To: GOOP Staff
From: GOOP Management
Subject: New Approaches to Making Gwyneth Appear Not So Dangerous
Okay, staff. We need a new, fresh approach. Recent market research and internal consumer polling has shown that GOOP and Gwyneth have both become something of a worldwide joke and the subject of a ton of ridicule from the medical and scientific communities.
This has us all a little concerned. Especially Gwyneth, who just last night ate an entire slice of processed white bread. She’s consoling herself with carbs. It’s that serious.
It all started last month when news broke that GOOP won the Rusty Razor Award (similar to the Razzie Awards, but instead of recognizing bad acting, it’s given to those who peddle so-called “dangerous pseudoscience”). After that, GOOP began to see a shift in its consumer base—from people looking for quality gifts and high-end personal items to people looking for epic gag gifts and presents for people they hate and wish to harm.
While there’s certainly money to be made in the gag gift/harm your mother-in-law/PTA president/spin or CrossFit instructor market, Gwynnie is pretty upset that she’s lost her more refined consumer base and wants to regain her reputation as a respected gift master/lifestyle guru.
To do this, GOOP senior management, along with Gwynnie’s tribal dance instructor and her carbohydrate sobriety coach, have been working on a plan to reverse this unfortunate trend and launch a corporate image makeover.
First, in an effort to distract from the recent negative media stories that (wrongly) suggest GOOP is giving out questionable medical advice, Gwynnie has created the perfect diversion: She’s getting married to some D-list Hollywood producer guy. She’s also agreed to temporarily put her privacy on hold to post an Instagram shot of her new fiancé and her former husband together at brunch with the very fresh and totally original hashtag (that she thought of all by herself): #modernfamily. Because that’s Gwynnie—totally modern with a strong belief in maintaining super awkward and strained togetherness.
Next, we’ve decided that GOOP needs to embrace the current and hopefully short-lived trend of relying on science and evidence-based information on health and nutrition. While we’re all quite baffled by the public’s sudden interest in and reliance on medicine that actually works and the public’s even more bizarre desire to listen to qualified and highly trained medical professionals, Goop management has decided to at least acknowledge that the company’s advice might not exactly be science-based or even really very safe.
As such, we’ll be unveiling this year’s GOOP Christmas Buying Guide with this provocative line:
THE Ridiculous, But Awesome Gift Guide
We’ll see your portable yurt and raise you a personal yellow submarine
So, to break down what we’ve done here:
- We’ve capitalized the first “the” because it is THE gift guide. None others compare because no one else has Gwynnie who is THE arbiter of good taste. In fact, we soon expect to hear from Prince Harry’s fiancé Meghan Markel who will no doubt ask Gwynnie to design the bridesmaid gifts (hint: jade vaginal eggs are very popular with royalty and z-list cable series regulars).
- We’ve also acknowledged the ridiculousness of our gift guide by actually putting the word “ridiculous” in the title because we want people to know that we know it’s all a little ridiculous (frankly, we prefer the word “silly”) and that we’re embracing it. By accepting and even celebrating the fact that we’re being ridiculed and have become the subject of so many jokes, we own it and in owning it, we’re taking back our power. And that’s what Gwynnie is—powerful.
- We also added the words “but awesome” after the word “ridiculous” because we want to signal that yes, we get it—we’re ridiculous but who cares when it’s awesome. I mean, sure we tell women who have been the victims of sexual abuse that crystals can help with the trauma and pain, which of course is a lie and immoral, but just imagine how awesome these sad women will look surrounded by crystals. See? Our advice is ridiculous but you look awesome following it. Get it?
- Underneath the title, we’ve added a little challenge to our critics. We want them to know that their criticism isn’t going to change us. Nope. In fact, we’re doubling down on ridiculous with a $40,000 set of speakers, a $16,500 at-home float tank, a personal yellow submarine, and if you’re looking for that budget item: an $8,000 antique, hand-carved canoe.
Look team, we need to ride out this bizarre interest in science and legitimate health advice and this rash of criticism from un-fabulous people who have science-y degrees in medicine and biology and pharmacology and chemistry and just pray that the world returns to its normal mode of believing the crazy things celebrities say. Until then, keep drinking the organic, agave-sweetened, non-GMO, humanely processed Kool-Aid.
(A note for the literal-minded: This is a parody)