to society in any true sense. That is exactly why, even if misogynist research pointing to 70% female perpetration is true, I STILL consider domestic violence against women to be the bigger problem. Just look at the murder rates: across the world, spousal homicide against men is between 20% and 30% of the total.

          And yes, that figure INCLUDES women who killed their husbands in self defense or with battered wife syndrome.

          • Mike

            Their is no way to clearly positively respond to abuse this article is stating that separation from abuse is necessary. Abuse is abuse and yes women abuse too in numbers that society has yet to take into consideration.

        • Aaron Green

          I’m not blame it on a mental illness. I was abused too. We just need to leave abusers. They call pedophiles mentally ill and we do not choose to keep them around. Why do it with anyone who acts abusive to you? Tell her she’s an abuser and do it public and be proud to walk away and never return.

      • Robinanna neibauer

        You better be sarcastic. I believe in privilege too, but that happens to be part of female privilege.

        • Anders

          I get why men would disagree. It is hard to give up privilege and accept women as humans. But for a woman to exhibit such callousness to women defending themselves from life-threatening violence in a world run by men, for men, and protecting male abusers, is downright callous. While I condemn the use of “misogyny” where it is not warranted, this is truly approach the original sense of the word.

          Even I, as a gay man who has never used violence, am privileged by the system. If I ever get into a fight with a woman, I know I can beat her up all I want and that the system will be on my side. And even if I she bumped into me, and I beat her to a bloody pulp, if I answer honestly to the surveys that purport huge levels of female-perpetrated violence, my case will be recorded as female-initiated reciprocal violence. MRAs will actually feel oppressed because of incidents that put women in hospitals. I am sad, because many of them are good reasonable people: they are only blinded by an overwhelming sense of entitlement – and the women that they control, of inferiority.

          • Robinanna neibauer

            Fine, that case is a part of male privilege. But what about a case where a woman beats a man up, and the man fights back?! Some cases are cases where the man is in the wrong and it’s a MRA’s whining. Abuse is abuse. I’m glad to met a fellow feminist. Maybe I need to learn a thing or two to figure out the truth.

          • Anders

            1% of the population is psychopathic. Mostly men, but also in the US alone around a million women. They would probably feel little compunction about beating up or even murdering men. And with gender roles and popular culture sending the message that slapping men is fine, of course women will do it. In fact, underlying the denial of female violence is exactly the kind of idealisation of women that devalues them in the work place. You don’t trust a billion dollar company to someone you perceive as a weak, pure victim. Neither women nor men.

            But I do not think the issue is neither systemic nor a major threat. A man who slaps a woman instills much more fear than the other way around. And our justice system is skewed to favour men anyway, so male victims are much more likely both to get justice if they are victims, and to escape it if they are perpetrators. Brock Turner got out after six months after raping an UNCONSCIOUS woman. Just imagine if the genders had been reversed? MRAs would have called for the death penalty!!!

            In fact, if the overwhelming majority of opinions in these comments would not be so one-sided and at times misogynist (a term I prefer to use sparingly), I would have shed some light on this sight of the problem. But nowadays, all we hear is about what a terrible deal men get. No need to add to that.

          • dan3333333333

            You don’t know what you’re talking about!

          • Anders

            dan with all the 3’s: You certainly gave it to me good with that argument. I rest my case.

          • Rowina Chiltonsmith

            Misogyny is never warranted. It by definition implies that men are of greater value than women. That would be horsesh#t. We are all in this together as humankind. We all have our part to play and those parts are of equal value.

          • Anders

            Hmmm it is either a definition OR an implication, right…? But English is not my native language.

            I do not think that misogyny is about how we value women. We consider it misogynist that women were not able to, say, practice medicine (I made that up, but it has to have been the case somewhere). But that is about thinking women are less competent, or about wanting to protect women for anything that could be dangerous. In fact, much of misogyny stems from considering women TOO valuable, which justifies treating them like children: we love and cherish them, but we do not let them drive.

            A tribe that did not consider women intrinsically more valuable than men would never survive: for most of humanity, we lived for less than 30 years, saw up to half of our children die, found ourselves in perpetual warfare with other tribes, and knew nothing about disease. If we had not organised society around giving women the protection they need to bear the average of 4-5 children per women needed for the tribe to survive at all, we would all be dead by now. Of course, for a few generations now, we live in a society where we can be who we want to be to extents previously unimaginable, but we are of course held back by the cultural and biological programming that enabled our survival for 99.9% of the history of our species.

            I am an amateur in this. But to me, this is a basic and straightforward insight that we are amazingly good at ignoring. Perhaps that, too, is the protective instinct at work: if we admit that we as a society has to prioritise women, we are inviting the question of what that means for gender equality. Cue the misogynists of the day, the men’s rights activists. We all hate them, and I think that is fundamentally because they are threatening the very basis of our civilisation.

