Ladies, You Need to Stop Husband-Shaming

Over the years, in posts on Facebook groups for mothers, I’ve seen my share of women talking smack about their husbands. Writing to hundreds (sometimes thousands) of other women, many of whom they don’t know, wives will unburden themselves about the latest insensitive things their husbands have done. The complaints run the gamut from real marital issues to the usual household frustrations every wife deals with daily.

The basis of every complaint is basically this: Why doesn’t my husband respect me enough? And yet, the wives have taken the opportunity to voice this discontent by posting about their husbands online, where strangers, acquaintances, and even family members and friends are invited to judge the husbands’ behavior. Nothing says mutual respect quite like public humiliation, am I right?

A new trend online has taken this phenomenon to an entirely different level. Most regular users of the Internet are familiar with dog shaming. Dog owners post photos of their innocent-looking dogs next to signs describing their misdeeds. Friends have posted about how their dogs ripped up the couch, destroyed baby clothes, and ate food meant for a family celebration off of the countertop. Fans of this trend have decided to adopt the same tactic with their husbands. Not only are husbands being publicly humiliated by association, but disgruntled wives are actually posting pictures of their husbands’ misdeeds online as well.

A click-bait site, Answers.com, has a list of the top 15 “funniest” husband shaming posts. The piece is trending on their lifestyle site; my click is likely one of hundreds of thousands. Every post involves a husband who deserves the doghouse, and is a window into a fight in another family’s home, but from only one person’s perspective—the wronged wife. Little in the way of context appears: Was the husband who is about to embark on a business trip, leaving a very-pregnant wife at home, in fact nervous about losing his job right before he’s about to take on the responsibilities of parenthood? What gross things do the wives of the husbands who were shamed for picking their nose or peeing with the seat down do when they are in private?

These sorts of memes should make us feel deeply uncomfortable as a society. Imagine if you saw a couple fighting loudly in public about leaving the toilet seat up; it’s likely you would back away slowly. Why is it, then, that when we see the same thing on our computer screens, we can’t resist watching the drama unfold? In many ways technology has bettered humanity, but in this, it’s turned us into voyeurs obsessed with the misery of others.

A favorite expression of my husband’s when we discuss other couples is this: “You never know what’s going on behind closed doors.” For as much as I hear my friends’ problems, and they hear mine, no one truly knows the state of a marriage except the people in it.

Husband shaming seeks to undo that. Women bring in an outside party, or several hundred thousand online strangers, to tip the scales of petty household arguments in their favor.

These sorts of posts might feel like a victory of sort to feminists. Women, refusing to back down, are demanding appropriate treatment and behavior from their spouses. For most of human history women have been subservient in marriages (and in every other role), but not today!

Except that’s not actually feminism. Feminism seeks equality between the sexes (in this case, the spouses). Imagine, for a moment, what equality would look like in this circumstance. If husbands posted pictures of their wives holding signs their husbands wrote with their offenses: “Even though we just paid off our credit cards, I just had to buy a new dress for my friend’s wedding.” “I watch nothing but horrible reality TV but claim I’m doing book club reading when my friends ask.”

We’re thankfully in an era where such behavior would be called out for what it is: misogyny. So too should we call “husband shaming” for what it is: man-hating. It takes many things to build a successful marriage, but one of the most basic is mutual respect. Women who shame their husbands in this manner, and others who encourage that behavior by sharing these posts, are detonating marriages for the sake of a laugh and a click.

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101 responses to “Ladies, You Need to Stop Husband-Shaming

  1. Anyone who airs the dirty laundry in public is escalating the conflict beyond the boundaries of what is acceptable. Maybe a three strikes and you’re out approach would make the shamers act more responsibly. To paraphrase Robert Frost: Good fences make good spouses.

  2. It’s all about the so-called ‘war on men’ which should really be called the ‘war on beta men’. Let me explain, women are hardwired to lust after alpha men just like men are hardwired to lust after hot, young women. Now the likelihood of your average women getting an alpha all to herself is…. remote (alphas have all sorts of demands for their ‘services’).

    Historically, most women would have to settle for an beta to help raise her children or end up in a harem. As the west moves more and more to a nanny state, women can get pregnant by some alluring alpha and rely on the state to help raise their children. They now can freely express their true feelings about icky beta men.

