My three kids returned home this week each with a list of the names of their classmates and firm instructions from their teachers that, if they chose to participate in the festivities, they must write Valentine’s Day cards to every single kid in the class. Nothing like a little forced goodwill and fake friendships to remind kids what Valentine’s Day is all about.
I actually enjoyed this tradition when my kids were in preschool—a more innocent time when my children loved each and every one of their classmates. But now that my kids are older, the practice seems odd and forced and not at all about love.
In fact, I’m beginning to feel like my children are attending school in Potemkin’s Valentine Village where everyone acts like they love each other for the show of it. In reality, at third grade and beyond, kids begin to act more like adults. They have opinions, definite likes and dislikes, and personalities that may or may not jibe with the others in the class.
And that’s okay!
In fact, it’s good. It’s healthy. It’s the way humans develop. Shouldn’t we be celebrating and nurturing this change in our kids? Shouldn’t we view this as a natural evolution; an awakening within them—the moment they realize that they are individuals with thoughts and beliefs, interests and standards and, hopefully, an understanding and acceptance that not everyone shares the same worldview they do? We can still teach them to treat each other with respect without having to force them to pretend that they have no favorites. Just as importantly, it’s an opportunity to teach kids about overcoming rejection. If my kid’s feelings are hurt that someone didn’t give him a valentine, better to have that conversation about putting such slights in perspective now than when they become far more cutting years down the road.
Despite this, each year, I instruct my children to deny those natural feelings and normal behaviors so that they can label every kid in their classroom as a friend deserving of a love note. I comply by dutifully, and without much complaint, heading down to the local card shop to buy several packages of gaudy and expensive Valentine’s Day cards and then scream at my kids to “SAY I LOVE YOU!” to their classmates, on which they have varied opinions.
And to top it all off, my kids aren’t even allowed to give away even the smallest piece of candy because at some point their school adopted a “NO FUN EVER!” rule outlawing any sort of food giveaways. I have no idea when this rule was adopted but I’m sure it has something to do with America’s bizarre fixation on sugar and the childhood obesity “epidemic.” Perhaps it happened when the First Lady started ruining school food. Whatever the origin, the rule now exists and now all kids get for Valentine’s Day from their friends is a piece of paper with a meaningless missive.
It’s the candy ban that’s the real giveaway as to who this tradition really benefits: Not the kids, but the school administrators, the teachers, and the parents who want to sustain Potemkin’s beautiful yet hollow vision of school as a place where nothing bad ever happens.
But perhaps I shouldn’t complain. After all, this is as close to religious instruction my kids will ever get at their public school. That makes this the ultimate irony because Valentine’s Day has liturgical roots, originally marking the day Catholics celebrate Saint Valentine (The Catholic Church actually recognizes two St. Valentines, neither of which had anything to do with romance. The Valentine-love connection can be traced to Chaucer). I suppose I should be pleased; in today’s hyper secular public school environment, it’s pretty amazing this day and its love-one-another vibe is even countenanced. Of course, the day will be stripped of any hint of religious meaning and kids will simply be told to hand out their cards to their classmates.
So, will I make my kids participate in the class card swap this year? Of course I will. Because everyone’s happy on Valentine’s Day. Even if no one’s feeling much love.
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Did you ever consider that the compulsory valentines is a remanent practice from the days when schools had a Christian influence and children were taught to love their neighbor as themselves? That meant learning to have compassion to all, even the kid you didn’t like or the one not in your current clique. Just as St. Valentines did …even when in jail.
+1000/
Oh, I don’t know. As a skinny little kid, I liked getting a Valentine from the cutest girl in the class—and giving her one too. I knew that meant nothing…. but still.
Of course, my grade school years were in the kinder, gentler 1950s. Civility was engrained into our little minds. There was no need for the fake civility of modern school that you’re lamenting. Today does remind me a bit of that sign posted in a workplace, “The beatings will continue until the morale improves.” Beatings may be banned in schools, but coercing certain behaviors seems to be the norm.
In that golden era to be a child, there were no rules about who you gave Valentines. The teacher lined the bottom of the blackboard with paper sacks on which we each had put our names. Who we gave cards was up to us, but the packets of Valentines were more than enough for every girl in my class, so why short one? The only distinction was who got the few fancier cards. And the nicest one in the packet was always for the teacher.
And yes, boys gave cards to girls and girls to boys. I wonder if a mandated nastiness that doesn’t make that distinction is lurking in the shadows waiting to dictate about that too. Today’s schools seem dominated by people who, because they don’t get any respect outside school, try to bully and dominate little kids with their endless rules.
–Michael W. Perry, co-author of Lily’s Ride: Rescuing her Father from the Ku Klux Klan
Yeah as someone who way back in my day, was the class goat for one long hellish
year in elementary school, it was nice to get a card from everybody. Of course
some of the alpha males decided to give me female-oriented cards, as befitting
the class “fairy.” Funny we used that term, but no one really got what it meant.
I solidered on and eventually the alphas began to pick on someone else.
In kindergarten, I realized I had neglected to make a valentine card for one boy. I still feel bad about it.
If they could find me I’d still be getting valentines from the fat ugly girls but at least my ex stopped sending me those naked valentine’s day selfies, that’s something.
Even back in the early 70s my rather hippy-dippy Colorado public school did the “Valentines for everyone” thing. I regarded it as a huge chore, and took no joy in it. On the bright side, it got me an early start at hating pretty much all holiday celebrations. Especially the heavily commercialized ones.
I teach middle school. I am beginning to dislike public schools for many, many reasons. The beaurocracy is mind blowing. It is often stated that kids come first, but everyone knows that it is the school that comes first. All decisions must be in the schools best interest. I like my kids, even the ones that don’t behave and even they dislike the group think. But here’s a question. Kids at this age really do seem to think a lot a like starting way before middle school. Those two kids that your kid doesn’t like, no one else in class likes either. If the kids didn’t have to bring the valentines to everyone, most likely all the kids would have the exact same number of valentines except one or two or three kids in the class. They’d have zero. they would have dutifully brought one for each kid because they would love to have one of these classmates as a friend, but they would receive exactly none. I don’t know why this is. Some kids absolutely deserve to be shunned – their behavior warrants it, but most of the time it is some other little something that sets them apart, and when the kids notice, he is shunned by all. So, as a teacher, I get this. We can’t stand to see the kid’s heart broken, so we require all the students to bring a valentine for all the kids if they want to participate. They are already made out, and no one actually believes what is printed anyway. As far as the candy goes, that’s just one of the reasons that I dislike what is becoming of our schools.
Thankfully in our school they were allowed to give out candy to their classmates. However, none could be consumed in the school. They wanted the parent to decide if ok for the child to have. Imagine that – the parent got to make the decision! Public school no less.
This is an example of an event corrupted by some people.Valentine’s Day is for lovers and has absolutely nothing to do with children.