            We call all of this misogyny. And sure, somewhere out there, there are definitely people who deeply hate women, something enough to resort to violence. But that has little to do with the structural problems holding women – and non-conforming men – back.

      • Vagabond

        You are a homosexual male, so you haven’t ever seen this up close. Trust me, a woman might not be able to overwhelm you physically, but she can cut you apart in about a million ways mentally, emotionally, and spiritually. Further, she can use objects against you, and even if you try to defend yourself, the police will be all on her side.

    • Hiphopsince79

      I’ve done so much research on Npd and Bpd, in an efffort to fix my relationship, that I should have an honorary degree. It sounds like you have been doing some research as well so you know that your relationship will not improve.
      I speak from experience when I say you will lose yourself in her drama if you refuse to take the research you’ve done and her behavior at face value. Hopefully, you don’t have any kids with her and aren’t married because that complicates matters. Regardless the solution is still the same.
      Get out while the abuse is still uncomfortable to you.
      Attitudes like the reply posted by “Ander’s” is what keeps good guys in bad relationships even after recognizing something is chronically wrong. I would bet money that Ander’s perspective would be the opposite if the gender roles were reversed.
      Get out and save yourself my friend. The deeper you entrench yourself into this toxic relationship, with this personality disordered women, the worse the damage you will incur. You deserve to be happy and have a good life. Once you’re gone get back to being the old you, work on improving yourself, and get some counseling to deal with the abuse and trauma.

    • Aaron Green

      William, do not blame it on a mental illness. You just need to leave. They call pedophiles mentally ill and we do not choose to keep them around. Why do it with anyone who acts abusive to you? Tell her she’s an abuser and do it public and be proud and walk away and never return. Keep you head. up. I hope you read this.

  • Hiphopsince79

    Your wife being upset about attractive women on tv is so far removed from being a logical argument that it’s ridiculous. If your past infidelity is the main issue then you were definitely wrong and if you love her it MUST never happen again. That aside, what does she expect you to do, live an apology for the rest of your life? Listen to a YouTube vid of Patrice O’Neal and Marc Maron speak about this very subject. I hope it offers some clarity.

  • Zero Tolerance

    I just got out of one. The first few times she said things, I let them go. Then I finally said enough is enough with the put downs.

    She was more of a man than me
    Ask to fix something, I would start, then it would be you dont know what you’re doing. Stop. It;s all wrong.
    Chastise me for ironing my clothes before going out
    Constantly laugh at me for fixing my hair. Telling me I was worse than a woman
    Belittle me for eating food. Its no good for you. You need to eat like a vegan
    My opinion on any topic was wrong.
    She would say something, then say “did I hurt your feelings” while laughing
    I wasn’t supposed to have any feelings on anything
    If I mentioned a story about something going on at work, it was always my fault.
    She would finish my sentences and when I would tell her to let me finish, she would say that what she said was what I was going to say
    Her feelings for me were based on my income. Because my retirement account was not high enough for her, she could only ‘like’ me
    I wasnt allowed to leave her side when going to her friends house to talk with the man of the house and other guys
    She would ask for pictures of my ex wife to she if she was as pretty as her
    When she needed to talk about her life, I was there 24/7. When I needed to talk about things, she would tell me “you will figure it out”
    She made so much fun about the car that I drove, that I gave it away and bought another one.
    She said that I was there for her entertainment. That I had to keep her amused at all times
    One of the things that really ate at me was the fact that she would shame overweight people and other womens bodies and their clothes
    The final straw for her was when I didnt text her good morning because I was really busy at work. She ended it the next day with a text that said I was toxic
    She would laugh and tell her friends that I treated her so good and she didnt deserve it

    It hurts so bad as I fell in love with her. I did treat her great because that was how I felt about her and wanted to let her know that.

    I’ve lost a ton of weight because of the break up (over a month ago). I’ve broken down and cried, even at work. Going through things she said and done, I am so mad and angry because I left myself in that position.

    At the end, I even apologized for failing her as a man. I thought it was my fault. After going through things in my mind, I didnt do a damn thing wrong and my anger is staggering over it. I have isolated myself from everyone and sit in the house after work in the dark.

    • AEW

      Thank you for sharing your story. I am sorry too that you have experienced this in your relationship. I am glad you have shared your story though for others to read as it may help them identify emotionally abusive relationships they may also be in and not realise.
      My wife too was similar to your story…..probably even worse. Its hard as you try and try again to make the relationship work as you love this person……but that blinds you to the abuse. I always wondered how women who were beaten by their partners would go back. I think now I have some better understanding.
      I feel from reading the way you wrote your story you are probably a good man. I have come to the realisation since seperating that I don’t need anyone else to feel whole or complete, nor do I need their validation. I hope you realise that too and enjoy your life.
      Good luck to you.