    This explains why so many men in western societies are dropping out of the whole relationship/marriage game. Betas can now get their jollies from porn and hang out with their buddies without some women nagging them otherwise. Lol, just wait until they come up with realistic, attractive sexbots. Feminists are already railing against sexbots because…. well anything that men want, especially beta men, has to be wrong right?

    Anyone want to make any predictions on how this will all play out?

    1. Um, all the liberated women currently bitching about “no decent men out there” will be eaten by their starving cats post mortem?

    2. Anyone that uses dominance theory with humans is an idiot, and their opinion need not be taken seriously.

      1. Heh. Yeah. Because dominance by some humans over others is completely atypical in human history.

        Millennial Alert!

      1. Actually it started in the later part of the 20th century with the enshrinement of the welfare state. As western society became more and more comfortable with single motherhood the ‘shaming’ of single mothers died out and nowadays has morphed into ‘why bother getting married?’.

        There are several issues with this trend. One, nanny states are hideously expensive and eventually they will run out of money and collapse. And what happens when all those social services single mothers rely on disappear? All of a sudden those scorned betas are going to look real attractive. The question is, will those betas be all that interested to pick up the slack and raise another man’s child after a lifetime of denigration?

        Two, then there are the barbarians who don’t subscribe to western sensibilities and view western countries as depraved, weak and ripe for conquest. And when that comes to pass who is going to fight them? Disaffected betas who don’t have much to fight for? Girrrl power? Yeah…. when that happens, a lot of western women are going to find out what a real ‘rape culture’ is.

        And third there is the biggest problem of all…. the children of single mothers. It’s well documented that children of single mothers are less likely to come out as well rounded, functional adults. Even if none of the above disasters happen, eventually we’ll end up with a society of whom the majority will be dysfunctional adults. I’m sure that’ll end well.

        1. Ever read George Gilder’s “Men and Marriage” he relates your points to the breakdown of the African American family in the US with the subsequent rise in violence, abuse etc. He did so based on their (at the time 30%) out of wedlock birthrate. Which I think the society in general is approaching.

          1. Did George Glider bother to touch on the cause of the high poverty rate of intact African American families in the US before the “state” stepped in?

        2. We already live in a society of dysfunctional adults. I’m assuming you are an adult. One problem with your rant is that you seem ignorant of the fact most single mothers work. Yes, many American women are educated and actually have jobs and don’t need the “state” to support their children.

    3. It won’t work out. Men ultimately seek sexual validation, not sexual pleasure. That’s why most men have little to no interest in prostitutes (because prostitutes don’t truly want them), but will jump through insane hoops for “real sex.”

      Men don’t speak out about their issues because they lose “real man” points, which decreases their sex appeal.

      1. The fact that prostitution is one of the world’s oldest professions contradicts your point that “…most men have little to no interest in prostitutes.”

        1. Because anyone can qualify for the job. But if most men had an interest in prostitutes, where all the people immigrating to Las Vegas and New Zealand?

  3. You see, when a woman publicly humiliates her husband/boyfriend, the guy is supposed to just “man up” and take it, but at the same time, he is supposed to be sensitive to his wife’s/girlfriend’s every mood and know exactly what she needs at that moment. Do women understand the dichotomy they are creating? How can anyone be insensitive to or hide his/her own feelings and yet be sensitive to and understand the feelings of other people?

    1. There are so many dichotomies that women create with their significant others.

      They want complete and total fidelity (can’t look at other women, no porn, no cheating) yet will say yes to sex only when they feel like it.

      They would be aghast if their significant other talked about their sex life in details with their male friends but I can guarantee you they have talked about their “men” with their girlfriends in more detail guys would ever dream of talking about.

      They want guys to act more like their girl (or gay) friends but wouldn’t think of acting more like a guy themselves. This is mainly with respect to “listening” or “talking”.

      They want more communication but really don’t as they often aren’t asking for the truth but rather for reassurance (does this dress make my butt look big).

      They want a manly man but are surprised when they act like one.

    1. Just one. But I kept the house, have full custody of the kids and all my income – just giving up a portion of my pension. Sad thing is, she’s the one who wanted the divorce. She’s been through about 5 guys since then, but I apparently was the problem.

