Wed. January 16
What Really Happens When Women Earn More
“Men Still Don’t Like It When Their Wives Out-Earn Them,” “When Women Dare to Out-Earn Men,” “Successful Wives Still Make Men Uncomfortable,” “Our Gender Roles Still Stuck in the 50s.”
These headlines, blaring from Slate, The Economist, The Huffington Post, and The Miami Herald, respectively, all refer to a recent study that analyzes marriage trends and women’s earnings. And true to the long-established media meme, they all suggest (or flat out state) that men bitterly resent successful women and are always on the lookout for ways to punish the ladies who’ve climbed past them on the career ladder.
Here are the study’s actual findings:
- Regions where women have higher earnings relative to men see lower marriage rates.
- Marriages in which the wife is the higher-earning spouse tend to be less happy and are 50 percent more likely to end in divorce.
- In a significant number of marriages where husbands are the primary breadwinners the wives would be the higher earning spouse if they were living up to their full income potential based on their education, field, and work history. Instead these women are underemployed or have left the workforce.
- Higher-earning wives spend more time doing house work than their lower-earning counterparts.
That’s it. At no point do the economists provide any evidence that male prejudice or chauvinism is the cause of any of it. They speculate that it could be the cause, but offer no factual support for the speculation. In fact they baldly state they made no attempt to discover whether its women or men who are unhappy with women earning more. And curiously, they don’t even acknowledge that women’s preferences could be the driving factor of their results.
Yet the angle of every major outlet to cover the study is that men are retrograde cavemen who must be to blame if their wives earn less than they do.
“In the absence of any male insecurities about their spouse’s pay, there should be about the same number of families in which the wife earns a little more than her husband as those in which she earns a little less,” writes Slate’s Ray Fismin.
Really? Male insecurities are the only plausible reason there aren’t an equal number of families where the wife earns more? Likewise, The Economist says the study shows that the “the wage of the husband” is an overlooked glass ceiling “constraining women’s careers.” And Forbes contributor Emily Jasper wonders whether her “dating pool might be significantly diminished,” because of men feeling threatened by her salary.
I would ask readers what personal experience tells them is more common—men who are unwilling to date women who earn a good living (women who are often attractive thanks to the gym memberships, pricey hairstyles, expensive makeup, and flattering clothes they can afford), or women who are averse to dating and/or marrying below their pay grade?
When he was still single and in residency, a cardiologist friend of mine was as likely to ask out the girl behind the McDonald’s counter as he was a fellow doctor. He wasn’t unusual in this. Yet while my highly successful women friends might admire the view of an attractive cashier, I’ve never known any of them to pursue a relationship with one. If the male office assistant isn’t asking out the female vice president, chances are it’s because he knows he’s likely to get shot down, not because he’s a sexist.
I’ll be blunt. Most women I know would still prefer to pair up with a man who is their professional and financial equal if not superior. And most would still choose to delay marriage in hopes of landing the illusive Mr. Big rather than settle for the cute (and increasingly common) slacker next door. Conversely, most single men I know couldn’t care less how much a woman makes provided she’s good-looking and fun to be around.
As for the housework thing, maybe (and it’s a big maybe), as the study’s authors suggest, breadwinning wives do more housework as a silent apology for defying gender norms. Or maybe they do more housework for the same reason they earn more—because they’re willing to put in longer hours if gets them better results.
But none of this begins to touch the most glaring gender reality the researchers and reporters ignore: Babies! Nowhere in the study or in any of the stories about it does anyone mention the immense power a child has to reorganize a woman’s priorities. Nowhere do they consider that new mothers might discover that they’re suddenly as ambitious to raise happy, healthy, successful children as they once were to be professionally successful themselves. As Barnard President Deborah Spar wrote last year, “having babies imposes consequences that cannot, and should not, be denied.”
Maybe these wives who cut back their working hours or step out of the workforce entirely aren’t bowing to the egos of their Neanderthal husbands, maybe their responding to some other, more all-consuming impulse.
Whatever career ambitions I had before my daughter was born faded immeasurably in the light of her drooling, burbling little face. They didn’t disappear, but they began to feel like something that could wait. And they are. I am now one of those women who isn’t living up to her full income potential, who works in the nooks and crannies of life at home with kids. In the meantime, the gap between husband’s income and mine continues to grow as he strives to pick up the slack and provide financially for us. What a creep.
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“I would ask readers what personal experience tells them is more common—men who are unwilling to date women who earn a good living (women who are often attractive thanks to the gym memberships, pricey hairstyles, expensive makeup, and flattering clothes they can afford), or women who are averse to dating and/or marrying below their pay grade?”
Well, in my experience as a woman who earns a good living as a software engineer but has dated truck drivers, farm hands, retail clerks, and factory workers–all who have gone on to marry women with part time or pink collar jobs–men are willing to casually date women who earn a good living but unwilling to pursue a long-term commitment to one.