    • dzhugashvili

      Dude, I hope she could suck the chrome off a bumper, made Kate Upton look dumpy, tasted like honey, was as tight as a 16 year old virgin, and wanted you in all three holes twice a day. That would be in addition to contributing a large amount of money to the operation of the relationship. Anything less, and the big, overwhelming question immediately becomes: are you INSANE? I mean, I can take abuse with the best of them, but quid pro quo, man. Like I said above, I would take the abuse in exchange for ALL of the above. Anything less and any straight guy with reasonable looks and ok income would be gone faster than spit on a griddle. Like they say plenty o fish!

      • Rowina Chiltonsmith

        You are wrong. Many perfectly manly men are in this situation and not with “perfect” partners (other than being abusive). That is the whole point; men can be just as vulnerable to a narcissist or abuser as a woman. To suggest that a man should be able to overcome this kind of situation “faster than spit on a griddle” is to suggest that a “normal” man would be stronger and not get caught in an abusive relationship. This is a backhanded way of suggesting that those who do are weak, and that is not the case.

        • dzhugashvili

          Weak is defined by abuse without quid pro quo. It’s what slaves get: abuse without wages. The slave might love the massa, but they’s still a slave! So, if a woman wants to treat a strong man like crap and he stays, it’s got to involve some Ferrari and Jemma Jamison level compensation. We will save the prostitution discussion for later.

          • Rowina Chiltonsmith

            dz, I’m not sure your understanding of human behavior is very comprehensive or maybe you just like to throw out those Jemma Jamison references for your own masturbatory purposes, but in matters of love and relationships things are just not this simple. Strong men (and women) are NOT weak in the sense you are implying. Men need the same emotional and physical connection to another person as women, but can be just as vulnerable to the charms of an abuser as anybody else. Strong men remain entangled with abusers for lots of reasons, whether trying to preserve a relationship because of children or real love for their abusive partner or fear of repercussions of some other kind. This is simply not weakness.

          • dzhugashvili

            You don’t need to feel guilty or blame yourself for staying in that abusive relationship. Hopefully you’ve already walked. BTW, strong people don’t stay in abusive relationships. Loving someone who, for spite, is cruel to you is a psych disorder called masochism.
            It’s ok. Just leave. You’ll be a better person and happier too!

        • Aaron Green

          Rowina I agree with you. I’m a survivor of abuse. What I have learned is I need to find out what I need to identify in a woman to know she is an abuser ahead of time. Some of us men have no idea what we are getting into till its too late.

          • Rowina Chiltonsmith

            Aaron, I know this to be true; I have seen it in more than one male friend but particularly in a friend who is still married to his abuser. They have been estranged for most of their 25 year marriage, but he swears she changed dramatically within the first few years of their marriage and his description is of a classic narcissist. He is berated constantly; blamed for every problem they have; subjected to insane jealousy (can’t even talk to female co-workers at work); she withholds affection of all kinds; accuses him of being gay even when he talks with his men friends; and tries to keep him from his daughter and siblings…..and then threatens suicide or to destroy their property if he leaves her. It is the suicide threat that keeps him in this insane situation…that along with his own history of childhood abuse and abandonment. This man joined the Marines at 17 yrs; served in Iraq; is still a Blackhawk pilot; and is valued in his job. He is NOT WEAK; but rather a strong survivor who walks on eggshells and tries to please a woman with a personality disorder and who cannot be satisfied. As far as identifying these things ahead of time, I’m no judge of that, but I would say that an abuse survivor should work with a counselor to identify their own vulnerabilities to particular people. Narcissists are supposedly very charming and ensnare their “victims” before they show their true nature. My friend tells the story of his wife throwing a raging fit when she found out he consulted his sister to pick out her engagement ring. She said he should have done that by himself, knowing what she liked. I told him that was probably a clue that she was not an appropriate match for him, but of course hind sight is 20/20. I would again suggest counseling to improve future outcomes. And I am sorry you had to be subjected to this; no one should have to give up their dignity or identity for love.

          • DalCass

            I truly wish I had someone like you as a friend. The hardest part of this is being alone, terrified of losing my children, my home, everything I have worked so hard to create. Those you are your friends are lucky people indeed.

    • disqus_6WhLujF8lu

      I’m so sorry that she treated you in those ways. You deserve a healthy relationship where you are never torn down and there is always respect even in the midst of conflict. There are providers who serve all survivors of domestic violence no matter their gender, and a couple national resources that may be useful to connecting you to them are loveisrespect & NDVH. Please, take care. Praying for you.