      No hurry to take the financial risks of marriage a second time. I did well, but I followed Sun Tzu’s sage advice:

      “If you know the enemy and know yourself, you need not fear the result of a hundred battles. If you know yourself but not the enemy, for every victory gained you will also suffer a defeat. If you know neither the enemy nor yourself, you will succumb in every battle.”

  4. We should start a new term. If it’s called misogyny when a man does it should misterogyny when a woman does it.

  5. Glad to see this pushback against a horrible trend.

    Women will do this sort of thing in real life, too. “I have two children — well, three if you count my husband!” Yeah, har, har. Obviously the reverse is unthinkable. Man in the breakroom at work, yukking it up with coworkers, says, ‘I have two kids — well, three, if you count my wife!” exactly never.

  6. If a husband were to do the same thing to his wife, it’d be called emotional abuse and grounds for divorce.

      1. Doesn’t mean “fault” doesn’t come into play, especially when it comes time to determine child custody and division of assets.

  7. “Feminism seeks equality between the sexes…” Um, no. It has never been about that, propaganda to the contrary. Feminism has always been about misandry, and building up women at the expense of men.

      1. Yes they will. Better early than late. They will lose all of that later anyway. But they might get some sympathetic looks now versus when everything is made up by the wife.

        1. Yes there is. Cause even when a court case is re-opened for new changes, the original filer is still considered the plaintiff, and you the “respondent” when you file years later. Either way, the outcomes typically tend to stay the same. Women wins most everything, dad gets kicked to the curb and walking ATM status, with sprinkling of Disneyland Dad friendship status on kid’s facebook profile.

  8. Women hate men and only use them for things they want – money, babies, houses, etc.

    1. Eh, the opposite of that would also have to be true then, that men only want women for sex, and arm candy. I think most reasonable human beings want a companion in life for less superficial reasons. At this point in my marriage, I can’t view myself being buried along side a stranger. Unless my wife nukes the hell outta our marriage. Being from an arranged marriage country, and having been too stubborn to leave me upon several “embarrassing episodes” I don’t really see it now that we are approaching the end of middle age.

      1. Eh, the opposite of that would also have to be true then…
        Jesse James

        False. There’s no reason the converse would have to be true. Also, what you described wasn’t the converse but an attempted sex-role reversal, a type of counterpart statement.

        (I’m waiting for a Talking Barbie who says “Logic class is tough.” I expect I will wait a long time. Badfeels for feminists, you understand.)

        Try again.

  9. It would also be welcome for advertisers move away from the dumb, clumsy, inarticulate, unable husband portrayals on television too.

    1. Advertisers will ditch the dumb man/fabulously smart female trope as soon as men take back their wallets. Females control the purchase of 85% of consumer goods, from luxuries to household necessities.

      Oh and toss out the TV too, gents. Females are by far the #1 watchers of TV in all time slots, including Super Bowl Sunday. So advertisers pander to this obese audience, telling them they’re wonderful, intelligent, deserve better blah blah blah.

  10. From my perspective, Muslim men are never publicly shamed by their wives. And we never hear American feminists denounce whatever daily savagery against women we see in the Islamic world. Not one editorial can be found from an American feminist about real abuse of women.

    Perhaps, then, we have before us the real way to a woman’s heart and mind.

      1. Yeah, sure they are, like why can’t they buy expensive furniture with benefits and child support. Mommy happy watching soap operas on a nice lounging chair with live in boyfriend, guarantees less beatings for five minutes while kid stays amused with last year’s I-pad.

  11. It’s tempting to think the husband-shamers are the exception and maybe even a front for a clickbait business. But for example I was going through Heathrow and a few women who WORK there were standing behind the counter just randomly hating on men with each other, just trashing all men. Loudly. My husband was standing right there. Obviously it’s so totally acceptable that they weren’t worried about a negative reaction, or losing their jobs, or any kind of blowback at all.

  12. Men are completely in control to stop this. Women are, unless men voluntarily give up all their power, easily cowed.

  13. Rules
    1. Any show that depicts men as stupid is not watched (except Tim Allen who is too funny)
    2. Any product that depicts men as stupid or weak is not purchased.
    3. Any woman who bad mouths a man gets publicly slammed. what comes around goes around.
    4. Any woman that puts me down gets left behind (two wives learned that the hard way – current wife is the greatest….)
    5. I put the seat down cause I cant stand to look into the depths of the soul of the porcelain throne.