It’s nice that you like staying home with your babies, but your sneering at women who aren’t as fortunate was really unnecessary.
You know, if you made the font white, it wouldn’t be readable at all. I know that’s what you’re shooting for, so give it a try.
You’re preaching to the choir on this one for me. Me and my ex-wife were together for 8 years. When we were first together she was a medical claims adjuster for a chiropractor. I worked and racked up debt and did my best to pay the bills while she went to nursing school. You can’t really keep a paying job when you go through your clinical rotations. She graduated got a job making nearly twice what I earned and she starting becoming increasing frustrated with my “lack of ambition”. Even flat out saying that she wasn’t happy that she was earning more than I was and that she might as well go here own way since I was just dragging her down. What? She wasn’t dragging me down providing her food and shelter while she went through school? *shakes head* okay I better stop because I’m getting myself a little worked up again.
I think the fear of what you went through is why most men shy away from women who make money. The fear, in this day and age, that women who make more will become tyrants and lord their financial leverage over the relationship.
I’m an engineer. When I was rich and single (now, with family and poor; you know how it goes), I was in a ski club and dated a girl, broke up and later another member asked her out, handsome (compared to me) and a super guy, so I asked her why she rejected him and she said, “well he drives a truck.” Sure re-enforced my decision to breakup!
“Forbes contributor Emily Jasper wonders whether her “dating pool might be significantly diminished,” because of men feeling threatened by her salary.” Too bad she didn’t pause to consider that concentrating on how much her salary is compared to [most?] men’s might be making her an unpleasant person to be around.
My wife and I met when neither was making much and hadn’t any big prospects to speak of. A couple of degrees later and a couple of professional careers, and almost all years I made more than she did for one reason or another, but my track now pretty much locks me into relatively minor increases while hers still has a lot of room to grow. Over the next few years she’ll probably make substantially more than I will.
However, after 25 years she’s still the person I fell in love with. We have enough similarities and likes and dislikes to be comfortable with each other and enough differences to make it interesting and she’s got a great sense of humor and is fun just to be around and I still love coming home and knowing she’s either there or soon will be. Salary never really entered into it.
You realize this crap is Pablum right? This garbage is being pushed to the pampered princesses sitting home crying over their glass of wine on Friday night. Take a look at the ratio of singles in your area if it’s less than 1 to 1 the woman have a problem and they need to recognize they have a problem. Either they move to an area with a higher proportion males to females or they chose to be alone for the rest of their lives and make decisions accordingly. Oh and Meghan you could take a look at WAH (Work At Home) jobs, not all of them are scams and cons. If you want information drop me an email and I’ll send you some links.
Sorry my post is confusing. What she meant was “well, he drives a truck” for a living.
My first wife and I were fine for most of our marriage when I was earning more money than her. Later in our marriage, I had the stable corporate career which allowed her to work for start-ups and other high risk/high return companies. We always put our money into one account and paid all our expenses, including personal spending, from this account. Once she started earning more money than I did, her attitude changed. She started to accuse me of spending “her money” – something that I never thought of accusing her of when I was making more than her. Note that I was making just under six figures at the time. Not long after that she ran off with some high-powered business executive. I am firmly convinced that most women will not respect a man enough to have a long-lasting relationship with him if she out earns him. You always hear about women “marrying down” but hardly ever men. In fact, when a woman marries “up”, it’s a “you go girl” moment.
Another point – I have seen many brilliant, fast-track women drop out of the workforce when they have kids. For these reports on the study to ignore that fact proves their bias.
Honestly, I don’t care when my wife earns more than I do. Nor does she. As a retail manager, there have been several times when she earns more than I do (I’m a college prof, turned cabinetmaker/furnituremaker). Who cares. Everything we make goes into the same account…less our individual “allowances”. We discuss large purchases, and don’t sweat the small stuff.
In my experience, it’s high maintenance women who are concerned whether or not their man makes more than they do. Those who allow that to affect their behavior, really aren’t worth the trouble.
“And Forbes contributor Emily Jasper wonders whether her “dating pool might be significantly diminished,” because of men feeling threatened by her salary.”
Or just can’t stand being around her.
And most would still choose to delay marriage in hopes of landing the illusive Mr. Big …
Elusive, rather than illusive.
interesting
I think I agree with the writer’s perspective more than any of the commenters. I don’t think it bothered my ex-husband one bit that I outearned him 4:1; it bothered ME. And I don’t think I would ever be comfortable dating someone who earned substantially less than I did. I just have the old fashioned ideal to look up to and respect the guy I’m with.
So I guess I am the neanderthal.
Is it really that hard for people to see how women leaving the job market for ten or twenty years to have kids, and then getting back in the market, acts to bring their wages down? Does anyone–male or female, feminist or otherwise–resent their mother for taking care of them, and wish she had been home less and out in the marketplace more?? Sheesh!!