    • Bob Hope

      when you love someone you want to see the best in them

      • curtis bell

        so true / emotions/ why humans feel they have to have a companion

  • Mark Hopson

    OMG! Thank you Mark Judge! I have always thought that I was the only one….

  • Adm Tech

    A home should be a sanctuary – not a war zone. Feminism has ruined any chances for a harmonious domestic life in the first world, this is by design.There’s also a 70%+ chance she will initiate the divorce. Then she can accuse you of the most horrendous acts with impunity as the legal system will fall over itself to grant her alimony, custody, child support, your future earnings and your pension. It’s not going to get any better in the near future so don’t get married (or co-habitate) in the first place.

    • Bob Hope

      bang on

    • curtis bell

      So much of what you are saying is true.But treating males and females with respect is the moral and ethical thing to do. Our answer which personal i wish i could do is standing up for our individual freedoms.

    • Aaron Green

      I agree. It is a different type of Feminism that causes the harm though. A real feminist stands for equal rights and does not hate on men.

    • Abooma Lacani

      Your exactly right about this. It’s a sad state of affairs.

  • Jenni Lee

    Well no, I wouldn’t just go ask around. There’s a lot of abusers who play victim the moment the victim fights back. It’s better to learn wtf abuse is and learn to identify it for what it is. From Websters dictionary to thick amounts of googles information, you’ll get a wealth of stories and symptoms, but not too much information about the deeper rooted issues of entitlement and control.

    If you were to ignore all the signs… it boils down to simple control and power over the victim. The devaluing process weakens the victims spirit making them not only easy to control, but also maluable to take on all responsibility to the problems in the relationship (when its really not the victims problem).

    But there’s one thing I really want to bring focus to; it’s not easy to control high self value, and it’s not easy to control someone when you don’t have advantages to coerce another. Be it physical advantage (when you see physical abuse/domestic violence), ecomonic advantage (when you see isolation and threats of homelessness), emotional advantage (when you see a lack of remorse/empathy, devaluing/name calling, and more), or any advantage one can use to blackmail/coerce/control.

    Side note: I suggest anyone reading this to look up “covert abuse”. The manipulation within abuse can run deep. There’s so much I could share with you all, but I simply don’t have the time.

    Always remember, self value and independence is your strongest weapon against abuse! And equality is the only way to end abuse. Treat your partner as if their feelings, thoughts, and needs are equal to your own and let go of rigid gender expectations.


  • WesDallas

    Stay single my friend.

  • Kris Baldwin

    I know a guy in this kind of situation. It bothers me because there is nothing I can do. HOW can I get him to realize it and get help? It’s complicated because they are married and have a kid.

    • Aaron Green

      When men do it to women it can be reported and investigated occasionally. Hotline and see what happens.

  • Anne

    Those of you who have been in abusive relationships did you go back ever to try and make it work? Did you have to cut yourself off from family and friends to make her happy? If an old friend/ex-lover reached out to ask you if you were okay, what would you have done? Would you have been rude, mean, dismissive?

    • Peter Ledwith

      Don’t go back

    • Aaron Green

      Don’t go back. Ever.

  • Jenisa Waight

    Dear Mark,
    Thank you so much for this article!! I can
    only hope my Ex reads this and sees what he is into. And gets out.
    My ex-boyfriend, the father of my daughter is
    in an abusive relationship just like you described. My daughter and I flew to
    Hawaii 2 weeks ago, for him to meet my daughter (2.5years old) for the VERY
    first time.
    He and I, had no drama. His girlfriend kept texting, calling, during
    the first 2 hours. He had to leave and go pick-up his gf and take her to dinner
    where she got drunk and accused him of cheating on her with me and screamed at
    him. It just went downhill from there. He and his GF were on the same island as
    us for 56 hours, and he only saw his daughter for 8 hours total.
    He sent me this email apologizing for
    everything that it was all his fault, because he broke his GF’s heart by not
    including her. But he was with her the entire time. We were the ones left
    bewildered and heartbroken. I flew 2000 miles for my daughter and her father to
    meet. Not to have to deal with the whims of an emotionally abusive She-it.

    I am sending him this article, but I doubt it
    will work. She has her claws into him good. He has her painted as the victim
    instead of his daughter

  • Soxtory

    I really don’t know why people get married anymore. The downside risk is so much more than the upside.

  • Shana Lynn

    News flash: people of all genders and races posess the capacity for horrible behavior. Putting a gender label on the behavior isn’t helping. Imagine if this entire article was just intended to educate potential victims of any gender. Otherwise, it’s just fuel on a fire.