    1. Any woman who bad mouths a man gets publicly slammed.

      Body slammed?!?!?!

      Tell you 1 thing fersure – us Huskies don’t take this $h!t from b!tchez

    2. Say goodbye to all of human civilization then.

      Better solution: we need to start slut-shaming men. Every single men’s rights issue comes down to men not being will to speak up because they’ll lose sex appeal. If we reverse the sexual dynamics of society, we reverse misandry’s entire power base.

    3. I beg to differ. Tim Allen is insufficiently funny.

      Otherwise, you’ve got good rules to live by.

  14. And people wonder why young men have poor opinions of women.
    Folks want to blame video games, magazines, porn and just about anything but the cause.
    Young men form their opinions based on the women around them. The women they encounter in the real world- the rabid feminists, their mothers who treat their husbands like bank accounts/whipping boys, women who trash the men in their lives. That’s where young men’s opinion actually comes from. I think many go to video games seeing women portrayed in a positive light as the fantasy they wish were real.
    If marriage is in decline, can you really blame young men seeing this kind of stuff? What sane person would sign up for this kind of [email protected]?

  15. “Feminism seeks equality between the sexes” – perhaps Ms. Mandel’s version does, but I’m not sure she’s in the majority anymore. For many of us, feminism’s goal appears to now be advantaging women in every circumstance. Equality is not a component of the equation.

    1. Just take a look at what the prospect of being required to register for the SSS is doing to them!

    2. Equity feminists were never a majority. Even in the 1800s feminists were fighting to give women full financial power over their own earnings…while still holding their husbands 100% responsible for their debts, taxes, children, and upkeep. Look up Mark Wilkes, the man who was thrown in jail for not paying his feminist wife’s income tax. Feminists have always defined “autonomy” as “full rights with no responsibilities.” First it was “financial autonomy”, now its “bodily autonomy.”

      1. “Equity feminists” since to be any sort of feminist you must believe in patriarchy (the self organised group of ALL men to oppress all women; men can only just about organise themselves for sports events,. but that is somehow believe-able to them..). I’m of the opinion that the word equity in equity feminism is great spin and hilarious how many people they have hoodwinked into thinking it’s meaningful, often including themselves.

    3. They think that they can continual create material where the sole intention is to mislead and demonise men whilst ignoring or actively hiding womens faults, but while dictionary entries read things like that so do their actions actually equal that/can still be called equal – despite the vast gulf in difference against reality.

    4. I keep hearing about how feminism is about equality.

      Then I hear that women need special parking places, and train carriages. They need business programs and welfare.

      That’s not equality…that’s inequality

    5. FEminists have used the ‘no true Scotsman’ fallacy to the point we as well call it ‘the no true Feminist’ fallacy.

      At the end of the day, feminists cannot disown other people who call themselves feminists, as they are so desperately trying to do.
      When a woman comes out with misandristic crap, if she calls herself a feminist, other feminists need to oppose her, or their movement is de facto endorsing her.

  16. Ladies, keep driving your husbands away with constant grousing and complaining.

    If that’s something you’re willing to do anyhow, do it more, make it faster.
    You’re better off alone forever; and your husband is better off with someone who will actually respect him.

    Win-win.

    1. Not really, because as soon as you part ways, the family courts with gut him like a fish.

  17. Publicly shaming a man is emasculation. And a man in his right mind needs to address the problem. Here is what I learned: It’s from the bible but hang with me because it makes sense.
    Eph 5:25 Husbands love your wives at Christ loved the Church. The Greek word love in the verse is better understood as love and continually love her. Women have a daily need to be told or demonstrated that they are loved. Men don’t need to have that expressed daily like women do.
    Eph 5:33 . . . and the wife must respect her husband. Same kind of thing here. The word respect means continually or daily demonstrate that she respects him. Men can take on great pressure at work if they daily get built up with respect from their wives.

    When the husband stops this continual, daily demonstration of love, then the wife stops her continual daily demonstration of respect. It is not something that they think about, it just happens. And it works the other way too. All it takes is for one to stop and then the other one does. And sometimes neither knows how to stop the downward spiral. The way to reverse it is to daily pick it up. In time, the other will naturally come around.
    Office affairs happen when a man not receiving respect at home meets up with a woman who is not getting a daily reminder of love at home. They are drawn to each other and they give each other those things.

    1. When the husband stops this continual, daily demonstration of love, then the wife stops her continual daily demonstration of respect.
      –Cosmo

      Shorter Cosmo: when female misbehaves, is man’s fault.

      1. Hahaha! Well, no . . . When Cosmo and Mrs. Cosmo taught this principle to couples, we emphasized that neither could escape the responsibility of this happening and that pointing the blame finger is counterproductive to getting back to the right relationship. Of course the problem is always getting each party to self-correct. Who goes first? There is where I tell the man that it falls on him regardless of who misbehaved first.

        1. So where he wasn’t self correcting enough, it justifies her not doing so. Nice class you have there.

          1. So how is your marriage? No one gets a free pass. There are ways to bring a woman to the point where she doesn’t husband shame and there are ways not to. The idea is to end the trend, not to advance it to the next level.

          2. So why are you doing just that? Reinforcing the idea that men are the default at fault is just that.

          3. Marriage is not something that psychologists or attorneys made up. It is actually a Judeo Christian custom. Virtually every other culture has it as you are apparently wanting – men as chief and women as chattel.
            Now the Judeo Christian role of the husband is definitely that of the head of the household. So what does that mean? It means he is the first to make peace. He is the leader in reconciliation. He is the one to lead his family in forgiveness. Do you think that is weakness? It is not. It is the strong position.
            I’m concerned that you are looking at marriage as two people in a combative relationship – each needing to protect their own soul from each other. That is why I asked you how yous is doing. It doesn’t have to be that way.

          4. Right so because I don’t think men should be default to blame I want women to be chattel? Projection, unfounded accusation, fallacious reasoning. Pick any one of them, they all fit your claim.

            If one begins a combative position having the non-aggressor take the sole blame fixes nothing except to worsen a cycle of, at the very minimum, psychological abuse.

            I haven’t answered “how is my marriage” because anything personal to me isn’t relative to this little debate.

            That said, you have yet to answer ” No one gets a free pass.” relative to “So why are you doing just that? Reinforcing the idea that men are the default at fault is just that.”. You are, and are still arguing for that.

            I unilaterally do not tolerate bullying, abusive behaviour. I consider there is no excuse for it. Yours is one of supporting it, whilst claiming it makes peace – it does not. Too many examples have shown me consistently it does not.

            So, once again, why do you specifically give women a free pass?
            You are happy to have men held to account for what they are innocent of as well, why is that reasonable?What reconciliation really comes from lying? Is it about reconciliation or submission of the man to the woman? Is that why you hold one to completely unreasonable position of accountability?

  18. The only reason many women are able to get away with this shit is because they can always have “one foot out the door” in case things go wrong and they know the welfare state will pick up the bill (whether via direct subsidies or divorce courts). When it all collapses (because math), you’ll see women become a lot nicer. Granted, they’ll pretend this feminist lunacy never happened and will take absolutely no responsibility.

  19. “Feminism seeks equality between the sexes”. Um, no. Give them the facts, and receive these nonsense answers:

    – Women are 2/3 of some college populations. Is this not equal for men?
    – It’s not enough; they must be in Science, Technology, Engineering, Math in equal or greater numbers! Band together sisters against the choices made by our fellow women! Because patriarchy.

    – Women earn the same as men, if you factor in experience/time in workforce, etc.
    – Wage gap!

    – Women aren’t CEOs because they most have lower aggression and comfort with conflict (testosterone), have different life goals (i.e., kids), and generally work fewer hours than men.
    – Misogynist!

    – Men and women are physiologically different beyond just their sex organs.
    – Sexist!

    – Women want to be in the military but need to have substantially lower physical standards to pass.
    – Gender is a social construct!

    – 70% of divorces are initiated by women, after no-fault divorce was instituted.
    – Because most men are pigs!

    – Based on DOJ stats, women are less likely to be raped on campus than even in the general population, and the numbers are nowhere near the ones cited by Social Justice Warriors.
    – Stop mansplaining to me! Rape culture!

    So sick of it. Feminists can fuck off. Why do you think the men in Sweden and Northern Europe are not defending their women against the Muslim onslaught?
    1) A gynocentric society has chopped their balls off.
    2) Most women don’t treat men that nicely and the men don’t see a compelling reason to save them.

    1. 1. Men in Sweden etc are not defending their women partly also because the feminist lobbies literally and explicitly told them to piss off.

      2. This is a little off topic…

    2. Feminists claim that women are 51-52% of the population and so they should have about 50% representation.
      Then they claim they are an oppressed minority.

      How the heck does that work?

  20. “I watch nothing but horrible reality TV but claim I’m doing book club reading when my friends ask.”
    Why aren’t you in the kitchen, making him a sammich?

  21. Young men saw how their mother treated their fathers (and the familly court)… Unlikely they ever marry…

  22. “Feminism seeks equality between the sexes ” Actually feminism seeks husband shamming. Feminists view husbands as property of the wife thus husband shaming is entirely acceptable and desired to them.

  23. “So too should we call “husband shaming” for what it is: man-hating.”

    The word is misandry and it’s a real word and a “thing.” Please use the word.
    However, nicely done on the calling out of bad behavior.

  24. I have nooooo problem about my girlfriends complaining and bad mouthing about me. They know full well they can’t do it to me or around me. Let them vent their ingrained need to nag somewerhe else.

  25. Thank you for writing this.
    I don’t consider myself a feminist because all too often things like husband shaming ARE treated as victories over men, because all too often feminists treat any criticism of any woman as misogyny, and because all too often feminists won’t acknowledge that attributing bad characteristics to masculinity or generalizing them to all men is as much misandry as doing the reverse would be misogyny… and because all too often, when an article is published by a feminist who acknowledges misandry exists, it’s full of attempts at justifying it as an attitude women are entitled to have and men deserve to face.

    It’s refreshing to see at least one feminist doing the opposite… even if you didn’t go so far as to use the word misandry.

    1. Misogyny is the hatred of women. For no other reason than they are women.
      True Misogyny is very rare, because most things labelled ‘misogynist’ are actually directed at a specific woman, for a reason.
      It’s not a hatred of the whole gender.

      However, many things that feminist claim are promoting a hatred of all men, and thus it IS misandry.

    1. Yep. Basically; “If you don’t act like my obedient little slave, I will humiliate you in front of everyone you know”.

    2. Society’s acceptance of it is man-hating.

      Or rather, male disposability. To hate someone you have to actually give a shit about them.

  26. “Except that’s not actually feminism. Feminism seeks equality between the sexes.”
    Only feminists believe that crap.

    All the same, thank you for calling this out.

  27. Life according to feminism:

    There are two sides to every story. Her side and the misogynistic abusive rapist man’s lies.

    1. Two sides to every statistic…the truth ( that is being hidden from the public)…and the fabricated statistic, the one that rakes in the extra federal pork bloating dollars.

  28. The simple phrase “wife should sleep in the doghouse” would make people’s heads explode.

  29. The answer is don’t get married. Not even cohabitation. Not worth it at all. Men live your lives for your self, and enjoy it because it’s the only one you get. If she can’t accept you for who you are then she’s not worth a minute of your time.

    1. I believe that with all these new federal pork bloating triangles and Alliances that have poisoned state law enforcement’s across the country…guys are going to have no choice bu to go MGTOW…just to keep their basic due process rights.

  30. Taking a problem to the internet is basically seeking support.

    And if you are seeking the support of a faceless mass to win an argument with your spouse, your relationship has serious problems.

    Most relationship problems I see posted online boil down to ‘they won’t do what I want’

  31. Don’t accept this behavior from women. Today, that probably means “don’t get married”. If you are married and try to demand reasonable treatment, you might simply have everything taken away from you.

  32. I guess at this point I don’t really understand what gender equity really is or means. If it means equal pay or equal work, fine, as far as it goes. If if means being able to sit on an all-male panel, fine, make it so. If it means fighting in combat units, uh…ok, I guess. But if it means screaming full blast at men because of a inadvertent mistake deemed to be sexist, or taking various legal actions to create a forced march to some sort of imagined institutional or social equity, no, I don’t support the constant, loud and ugly, drumbeat of rhetorical foaming at the mouth. I’m older so I don’t have any concerns about finding a ‘mate’ but I have suggested strongly to my son that he carefully consider the choice of an American woman.

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